Undercover | a. hotchner |

Chapter 37

TW : mention of suicidal thoughts

Two Days Later

"I think you already know what i'm about to ask." My eyes burned holes into the carpet, I know I need to do this but my god, it's harder than I thought.

Aaron sat beside me, holding my hand. We're in his friends office, he's about to analyze me. Somehow, I feel more vulnerable than after it happened.

"Can you walk me through what happened?" I squeezed Aaron's hand harder and I licked my lips. This is going to help me. "I can ask Aaron to leav--"

"No" I replied loudly, louder than I should've. I jerked my focus off of the brown carpet and into Logan eyes. "N- I want him to stay."

"Okay." He nodded.

I looked back at Aaron and he reassured me with his gaze. He's heard it before, it never gets easier. Watching me relive the moment the first time was enough to make him want to snap Marks neck. "It's alright." Aaron whispered.

I took a deep breath.

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"Y/N are you listening to me?", Logan asked. I took my head off of Aarons chest and looked at him with a haze.

"Yeah, yeah... I'm listening."

"Good, now as I was saying whatever you may think, you're thoughts are normal, its called passive suicidal thoughts. Most people think about it but they don't think anything of it. Now you on the other hand have taken action."

I cut him off, "That was a weak moment, I swear I've never done something like that before, the pregnacy got to me. I snapped. I never have the burning thought to cut myself." I turned towards Aaron again and spoke, "I promise it's not going to happen. I won't, I'll find a better way. I'll--" He softly grasped me hands and pressed them to his chest.

"I know sweetheart, let him finish." He spoke in a calm voice. My breath was caught in my throat. I really don't need him to suggest a psych ward, the bureau... then he really would've taken almost everything from me.

"Y/n just so you know I'm not recommending a seventy-two hour hold. I understand your situation, what i'm about to suggest was that you go on some anti-depresants. From what i've heard so far, this has been occuring for a month, maybe even longer than you admit to. If you agree I'll start you on the minumum dose of Amitriptyline. This can also help to relive your anxiety. If this doesn't work we'll talk one on one without Aaron."

"Okay. When will that be sent out to the pharmacy?"

"I'll send it out as soon as we're done... before you leave do you have any questions?"

I shook my head.

"Alright then, did you want another meeting?"

The tears burned behind my eyes, Aaron took my hand into his lap. "I'll text you some dates later when shes calms down." He was speaking to Logan, now to me. "Do you want another session?" I nodded. Aaron whispered into my ear and we said our goodbyes, walking out hand in hand.

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As soon as we got home my head hit the pillow. Aaron made dinner while I rested. I was feeling drained, exhasted. My eyes had just closed when Aaron slipped into the room with a bowl of spaghetti, "I only gave a you a little bit, I didn't know how hungry you were."

Stretching I rasied my arms and scooted backwards to lean against the head board. I patted the spot next to me. I could see it in his eyes, he was being gentle with me. I appecirated it but also I didn't want it, not from him.

He curled up next to me, a hand rested on my thigh while I slowly ate the noodles. "Did you eat?" He hummed in response.

"Have you talked to the girls?" He was talking about my girls, Emily, JJ, and Penelope... god i miss them.

I couldn't even remember the last time I talked to them or the last time I saw them. I think I last talked to Emily? "I can give them a call later. I don't want them to see me like this." I love them so much.

"Okay, they're just worried about you. I overheard them talking a while ago. I tried to reassure them enough so they don't break into the house." He laughed. "They'd do anything for you. We all would." He placed a peck on my cheek. I really couldn't have asked for anyone better for me. What he's done for me so far.

Aaron broke me out of my focus, "What did you want to do tonight?" I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my night with the girls. It's not the right time unfortunately.

I finished my spaghetti and put the bowl to the side. I felt his deep chuckle all through my body to my bones while I crawled on his lap. Kissing his check, "I don't wanna do anything. I just want to be with you." My finger trailed up his neck to between his eyebrows. He wasn't smiling anymore, the feeling came to my face and it burned. My lips turned downward, "It's been a hard day ya know"

Aarons hold was on my hips and back, "I know baby."

"You don't know how much I fucking love you. You mean so fucking much to me, I can't even put it into words. What you've done for me?" I couldn't finished the sentence. Not with every breath that was in between the words. I was about to start hyperventilating. I'm sure he got the message anyway because he pulled me tightly into his chest. He started sniffling. The last thing I wanted was the make him cry with me.

"We'll take it one day at a time, we'll get through it." He was so right about that.

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A/N

This is so short I'm sorry. I've been putting this off. I feel like I have so much to do even though I know damn well I don't. Sorry