The Churning Wake

Chapter Twenty-Six - Now

I'm mildly disappointed when I get home and see nothing's changed. 

In her car seat, Beanie is singing a song about firemen, and I can't tell if she's made it up or if it's a real song. Suddenly, she stops and gasps. "Mama! I wanna be a fireman!"

"Go for it, Beanie," I say, resting my head on the steering wheel. "Be whatever you want to be."

"What about you?" Beanie asks, her voice small.

I sigh. "Beanie, sometimes things happen in life that you just can't overcome, and sometimes those things change what was supposed to happen."

"Then you just keep trying," Beanie replies sagely. "That's what my teacher tells me."

"Well, what if you're out of options?"

Beanie's silent for a moment, thinking about it. "I guess you have to go back to the start again."

"Oh," I whisper. I lift my head and turn to look at my little girl, who has lifted her toy truck in the air and is flying it around.

She notices me watching her and tilts her head, just like Cole used to. "Mama, are you okay?"

She peers out at me from behind his eyes, his nose scrunching up, and his dimples showing as she smiles at me. Tears spring to my eyes, I can't help it, it just happens. "Beanie, I love you. A lot. A lot lot."

"I love you, too, Mama," Beanie says softly as she resumes her fireman song.

She looks so much like him, yet some days I can only see myself reflecting back. Now, as so often recently, I find myself wishing I had Cole here to see this beautiful thing that belongs to us alone. 

"I love you, Beanie," I whisper, quietly so she doesn't hear me.

I wipe my eyes free of tears and open my door. I let her out of her seat and she takes off runnning inside.