Such An Actress [h.s]

sixth

I wake up and realize I'm not in my bed.

I look around and see the familiar guest room Harry has that I always sleep in. I remember him picking me up from the couch but that's about it. I did have the strangest dream though.

I couldn't remember it but I know it was weird.

I looked over at my phone on the bedside table and saw that it was seven in the morning. I got out of bed and still in my jeans from yesterday and felt rubbish so I went to take a shower.

After sleeping here so many times I just left basic toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, toothbrush and toothpaste so I didn't have to have morning breath until I got home.

I take out my phone and start playing music because I can't go through a shower without. I step in and lightly hum to whatever tune is playing. The shower is the only place I sing because no one else is around and no one can hear me.

Gimme Shelter by the Rolling Stones plays next and I start to sing to the melody as I wash my hair. This song is probably the one of the only songs I'll sing confidently on. The one song I wished I sang for my audition, maybe I would have made it if I sang it.

Once I'm done I get out and wrap myself in a towel. I grab my clothes and put them back on and make my way back in the room from the on suite and I see clothes on the bed.

Some sweats are neatly folded on the bed and there's a post-it sitting on top that reads:

Thought you'd want these. - H

I slip on the sweats and remember all the times when we were younger and I'd steal Harry's t-shirts and sweaters. I remember I stole a sweater of his right before he left for X-Factor and I would wear it when I missed him because it smelled like him.

As time went by that sweater lost his scent. I still have it and will sometimes wear it, only not around Harry because he is still looking for it and doesn't know I have it.

With my sweats on I make my way down his stairs, holding my clothes from last night, and to the kitchen smelling coffee.

Hopefully he doesn't spill on himself this morning.

I set my clothes down by my bag that's near the front door. He must have put all my stuff back in there after he carried me up the stairs.

I walk in the kitchen checking any emails on my phone and see Harry with his back turned to me cooking, wearing sweatpants and no shirt.

Looks like I'll be having a heart attack this morning. Great.

I sit on one of the stools he has at his island countertop and rest my chin on both of my hands.

"Good morning," I say to break the silence.

"Morning," He says after he clears his throat. "How did you sleep?" He says putting a plate in front of me and giving me this weird look.

"Pretty good... and yourself?" I ask.

"Not too bad," He says biting the inner corner of his mouth, avoiding eye contact with me and I know something is up because he always does this when something is on his mind.

"Ok what's going on?" I say and he looks me right in the eyes and he's definitely holding something in.

"Um... last night- you uh- you were sleep talking again," he says, taking a pause and looking at me. I nod at him to continue.

Sleep talking wasn't new to me. Apparently I've done it since I was little. But I don't understand how anything I could say in my sleep could rattle him so much.

"Well... you uh said to someone, I'm not really sure who, but you were telling someone to not tell me that you're uh..."

"That I'm what? Just spit it out H," I say laughing.

"That you're um... in love with me?" He says like a question and has this look on his face like he's bracing himself for something.

Meanwhile I'm shitting my pants.

My eyes go wide and my mouth just opens and closes trying to find the words to say but nothing is coming out.

"Are you?" He asks me, breaking me from my inner panic attack.

"Am I what?" I ask almost out of breath.

"Uh... in love with me?" He asks.

"No," I reply fast, shaking my head.

Katie what the actual fuck is wrong with you?

"I don't know why I would say that, Harry. I'm sorry, you're like a brother to me," I say spitting it out fast, with a nervous laugh and pretty much lying my arse off.

The look on his face is one I can't read. It looks like a mix of being relieved but also disappointed. He puts his lips together in a tight lip smile and just nods, trying to avoid eye contact with me again.

"That's what I thought, you used to say the weirdest things in your sleep so I just... I just wanted to make sure," He says finally looking back up at me.

We eat breakfast in silence and I just get this feeling that he wants me to leave. So once I'm done I grab my stuff and give him a quick goodbye and a hug and make my way to my car.

Once I'm in my car, I take a deep breath and sigh. Why didn't I just tell him? The worst that could happen is he would say he doesn't have feelings for me and then he would fire me and I would move across the globe to make it less awkward.

Oh thats why I didn't tell him.

I drive back to my flat and get in the lift just feeling defeated. I open my door and slam in shut and jump on my couch. I grab a pillow and just scream into it, feeling so tired of my own bullshit feelings.

I look down at my body and see I'm still in his clothes. I bring the collar of the sweater up to my nose and inhale his scent. His cologne somehow still lingering on the fabric and bringing me comfort.

I lay my head down on the pillow I just cussed out and close my eyes, hoping a nap will invade my never ending spiral of self destruction.