The Churning Wake

Chapter Fifteen - Then

The eve of Lex's funeral was a dark and stormy night. No, I'm not joking, I swear it was. Mom had gone shopping for something I could 'be presentable' in. That's her wording, not mine. Anyway, she had returned with a soft black long sleeve; high-waisted black jeans; and a knee-length black cardigan, which were all draped haphazardly over the back of my desk chair.

Beanie was fussing, so I picked her up and cradled her against my chest until she settled down. I was wearing one of Cole's shirts, a common thing, and I kept glancing over at my phone. Mom had given me her old phone and thrown my old one into the street, in an attempt to stop the onslaught of paparazzi blowing it up. Beanie sniffed and stirred, yawning in her sleep. My phone dinged again, and I picked it up.

Unknown Number: bitch, you should've died, too #freejax

Unknown Number: Brianna, are you ok? XX, Talia from A.P. American History

Unknown Number: heyyyyyy. hit me up cutie

Unknown Number: Bri, if there's anything you need, let me know. Hugs. #survivorstrong

I opened Twitter and my heart plummeted. Trending at #2 was my face, coupled with an article under big bold letters, #survivorstrong. But right beneath it? Trending at #4 was that first hashtag, #freejax. What kind of people were these? To make a trending topic trying to free a boy who had killed so many people mercilessly?

"They weren't there!" I screamed at my wall. "They don't know! Fuck them! Fuuuuck them! Ahhhhh!" I screamed louder, until the sound tore in my throat and my word choked to a halt.

Mom burst in, "Bri! Are you okay?" I didn't respond, and her eyes took the whole scene in: me sitting on my bed; hair frazzled; wearing Cole's clothes; Beanie on the bed beside me; my phone in my hand; and the tears pouring down my cheeks. "Oh..."

"Go away!" I tried to shout at her, but it came out a hoarse whisper.

She walked slowly over and sat down beside me, the bed creaking as her weight deposited onto it. Mom rubbed my back with her palm, the way she had done when I was a child and used to run to her bed, trying to hide from the monsters that plagued my nightmares. She didn't speak for a while, and neither did I, we just sat. I cried and she cried because I was crying, and all the while Beanie slept right through it.

Mom commented on it, "She's still sleeping."

"Yeah," I said, sniffling to slow the tears. "She gets it from her dad."

"Bri? If you ever need to just talk to someone, please let me know. It doesn't have to be me, I just..." She trailed off, unsure of what to say or how to say it, probably.

I looked over at her, "I'm okay, Mom."

"You sure?" I nodded. "Okay, but it's a standing offer, Brianna."

"I don't need it."

Mom cleared her throat, then said in a gentle but firm voice, "A standing offer."

"Okay," I said, rolling my eyes.

She rubbed my hair slowly, "Go to sleep, girl. Big day tomorrow."

"I don't want to go, Mom," I whispered. "It makes it too... real."

"Brianna. You cannot hide in your barely lit room with a baby for the rest of your life... I try to make it a point to let you be independent, but sometimes I think maybe you're not ready for that." She sighed. "Your utter fragility is a very heavy and present thought on my mind right now, baby. You need to know that I love you, but you can't just... die. I mean," Her voice hitched, and she started crying. "I can't even imagine what Jen is going through right now. It's— You don't think about it until you do, and then it's blaring right in front of your face and... I can't lose you."