Undercover | a. hotchner |

Chapter 27

Aaron of course was holding in pain. It's been roughly a week since the funeral.

He cried almost every night, I could hear him sniffling next to me. Some nights I'd hold him and others I'd let him get it out of his system.

From the outside everyone could see that Aaron was making it by but obviously I knew better. We didn't talk about it much, but when he did talk about it with me I could see his mood change.

I could see that he was crying less and less. He wasn't sulking, but he was grieving.

In my case I was also grieving but not from a personal loss. But from a crime that we had to commit. I didn't even know them but that didn't stop my subconscious from making me see them almost everywhere.

I had multiple sleepless nights. I consistently saw the couple in my dreams and on a regular day. Aaron and I decided it was a good idea to go back to work, make our minds busy so we didn't have time to dwell on what we had already done.

Right there in front of me, from the view of my desk to the elevator I saw Monica and Steven. They were alive, there was no slice on their neck but healed scars.

I looked away and blinked a few times, thinking it was my brain messing with me, when my sight returned in front of me the couple was gone.

"Hey, y/n are you okay?", Spencer had seen me spacing out a few times. He had come back from his leave and was much better. He didn't seem as tired as before and he was more observant and not dismissive.

"I'm fine", that was big fucking lie.

I felt like everyone knew what I did, feeling their eyes burn holes into the back of my neck. Aaron and I had to write the case report and even though Carmine forced us it still felt wrong.

Our jobs were to save people, not kill them.

I put my hand on Spencer's shoulder, "If there's a problem I'll let you know." I smiled weakly at him and he nodded turning back to his files, my behavior never left his mind.

Whether we like it or not, a profiler's brain is always actively trying to seek someone's emotions through their behavior.

I turned my attention to Hotch's office. I should talk to him.

I walked up the stairs, getting a few glares from everyone and knocked on the door.

Hearing his response on the other end I opened the door and made myself comfortable on his leather couch.

Laying down I turned my body away from him. Hearing his chair slide back I knew he was coming over. The footsteps after only confirming my thoughts.

He kneeled down behind my body. "Are you gonna tell me what's wrong or do I need to guess." He chuckled trying to cheer me up but I dismissed it.

His small grin faded as I rolled over to face him, unable to meet his eyes, the only thing my sight was set on was the door.

"I keep seeing them", he gave me a puzzled look, "the couple... the people we--" I trailed off and he sighed.

"You're seeing them?"

"I just said that Aaron." He moved my legs and laid them on his lap as he sat next to me.

"I know... I'm just confirming. Why do you think you're seeing them?" I moved down a little bit, resting my head on the leather cushion.

"Because I feel guilty."

"Why do you feel guilty?"

I sat up and Aaron moved a hand to my calf, gently stroking it. Trying to calm me down before I got upset. "I ended a life Aaron... and I know that sometimes we have to do that, like with an unsub but they usually have a hostage and we are also saving a life directly. Baby, these people were kneeling at our feet... completely defenseless. They couldn't do anything if they wanted to."

I scooted, closer to Aarons lap and I was almost completely in it. His hand that rested on my calf was now on my thigh. His rough padded thumb made small strokes on the fabric of my slacks.

Tears were threatening to spill. This was really the first or second time I was trying to process the occurrence.

Before we had skipped over it but now I had to face it.

"The way it made me feel, I don't like it. It made me feel empty, just a shell of a person. Walking around, carrying baggage that someone normal, someone who isn't in this line of work wouldn't comprehend."

"I know." Aaron's right hand traveled around my back as he rested against the couch as well. Holding me in his arms, I tried to fight the emotion that was going to spill over.

Not at work

____

It had been ten minutes but I finally left Aarons office. We agreed to come back to the subject at a later time, so we can really divulge without having to worry about work.

"Mamas are you alright?" Morgan asked as I sat back down in my office chair. Once again pretending that nothing happened but Morgan was my best friend.

"Yeah, I've just been having a rough time."

He rolled his chair to mine, "You can talk to me you know... I've had my share of tough times, I might understand."

I hugged him and without a second thought he accepted, "Thanks."

"No problem", He rubbed his hand along my back until I pulled away and he watched as I went back to the paperwork on my desk.

____

I was sitting at home, curled up in my chair when I heard something slide across the floor. A small torn up piece of paper reading:

Found you

At first everything was cloudy as to why I would receive this and who from. The undercover case was over and everyone involved with the Stalone family was in prison.

I looked at the paper one more time and tried to rack my brain as much as I could. Looking at the handwriting, observing the way the letters were written. Something clicked within me.

Oh god

Where he had been all this time I didn't know. Only that I left in fear, going as far as I could from that horrid man.

I picked up my phone and dialed Aaron.

"Hey baby." When I didn't answer I could hear the concern in his voice. "Y/n? Are you okay?"

"Aaron, can I stay with you for a few days?"

He said yes without question and after a few more words we hung up. I gathered more clothes, getting the ones left because half of my things were at Aarons.

I heard him honk his horn and I peeked outside my window. He was in front of the door.

Going outside and climbing into the car, he had some questions for me. "Are you gonna tell me what's going on?" I showed him the note instead of talking.

"Your ex?", I nodded and pressed my head against the seat.

Once my foot stepped inside his place, on the hardwood floor I felt at home. Calmer than before, for now my anxiety was at ease. "How long has it been?", I rubbed my eyes and looked at Aaron.

"Not long enough. This brings up unpleasant memories."

"I bet." He came over to me and took the bag off my shoulder.

"I really don't need this right now", I groaned.

"Can you show or tell me what he looks like, at least then if I see him I can kick his ass." Chuckling at the comment, we put on our pajamas. I was about to fall asleep when I heard pattering.

I opened my eyes and saw Jack running into the bedroom, jumping into the bed, plopping down in between Aaron and I. "I thought you were sleeping." Jack hummed happily.

"I was, then I heard the front door shut." He slumped backwards and let his body flop on the blanket that laid over Aaron and I.

"Well you need to go back to sleep."

"Can I sleep in here at least?" I glanced at Aaron who of course wasn't going to say no to his son. Jack made sure to get situated, laying down between us. Letting his blonde eyelashes flutter closed and we followed. Going to sleep right after.