Short Stories

Loved again (ENG)

Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more, and shut people out.

- Unknown

Trigger Warning: gaslighting, anxiety, self harm, suicide.

My mind is racing and my heart is pounding. I just want to be loved again that's it. Is that really too much too ask? With my anxiety getting worse and worse I go back to the conversation.

'You are acting crazy again. I never said that what are you talking about?' I can't take it anymore. I look her in her eyes and just stare. Not moving a muscle. The tears are rolling over my wet cheeks. I finally decide to speak up about it. About how she has been treating me. About the way she makes everything always my fault. I collect all the confidence I have and I open my mouth to try to communicate in a normal way. 'How can you say that? How can you act like nothing ever happend. How can you just tell me that I am crazy when you are the one that is pretending like I am making all of this up? It confuses me. It makes me feel like you don't take me seriously.' 

'Why can't you stop yelling? The least we can do is talk to each other normally.' I stay quiet. The only thing you can hear is that annoying ticking of the kitchen clock. That is her reaction? She just screamed at the top of her lungs at me for ten minutes straight and this is what I get when I ask her why she would say something that hurtful? I don't know how to respond. I take three deep breaths. Just screaming back and forth never got us anywhere we already established that.. 'Mom,' I say quietly, almost not hearable. I am not even sure if I want her to hear me. I tried so many times to just talk to her about this kind of stuff but she always dismisses me and my feelings. Like they are not real. Every time I try to resolve our issues, I only end up getting hurt more. But I guess it worth one more shot. 

'Why do you always do this. I am your daughter. It was your choice to have me in your life. Why do you make me feel this way. You know how hard I work. You know how much I am trying. You know that your words hurt mom. You know that and don't you dare tell me otherwise. They hurt me. Your own fucking child. Why won't you grow up and listen to me when I tell you this?' 

She looks me in the eye. I can see that the anger inside of her is growing. I just know that the hatred she feels for me gets more and more everyday. She looks down and shakes her head gently. She starts talking softly but I am too upset to understand what she is saying right at this moment. 'You really disappoint me, do you know that? I never hurt you. Never. You always say I do but you are making this stuff up. It's all in your head and only in your head. The only reason that you are saying this, is because you want to hurt me. You know, sometimes I wonder why I even had you as a child, why I even kept you. Your dad and I were happy with just us and your sister. She never talks to me like that, she never tries to make me feel bad. We should have just stopped after her. It would have been the better decision.' 

My mouth is dry and my tears have stopped running down my face. This is what I was afraid of. This hurt, this feeling inside of me right now, it just makes everything so much worse. My mind can't phantom what she just said. Is she serious? Did she really just tell her own kid that she has regrets of having her? We all have some bad thoughts sometimes that we can't control you know so thinking something like this it is one thing, but telling me is on a whole other level. 

'You always think of new ways to hurt me. You always claim that I said something, when I didn't. That is incredibly selfish of you.' I can not explain this feeling, these emotions going through me right now. I am so incredibly confused. The only thought I can stop from racing back and forth is in my messed up brain is, am I? Am I making this up? Am I really doing this just so I can hurt her? I wouldn't do that now, would I? Am I really that horrible?'

I run upstairs without saying another word. Why does this happen every time I come out of my room. It has become so bad I just stay inside of my room and only come out when I know that I won't see anybody else. It's not only my mom. It's all of them. They always tell me that I should be ashamed, that I eat too much or that I am a disappointment. 

I hear them talk when I am in my room. I hear how they are all laughing with each other. I hear how they are making fun of me. I know that when I join them, the laughter will stop and the silence will replace it. I know that when I ask them to talk, they will just get annoyed and won't listen to a word I say. That's why I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to get hurt anymore. The pain always just gets too much too handle and I am scared of it. I am already losing myself again and I don't want to make it worse. Sitting here alone again, crying in my room by myself has become my new normal. My new everyday life again. Looking around at all the things I could overdose on. Being as quiet as possible because I don't want anyone to hear me. I just want my dog. The animal that saved me. But she is downstairs so I can't get to her without seeing anybody. I start to feel the buildup for the anxiety attack. I am terrified.

The only thing I want is to feel loved again. By them, by somebody, by myself. But I can't tell them that. I can't ask them to just love me more, you know? It's just. I don't know. maybe I really am crazy. I mean my brother is happy you so maybe I really just am the black sheep of the family. With all the power inside of me, I try to keep the dirty blade away from me. I have been in this situation hundreds if times. Sometimes I can but most of the time, I truly am a disappointment and fail. 

I have no clue how to act around them. I am constantly terrified of them and people finding out something or noticing something. I live in a constant state of fear where I can't escape from. It sucks. When I reach out for help people always tell me that it can't really be that bad. I mean, I can't blame them for thinking that. It does sound unrealistic but unfortunately it really is the way I am living. Just barely getting by day by day. And they think I'm crazy already when they don't even know half of it. It is my reality.

It's just that it all seems so perfect from the outside. We look happy, loving and caring. almost a prefect family. I hear that one hundreds of times. "Perfect family". What even is that? A home where everyone is happy? A home where everyone feels safe an no one is scared? Because let me tell you, the opposite is true for us. It all looks fine from the outside. It all looks like a good and stable home, but it isn't. It is the opposite of that. At least for me.

My friends, they just don't get it. Some of them do but most of them are just trying to help when the only thing they are doing is making everything worse. It sucks. I can feel myself pushing them away even if I don't want it and I hate myself for it.

The silence in this house speaks volumes. The way everyone acts like it's fine just gets too much. I can't stand it and I just want to escape this place and my minde. Everyone acts all fine until no one is around or they decide that it's not. The only thing real in this house, is the ticking of that annoying clock.