Denver's pov
I kept on repeating over and over, again and again, what my father Had told me.
About me, Indonesia, Monica, Paulo, everyone.
I know what I did was wrong. This isn't a behavior for a married man, for a father.
The thing is, as bad as it sounds, I felt kinda free. Not that I'm drowned.
But my every day routine is guns, hostages, no sleep, police, chores and a lot more.
I miss what we had, very much actually and in here I have nothing. I'm just a thief and sometimes I don't know if I'm something else, something more than this.
I feel like I'm no father without Paulo, I'm not a good man. All I can see are my flaws, my mistakes, my regrets. Anything that makes me a bad person, a bad husband, a bad son and a bad father.
There is no excuse for what I did.
I need help, I need to get out of here to find my old self. Not only for the others but mostly for me.
I miss the old me. The one who took care of his family no matter what, the one who was doing the groceries because his wife was cleaning the house. The one who had a really bad voice and Paulo couldn't stop crying when it was time for a nap and I was singing to him. The one who went to work, made clean money and spent every cent on gifts, toys, trips. The one who in cold nights could hug so tight his son and wife, just to let them know that he was there forever. The one who was trying to cook dinner just to impress his wife on a romantic date at the backyard.
I miss that so fucking much.
I feel lost in here, it reminds me, my old self.
The one who was doing drugs, the one who was stealing houses, shops, people. The one who thought that he had found the meaning of life. Having fun with girls, meeting with his old pals, drinking every day and being free.
No, no I wasn't free. I was trapped in a life I thought I wanted.
Until I met her. Everything changed. My life turned upside down, but in a good way.
I blamed her once and it was wrong. She brought happiness in my life and somehow they stole it from me. She actually. Her mother stole it from me. And I blamed Indonesia for that.
I still do sometimes, i don't know why though.
She hasn't done anything wrong, after all she never had the chance to feel, what its like to be a part of a family, what it is like to have a father and a mother by your side to advice you, to love you and to care about you.
I don't know what to do, things are so messed up and it shouldn't be like this.
I have a wife who loves me so much and I am crazy for her too, I always have and always will. I have a father who no matter what he is here for me. I have the smartest, most beautiful son ever and I will do anything to get him back. I have a family, so I have everything and I won't let anyone take this away from me.
I need to clear things out, I will pay for my mistakes for sure. I want to, because I've hurt so many people from my behavior.
I stoop up from my chair and went to give Monica her medicine. She couldn't take her eyes off me, not a single minute.
"Monica Gaztambide, it's time for your medicine." I said to her completely formal because that's how our relationship will be from now on. It was just a kiss and it didn't mean a thing. It's over.
She stood up with a smile on her face and followed me. We got inside, in another room and I closed the door.
I also lowered the blinds and took in my hands the small box to prepare the shot.
