The Churning Wake

Chapter Eleven - Now

I cross my room and move aside the chair blocking my closet. From the shelf, I take a small hand-embellished wooden box. It has tiny hummingbirds carved into it, and the letter B on top, with curvy lines sprawling out around it. I trace the B with my fingers and smile. Lex bought me this box for my thirteenth birthday, because she said she was tired of my jewelry always being scattered around the house. Lex. I blink the tears from my eyes and swipe away the few that manage to fall out. I climb back onto my bed and slide open the box. I take out the paper inside and read it silently to myself.

Dear Brianna Bennett + Beatrice Thomas,

Hey, it's Leo. Beanie, I know you probably won't know me, but I am, no, I was, your dad's best friend. Bri, you asked me to write something about him, so I will. And yeah, Mama always tells me I have poor handwriting, so ignore that, please. Haha, okay, I'll get to the point now. I loved Cole, as so much more than a best friend; he was like a brother to me. He told me about Beanie before anybody else knew, not even Mrs. Thomas, and I remember Brianna wasn't so happy about that. That's how it was, though. If I knew something, he was gonna hear about it, and vice versa.

Cole was so much fun, he knew how to make everyone around him happy, even when he was struggling to be happy himself. One of his greatest regrets in life was not being able to keep Brianna; he hated that she kept slipping out of his hands, and he hated that he couldn't hold her tight enough.

One of his greatest accomplishments was Beanie. Right after she was born, I'd hear about everything: the first time he changed her diaper, her first smile, her sleeplessness. Before Beanie was born, he pulled all-nighters, but once she was born, she forced them on him. I'm grateful for this, because we spent so many hours in those last weeks on the phone while he tried to get Beanie to go back to sleep. I would hear her crying in the background and my heart would melt in my chest; she's so precious, Brianna. Anyway, Cole was a very loving person. He made sure everybody was alright and he was a great listener – you could vent to him for hours while he sat there, just nodding along.

When I was sitting in my Biology classroom with Mr. Ellison, something in my heart shifted and I was overwhelmed with sadness and panic for no obvious reason. Maybe that's why I dove toward the shooter so recklessly. Alaia had gone down, but she was still trying to get up, trying to ignore the gaping hole in the center of her chest. She smiled at me and in a heartbeat, I knew what had happened. Cole was gone, and this kid, someone we had considered a friend, had killed him. I wasn't thinking, I couldn't think, my mind blanked out everything except the instinct to tackle him, to get him down, to stop his disastrous rampage. It was a miracle I was able to, but it was a blessing. I'm so tired of hearing that I was a hero. I was not, and am not, a hero. I was a fool who charged into a situation too big for him and managed (somehow) to survive.

The hour following was one of the scariest in my life. Everyone ran, but no one helped me. Maybe they thought I was on my way to dying anyway; I thought that, too. I don't know why they left, but I remained. I ripped my shirt from my chest and tied tourniquets around my legs. I was surrounded by bodies, and I was entirely convinced I would soon be joining them. But the thought that crosse my mind over and over again was of Cole. I prayed so hard for his safety and survival, even though I knew in my heart that it was useless.

When the SWAT team cleared the area, and the paramedics arrived, they lifted me onto a stretcher and carried me out of my mind's Death Room. When we were out in the hallway, I saw you, Brianna. You never saw your face that day, and until now, I wasn't ever going to tell you about it. It was the most broken face I have ever seen. Tears ran from your red, puffy eyes; your makeup was a mess, running haphazardly across your face; and your mouth couldn't even lift into a smile. I had always known a smiling, happy Brianna Bennett until that moment. Blood was spattered across your outfit and your face, your arms and legs. You just stood there, blinking at me, and I wanted to help. I wanted to hug you so tightly, Bri. But I couldn't.

He meant so much to us, and I feel like the only way I can connect with him is through you and Beanie, but you don't let me. I feel like you've been pushing me away, Brianna, and I don't know why. Did I mess up? Did I do something wrong? I need to hold onto the pair of you to hold onto my childhood. My childhood absolutely revolved around Cole, and that Beatrice is a miniature him. Sorry, I know you know that, it's just tough for me. I'm sorry this happened to you, Beanie should've grown up with him, and you should've grown old together. Maybe had more Beanies, that would've been so cute. Cole would've absolutely loved that. With much love, Leo.

My fingers are shaking a little. I never was able to finish reading that letter, no matter how many times I tried. Tears from years ago stain the piece of paper, blurring some of the ink. I reach for my phone and text Leo.

Me: hey

A few minutes later, the dots appear and I know he's typing back.

Him: hey. What's up?

Me: I just finished reading your letter

Him: what letter?

Me: ...

Him: oh

Him: you never finished it before?

Me: I never could until today

Him: ok

Him: ive forgotten what it send by now (laughing emoji)

Him: how's princess beanie?

I scroll through my pictures and find a cute one I took last week of Beanie wearing a huge dark pink tutu and grinning, her hands on her poof of curly black hair. I hit send and add a smiley face.

Him: omg she's so big

Me: yea

Him: hey wanna hang sometime?

Me: yea, sure. Sounds fun

Him: when are you free?

Me: anytime, just lmk

Him: tn?

Me: yep

Him: time?

Me: anywhere after six, that way Beanie can sleep and my mom is home if she needs something

Him: awesome. Be by at six-thirty

Me: :)

I put the phone back and pick up the letter again. Maybe I should give it to Beanie when she's older. In the meantime, I put it back in Lex's box on my shelf. I close the closet and glance at the clock. 1:56. How is it almost two o'clock? I did almost nothing all day. Shit, my mom's gonna kill me. I slide off my bed and pick up the dirty laundry from the floor. I scoop it into a basket and carry it down to the washing machine. I dump everything in, and start it, then pull Beanie's coat from the shelf and hang it up in the shoe closet. I sweep the kitchen and put dinner in the oven. That's good enough, right?

I lie down on the couch, intending on taking a short rest, but I'm woken up by the sound of the front door banging open. "Brianna!" Mom calls up the stairs.

I sit up, blinking groggily, "Yeah?"

"Oh, you were sleeping." She looks relieved. "I called you, but that's fine, I guess."

"Sorry."

"No, it's fine."

Mom sets Beanie down and my daughter comes running toward me, "Mama! Mama!"

"Wassup, baby girl?" I grab her and hoist her onto my lap.

Mom smiles, "I'm gonna go grab a shower."

"Yeah, okay." She starts up the stairs, but I call after her, "Hey, Mom! I think I'm gonna go out with Leo tonight. Um, can you watch Beanie? She'll already be asleep."

Mom sighs, "That's fine. Any special reason?"

"No, we're just catching up."

"Mmm..."

"Mom! I swear it's nothing, I'm just... Yeah. I need to see him."

She nods, "I understand that I will never understand, and that that is okay."

"Thanks."