Such An Actress [h.s]

fourteenth

Warning: mention of eating disorders

"If you only knew how much I actually love you Katie"

He didn't know I was awake.

I had fallen asleep on the couch, but when I felt Harry picking me up to take me to bed I woke up but didn't open my eyes. I knew it was him so I didn't make a fuss about it.

But when he brushes my hair out of my face, kissed my forehead and said those words I was trying my best to pretend I was asleep.

What scares me the most is that he said my real name and not Kiwi. Like I said before, Harry doesn't use my full name unless it's serious. So what does he mean when he says if only I knew how much he loved me. Does that mean he feels the same for me?

But he's with Kendall. Or at least I think he is. After press and promo he's supposed to go on this boat trip with her. Why would he go if he had feelings for me?

Maybe he meant it in a friendly way. Maybe he meant it in a way to make up for the comment he made when we were eating. I know he didn't mean anything by it but it really went to my head. The entire time during the movie I just kept thinking and thinking about my weight. Made me want to go to the bathroom and do something I haven't done since I was 19.

Harry doesn't know about the bad habit I had, it was actually Gemma who found me in the bathroom emptying my stomach after Christmas dinner. I made her promise not to tell anyone and she made me promise to get some help.  And I saw a therapist who specializes in this stuff about it, Harry didn't know about it, I made up an excuse about it whenever I would go for an appointment. I just didn't want him to worry about me, that's not his job.

I'm currently sitting up in my bed, biting my nails, overthinking everything. I already called my therapist that I used to go to in London. It was five in the morning her time but she didn't mind, she scheduled me in as soon as I get back home.

I look at my phone and see it's 1:30 am, I've been sitting here for an hour and a half thinking about whether or not Harry is in love with me. I can't sit here anymore, I need to make some tea or something, I can't put myself through the battle that is happening in my mind.

I slowly get out of bed and walk out the room as quietly as possible. I walk down the stairs and go to the kitchen. I put my hair up, grab the kettle, fill it with water and set it on the stove. I stand there and zone out as I watch it boil. My mind starts over thinking again. Thinking about what would happen if I told Harry what I did. But the kettle starts whistling loudly.

"Shit shit shit" I whisper yell to myself, hoping I didn't wake up Harry.

I take the kettle off the burner and start pouring it into a mug that already has a tea bag in it. I take my mug, go to the dining room table and I just sit there, staring at nothing.

All of a sudden I just start crying. I don't know why, it just started flowing out of me. Light sobs leave my lips as tears start streaming down my face. I hate crying, especially if other people are around. Makes me feel weak. I'm so angry at myself that I just cry even more.

"Stop it, please, just stop" I whisper to myself.

"Katie?"

I look up and see Harry standing in the door way with a worried look on his face. I quickly wipe my tears and push some strands of hair out of my face behind my ear.

"Uh hey, I didn't mean to wake you I'm sorry," I say, my voice breaking, avoiding his eyes.

"What's wrong? Did something happen with Bella?" He says worriedly walking towards me.

"What? She's fine, I'm fine nothings wrong" I say but that just makes me break down even more for some reason.  Harry is now bent down by my side his hand on my knee.

"Then why are you crying? What's going on?" He asks.

"I need to tell you something," I say finally looking him in the eyes.

"What is it?" He says softly, his eyes laced with concern.

"I used to uh- I used to do this thing, after I would eat, started when I was 17 I think. I uh would go to the bathroom after I would eat something and I would, I would-" I couldn't actually say it, makes me seem weak.

"Hey it's okay you don't have to saying anything else," he says and sits up a bit and puts his arms around me. And I just break down. "Do you still do this?" He asks hesitatingly.

"No, not since I was 19, Gemma found me after Christmas dinner that year, I made her promise not to tell you" I said crying into his shoulder.

"Why didn't you come to me about this?" He asks take my head of his shoulder putting both his hands on either side of my head.

"I didn't want you to worry about me, I didn't want you to take care of me" I say as he wipes the tears from my cheeks.

"Katie, your my best friend it's my job to worry about you and take care of you." He says and tears start brimming in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I say shaking my head, looking down

"No don't apologize, Kie you did nothing wrong, you weren't ready to tell me then but you are ready now, it's ok, I'm here now" he says bringing my head up to look him in the eyes.

We don't say anything else we just stare at each other, and I notice his eyes shift to my lips and I shift mine to his lips too. The energy in the room has shifted, and I don't know what to do about it.

But before I could overthink it, his lips are crashing into mine.

Author note: I know this chapter was very heavy, and please let me know if I have said anything wrong, I will go back and change it.
Also
We got a kiss people! Things are happening!!
-H