Short Stories

I knew (ENG)

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

When you told me 'no I'm good, just a little tired.' I saw your smile. It was a smile that was hurt. A smile that screamed please, just tell me it's going to be alright. A smile that wasn't really a smile, but a cry for help. God, why didn't I ask further. I hate myself for that. Just a short 'you're not good, you are hurting' might have sufficed. I don't know what was wrong with me. I knew that you were slipping. I knew that when you weren't answering your text, I should be worried. I knew that even when you seemed like the happiest person on earth, you weren't. You were hurting so much. At that moment when you were smiling with your friends, you just wanted to hide your pain. You didn't want to show them. I knew that. And I still did not reach out enough. And I will always hate myself for that.

I always had this feeling, you know? That when you weren't answering your text or when you were alone outside, that I should call you. Or that I should be worried about you. I don't know why I didn't call. I don't know why I didn't help you when deep down, I always knew that you needed help. The only thing you really wanted, was to be hold. Was to be told that it is okay, and that it is okay to take a little break. 

And then, you met him. He saw your scars and said 'I don't care what time it is, but if you feel like that please call me. This is too close for me.'  something in his eyes. Something in the way he said it. It got trough to you. I know this because you told me. The way you talked about him. I knew that you were living for him. The way your eyes lit up. It was the same way they lit up when you were talking about something you were passionate about. Your eyes always started to sparkle. It was beautiful. Your eyes, they made you feel a way that you can't explain unless you have seen it yourself. It truly was something special. With one look, you could change the whole room. The way everybody felt and looked at you. It truly was a superpower.

I knew that you either ate way too much, or not at all. I knew, that you either slept way too much, or you stayed up for nights. I knew that you were trying to hold on and work for school, but it took a toll on your mental health. You tried. 

You know, I overheard someone say that you were a quitter. I absolutely lost my shit at them. If I know one thing for sure, it's that you aren't a quitter. You absolutely tried your hardest. You hold on to the very last second. You didn't quit. You just couldn't handle it anymore. Everyday you got up and fought. You were fighting against yourself. One of the hardest fights to win. And unfortunately, you lost.

I miss you every second. I just want to hold you. I just want say goodbye. Everybody was saying that it was so sudden. But they know that it wasn't. They saw the signs and they choose to ignore it. They saw that you were hurt. They saw that you needed help. But no one reached out to you. They all cared. It's just that no one cared enough. 

You were an amazing person. You were the most beautiful, honest, and funniest person I have ever met. I always loved spending time with you. You always made me smile. You had the most contagious smile that I had ever seen. Your spirit was really something special. It was so uplifting. The way you made people feel, it was amazing. The way you could light up a room by just being in it. You were an incredible person. And the world truly lost the most beautiful soul they could ever wish for. People took you for granted. And now, they realize what they are missing.

And I am sorry for that. I am so sorry. No one deserves to feel the way you did. No one deserves to feel that much pain, that they would rather want it all to stop than to keep on fighting. Absolutely no one. And I want to make one thing clear. If I could change what happend. I absolutely would. I would not leave your side for a second. 

I love you. And I will never stop. I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. And that, that is a promise.

Don't let the world keep on spinning without you, sweetheart <3

If you, or someone you know is struggling, please reach out. Especially now in these hard times. You never know who seriously needs help. Even if you are not sure if they are struggling or not. A simple: hi, how have you been? Can be enough. If you need someone, my DM's are always open for you. Please reach out. This world wouldn't be complete without you in it. 

Have a great day or night. I love you:)