The Churning Wake

Chapter Twenty-Four - Now

The trees seem menacing. I know it's stupid, trees can't hold grudges, trees don't judge you, trees really don't feel anything, but still, I feel guilty. The trees knew before anyone else did.

I push aside a bit of foliage and I'm beside the pond. The log Kiley sat on is gone, but a fresh one has fallen nearby enough that I sit on it and stare into the pond the way she did the last time I ever saw her. I wonder what she knew of Jax and Joey that no one else did; they were very much a trio for a while, the way I had my quartet. It's so frustrating how one can never really see the whole picture, not ever, because you can never have all the information, all the data, all of everything.

Kiley was, from what I remember of her, pretty much just a dumb blonde, but she was beautiful, as was every girl that ever dangled on Jax's arm for any amount of time. He loved beautiful things, he loved powerful things, but if he couldn't have them, no one else could, either.

A squirrel climbs up beside me, and we sit like that for a while, watching the pond ripple as I skip pebbles across its shiny surface.

"Brianna?" The voice startles me, and I turn so fast, I twist a muscle in my neck.

I massage the sore spot as I turn my body toward the voice. The squirrel, who I decided is named Freddie Mars, scampers off, tail held high.

Iliana Lee stands behind me, her smooth skin glowing and her brown eyes staring at the ground.

"What are you doing here?" I grumble, turning back to the pond.

Iliana sighs, and I hear a thunk as her backpack hits the ground. "Look, Bri, I- I don't know you. I never really did, let's be honest. We kind of met after the climax of your relationship with Jax, and I could never find a reason to start a conversation, but I've wanted to talk to you for a while and I just..."

"Iliana?" I interrupt.

I hear her feet shift on the gravel path. "Yeah?"

"It doesn't matter anymore."

The girl stays completely silent. Nothing moves in our clearing, it's just us and the singing birds. "Nothing matters the way it used to."

Iliana sits down where the squirrel had been. She's wearing a long green dress, and it catches on a piece of bark. I reach over and free her, keeping my neck impossibly still.

She smiles, but it's tainted by the sadness at what she's just said. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"I'm surprised you don't think me a monster. Everyone else seems to, at least. But not you."

"Yes, well..."

"Did you know him?" Iliana asks, her eyes trained straight ahead, where the sun is poking between two trees. "Not of him, but personally."

I say nothing for a moment, debating whether or not to speak, and if I do speak, what to say. Finally, I whisper, "Yeah, I knew him."

"Oh," Iliana murmurs, "I'm sorry."

"That is not your responsibility to feel sorry for, Iliana."

"Yes, but sometimes I feel like it needs to be said, and Jax isn't ever going to say he's sorry."

"Why not?"

Iliana turns and looks at me, her red ringlets glowing in the sun. "Because he's not sorry, Bri. I don't think he ever will be. He's just... Stuck in his mindset. He's delusional, he had problems the entire time I knew him, but he's really good at hiding what he's thinking, and manipulating events to happen his way. So, no one noticed, least of all Dad and Amelia, though if they'd known, they'd probably have put him in some Christian counseling program, and that would've made it worse."

"Iliana?"

"Mm?"

"Do you think it's my fault?"

She's silent for a long time, or at least what feels like a long time, before she says firmly, "No, Bri, I don't think it was you."

"Are you sure? Because everyone seems confident enough in their belief that it was my fault, and Cole's, and everyone who did nothing. They tell me about it often enough."

Iliana nods her head slowly. "Believe me, they tell me about it, too. Like, what can I do about anything? He's in jail, and I'm not even directly related to him, I'm just his step-sister, you know? I only knew him like this, I've never known him in the way everyone in this town did, back before he was who he is now."

"I'm sorry about that," I tell her. "I wish you could've known him when we were younger. He was the best friend I had when I was little, so happy and smart, bold and kind. I used to be scared to ask for ice cream from the ice cream truck, because the guy in the window scared me, and he'd always order my favorite kind, no hesitation at all... He knew what it was and he just did it. Just to make me happy."

Iliana smiles. "He did little things like that, occasionally, few and far between, but just to make somebody else smile."

"Yes. That is the Jax I choose to remember, when my brain lets me choose."

Iliana nods, then glances down at her watch. "Shit, I've gotta go."

She turns and gets up from the log, takes a few steps, then turns again to face me. "Bri?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"You're-" I start, but she's already gone.