Undercover | a. hotchner |

Chapter 38

"How did you do it?" I glanced at Emily. I was sitting in her kitchen while she made us dinner.

I'd been seeing the therapist for two weeks now. I was faced with a decision, one I knew from the get-go I was going to make, but the toll it would take is too great. I'm scared I don't have the will to deal with it properly, even with Aaron by my side.

"What do you mean?" She replied, putting her wine glass down. Emily stared at me curiously.

"You mentioned it years ago... but you said you had gotten an abortion. I know you know what happened to me, I'm pregnant. I don't want any sympathy, but I just want to know how to deal with it. Whether I want it or not I know it's going to fuck with my head."

Tears were filling my waterline and her gaze towards me fell to my hand while she grabbed them, entwining our fingers.

"It was fucking hard- something i'll never regret because I understood what needed to happen. If it wasn't for my friend holding onto my hand the whole time I would've bailed. I didn't have the strength. I needed to borrow it from someone else."

Aaron was that for me. He'd be there and support me. I feel like i'm asking too much from him.

After a while I whispered, "Did it hurt?"

Emily bit her lip, she didn't want to lie to me. "Technically no. I was like phantom pain. They don't put you to sleep just some light anesthesia. I was so hyper focused on what they were doing that I felt everything. When they were done I rested, and I walked right out."

The oven going off interrupted whatever she was going to say next. We pulled our hands away, and I glanced at my phone. Aaron texted. I haven't told him I made the appointment. Though I'm not ready to tell him, I want him there.

In five days, my fears can be put to rest. For the time being, I'm going to ignore it. While not the smartest thing, this pregnancy has been on my mind twenty-four-seven. I need to forget for just a moment.

The girls came later. We had a nice quiet day that was filled with wine, board games, and movies being played in the background. They were filled in at the end of the night, and that's where we were. Curled up together on the couch, trying not to get red wine on Emily's sofa.

For hours we talked, I needed the break after being back at work. Of course, Aaron told me to wait longer, but I couldn't. My mind was racing a hundred miles a minute so I needed something familiar.

____

I was sitting in the car with Aaron, gripping his hand like he was the only thing keeping me in place and to be fair, he was.

I told him the day after I left Emily's about the appointment, and all he did was pull me into his lap and hold me. He didn't hide how he felt about it. He was elated because I was in the space to make the decision and terrified because this was like opening Pandora box.

From the advice I got from Emily, I could only assume. That was her experience, what if mine was worse. The pain and mental exhaustion afterward could be it for me. I'll never know.

"We have to go in now," I said.

"We can wait longer if you want," Aaron stated, rubbing his thumb over my wrist. I didn't want to drag it out any longer. I wordlessly climbed out of the car with Aaron following close behind. He wasn't going to say anything he didn't need to. He was there to hold me together.

A fog cloaked my vision when I checked in at the front desk. I soon found myself in a gown, I didn't remember changing out of my clothes. I don't doubt when the doctor left the room Aaron did it for me.

It was too late to back out, and I was sure what I wanted. I know I am.

With my feet up in the stirrups and an IV in my hand, the doctor was speaking to me. She was down at my feet while Aaron dragged a chair up to my head. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but I responded back.

When I didn't, he spoke for me. I wish I had been present there with him. I can't imagine what it was like for him watching me space out. Not communicating.

"You're allowed to listen to music. Try to relax. You won't feel it, tell me if you feel any pain or pressure."

I nodded, and the procedure began.

Emily was right.

I did feel it. The emptiness. The loneliness. And all I did was rest my head onto the portion of Aaron's shoulder on the bed. I silently cried, and he wiped my tears.

It killed him to see me like this. The streams running down his face went unnoticed by me until everything was over, and we were back at home. I saw his puffy eyelids and his sad smile when he tucked me in with a glass of water at my side.

"Are you alright?" I said to me, dragging him down into bed with me.

He looked down, shaking his head, "I'm okay. We had more important things to deal with. I didn't want to bother you." How could he ever think he'd bother me? I'm not the kind of person to completely neglect someone else.

It hurt when he tried to sit back up. Muttering about how it didn't matter, how he needed to do some chores before bed.

"Bullshit... I care about you. Can you just shut up and lay down with me. I love you, Aaron. You have to remember this was about us, not just me. I love it when you're all strong and stone like, but you need to drop it right now and let me hold you. Don't pretend like you don't need it as much as I do."

He listened. He striped off his clothes and curled up next to me. His head rested on my chest. I felt the water running down my torso. He did need this.

______________________________

A/N

Again, just to clarify, it was Marks baby, not Aarons.

Also I have massively underestimated my will to re write this... but i will. (I didn't realize till now that I've dragged it on for two years. Sorry)

I started a new job and have been looking for apartments, its hectic