Waking Up Dead

Chapter 2: Shadow of a Heart

I must have dozed off as I started coming round to the feeling of goosebumps running down my body as I woke up feeling cold, not unusual however as I am always feeling cold. The side of my face was uncomfortably damp so I lifted my heavy head to see my mom well . . . silent. I'm not a strong believer in miracles but I did make a heartily prayer to the universe to at least show some physical healing towards my mom, but I should not have been so naïve, the world is a cruel place after all with favouring some over others.

I sat up but closed my eyes only briefly as I was reminded that you can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel and I was feeling a lot. With a heavy sigh I slowly scanned her face and posture, she slept very still and soundlessly I knew better than to think her pain free but I was afraid to wake her up in case I bruised her delicate ghostly skin. With my head cocked to the side I sat their starring at my mother and after a while I noticed that not once did she move, cough or even twitch, with concern I gently pulled away the cover and examined her chest movements to see nothing moving up or down I then grabbed her wrist and placed my two fingers checking for a pulse, feeling nothing I checked under her jaw at the side of her neck but nothing moved. My heart rate spiked up and I started to panic I threw away the rest of the duvet and every CPR lesson I was taught flashed through my mind and for almost an hour I fought back the tears until it kicked it that she wasn't going to wake up. As I stopped the chest compressions I straightened my back too quickly and lost my balance and fell off the bed then standing up I began screaming and pulling out my hair I even tried shaking her lifeless body telling her over and over to just wake up. I slumped back onto the floor and cried for hours whilst I rocked backwards and forwards I let out more screams and every now and then I looked up at the ceiling and grabbed at my clothes I shouted at whoever was listening to take me instead and to bring my mother back.  

Now I sat here in silence. Silence. One word can paint many pictures. This one word has created a dark masterpiece so dark in fact that I do not seem to be able to remember what the opposite of it is.

The events that had happened to me before entering the house every emotion that I felt before was nothing compared to what I had been feeling a couple of hours ago. Right now I felt no emotion staring at the wall in front of me with no interest, it felt like my mind had dismantled itself from my body but my heart on the other hand was a different story. I was sat on the floor near the bed for how long I don't no. Time didn't seem to matter to me anymore I could be sitting here for days and I wouldn't have cared or even noticed, the only thing I cared for had died the whole purpose of me living had died. I have no purpose in this world everything now seems pointless and worthless everyone that I held dear to me had been snatched away first my dad and now my mom, who's next I wonder bitterly. 

The sound of the answering machine bought me back down to earth I didn't even here the phone ring, "good evening Ms Grayson this is Mrs Elliot your nurse sorry for calling late but I'm calling to remind you I'll be here to visit you tomorrow at 10 am, goodbye"  then the line was disconnected. My mom had a nurse? I turned to face her smiling face afraid to touch her in case she vanishes; this is all because of me her condition had gotten worse because of me but it surprised me it was that bad that she had to have a nurse and she'll be here tomorrow. I stood up and braved to stroke her cheek gently her skin felt cold but smooth I gave her one last kiss and then left the room to start cleaning the house. Mama wouldn't have liked people to remember her in this condition and that's the least I could do for her.  

Cleaning the house had distracted me from thinking about my mom and what will become of me, the time seemed to fly and before I knew it, it was already 7 am. I stepped into the now disinfected shared bathroom and started to fill the bath with hot water and stripped down to my bare skin, walking up to the sink I splashed cold water over my face and looked up at my reflection in the mirror. The word shocked is not enough to describe what I was seeing; I was staring at myself but not being able to recognise who it was. My face was blank and unreadable covered in dirt but even that could not block out how pale my skin had become, I traced over my now red and plumped up lips different to how they used to be thin and with only a hint of colour to them. My eyes had a drastic change I blinked and rubbed them to make sure I was not seeing things they had changed a different colour from the colour of my mother's to now this strange shade of green. They were a dark colour but at the same time bright and they held no light to them, empty as my heart a shadow of how they used to be. The only feature I had of my mom was also taken away from me. I abruptly turned around forcing back the flood that wanted to escape my eyes. I quickly went and turned off the running tap of the bath when all of a sudden my vision was blurred and the sides of my head started to pound causing me to bang my head on the edge of the bath and fall into it.