Under Our Care

Chapter 9

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey..."

"Wake up little Ali," he pecked my cheeks.

I opened my eyes to see him smiling down at me, I giggled when he started rubbing his beard against my cheek.

"Dad!" I whined but it did not stop him, he picked me up in his arms and started swaying to the tunes of you are my sunshine.

I squealed as he spun me around, he laughed as I started thrashing around trying to get away from his death grip but he did not budge.

"You can't get away so easily, Aliyah." I laughed as he started tickling my sides.

"Dad, S-stop!"

I woke up with a start, the dream too vivid and fresh that it was hard to differentiate dream from reality, I felt like I was back to being a five year old, woken up by her father everyday with the same song. The sound of his deep, guttural laugh echoing through these same walls, his not so melodious voice waking me up everyday , I felt a lump forming in my throat and a pang in my chest as I let the emptiness wash over me. Was this how it was supposed to be?

The silent hallway, bereft of life and laughter, the missing warmth of a mother, the bare, depleted whole in our hearts which could never be filled. The word 'Never' reminding me of our loss and the lingering question why us?

It wasn't the first time I had dreamt about them but today was when I could allow the feeling to sink in, ponder upon it, mourn the loss.

I heard a knock on my door.

"Aliyah, are you awake?" Chris asked.

"Yes," I answered, my voice hoarse. He came inside and sat beside me on my bed, his arms engulfed my shoulders.We sat in silence till he cleared his throat.

"This day never seems to get easier. I don't know how to console you guys when I can't do it for myself."

"We will be fine. It's as hard for you as for us."

Grief is a peculiar thing. People say it gets easier as time passes by but it never seemed like that to me. As years pass by it becomes harder, harder when you start forgetting the little things, the ones so little that you don't even notice until they are gone and then one day something reminds you of it and it all crashes down. No matter how strong you pretend to be that tiny little thing can break you, more if you have been strong for too long.

My door opened once again to reveal Maverick and Isaiah. Maverick's eyes were red rimmed, prominent dark circles, it didn't look like he had slept in days. Isaiah on the other hand looked better, calmer if I say so, Ezekiel says, when all of us fell apart, he was the strongest, he made sure we woke up, had food, went by our day. It was like he shut a part of himself, did not grieve, wore a mask of permanent scowl but somewhere we all knew there was a tornado of emotions locked inside, waiting to burst. He might want to avoid his grief but someday it was going be too much.

It wasn't even a minute before Ezekiel came, all five of us sat on my bed, huddled close, for what seemed like hours. We had done this every year since our parent's death, just sitting together, without saying a word. It somehow made us feel better, stronger, like it would be alright till all of us were together.

Soon it was time to get ready, we visited the cemetery every year on this day. We rarely talked about our parent's death, this might not be a healthy way of coping up but it was the only way we knew. Avoid till you forget.

I came down after getting ready, I had started feeling sick while getting ready. I could feel the shudders passing after every few minutes and the sweat beads on my forehead were only confirming my doubts.