invidia 『Hange Zoë』

5: "prepare to head out"

After Commander Smith receives the news of the left flank being almost completely destroyed, he orders a retreat, a blue flare signal high in the air in front of you.

"Fall to the centre!" You order your team, breaking the otherwise silence you'd all been in before. Your throat hurts, and you're not sure if it's damaged from earlier or just because you're forcing yourself not to cry, but your voice still sounds out loud and clear, your soldiers doing as you tell them without a word.

It seems the death of Emmeline has finally sunk in for all of them too. She'd been the newest member of your team, younger than you but phenomenal against pure titans. Something about the abnormal earlier must've spooked her. Actually, thinking about it, you're not sure she'd ever faced one quite like that before. God, you feel even worse now. She had no clue what she was up against. At least the others knew to get out of the way as soon as they could.

The rest of your team have been in the Scouts longer than you, all of them pretty good at what they do. But Emmeline was like the team's little sister, and the feeling of acute loss is never going to go away, no matter how long the rest of you live.

Once you join up with the rest of the Corps, the larger scale loss hits you. Where you'd been about one hundred strong on this mission when you left, now there is only about fifty of you left, some of the right flank dead too (but they'd managed to retrieve their bodies, unlike your side).

Not as bad as some of the historic losses the Survey Corps has experienced, but still bad enough that the mission had to be called off. It had been a mission to plot out a route from Trost to Shiganshina, and as a whole, the Corps had gotten further than last time, so it wasn't a fail, per se. But it sure felt like one.

"We are to retreat back to Trost District," Erwin announces, once the rest of the soldiers are within earshot. You see Hange and Levi standing not too far from him, and you take to observing them. Levi seems fine, if a little wet like the rest of the soldiers, but you can tell the rain frazzled him somewhat, eyes dark and more distant than usual. You decide then you aren't going to talk to him about what happened today. It wouldn't help him to hear about your bad experience in the rain when he's still dealing with his own. "We should arrive by nightfall. Hange squad and Levi squad will join up with Soldier (L/N)'s team to remake the left relay squad. That is all. Prepare to head out."

Your eyes follow Hange. They seem fine too, much better than the rest of the army, though you suppose they didn't have to witness the deaths the rest of you did. You'd envy them, but you know they've seen their fair share of death and destruction, even before you'd joined the Scouts, so you don't envy them at all. You want to run up to them and hug them and cry into their shoulder, but you can't do that here. To be honest, you're not even sure they'd let you anymore.

"(Y/N), are you okay?" Theo comes up to you as you feed your horse some hay from the supply wagons, knowing she's been put through her paces today. The rest of your team seem to hover nearby, none of them very good at hiding their concern for your well-being.

You shrug, knowing he'll see right through you if you lie. "I don't know. I still don't think it's hit me yet that she's…"

He nods knowingly, placing a hand between your shoulder blades, the pressure comforting. "I know what you mean. I keep turning around expecting to see her next to me. But she's just… Lying there, on her horse."

"I'm dreading telling her family." You admit, turning to face him fully, after a moment of quiet. Over his shoulder, you see Hange watching you with a curious expression, but when you lock eyes with them, they don't look away. It's almost similar to the look they have when they watch you and Levi interact, but there's also concern there, just like the rest of your team.

Theo turns to see what you're looking at, and upon doing so, quickly drops his hand away from your back and moves away a little. You frown, asking him what's wrong, but he just says he needs to help Pyotr with loading the bodies onto the carts, and disappears.

Odd. You look back at Hange, but find them looking past you now, in Theo's direction, the look from before gone from their face. What on earth is going on?

You're much too tired, emotionally and physically, to care, so you sigh and finish caring for your horse in silence, contemplating how shitty your next few days are going to be.

❀❀❀

The journey back is uneventful, and the closer you get to the gate, the more relieved you feel, until you're inside and feel like you can breathe once again. Strange, usually returning into the Walls feels stifling, but not today. You suppose it makes sense, since you lost someone you cared about dearly out there, and now you don't have to worry about anyone else getting their head crushed like a melon. Horrified shudders make their way through your body, like the memory of Emmeline’s last minutes has turned to excess energy your body can't contain any more.

Drowning out the jeers and cries of the public (“Back so soon?”, “What a waste of our tax money!”), you stare straight ahead. People that know the Scouts well are going to notice that Emmeline hasn’t returned, and you're not sure how to deal with being publicly shamed for not bringing her back alive. Luckily, her family lives in Ehrmich District, so the news shouldn't get back to them before you have the chance to deliver it personally.

You eye the back of Hange's head, a few people away from you, watching the way their messy ponytail bounces a little as their horse rides through the street, the ends of their hair clinging to their neck with the rain that's still drizzling down from the sky.

Maybe if the rain had been forecasted right, the mission would have been postponed, and Emmeline would have survived. You frown, forcing yourself to focus back onto Hange. Normally you wouldn't want to start overthinking about them but it was the lesser of two evils; either think of Hange and depress yourself about the current state of your friendship, or think of Emmeline and depress yourself about her death.

And you know wishful thinking won't bring her back.

You notice the sleeves of Hange's jacket are stained red with blood, so you assume they must've helped carry bodies onto the carts to bring home. Maybe you should take their jacket with you when you wash your own clothes later, as a peace offering. They would probably appreciate not having to do it themself (if they even would).

It's night time by the time you all manage to return to the Survey Corps HQ, and an air of exhaustion settles over everyone. The mess hall is mostly silent as people eat and digest the day's losses. You can't bear to look at Emmeline's empty seat at the table, and neither can the rest of your team, all silent with their heads down. You wish there was something you could do to ease their suffering, but grief takes time and patience, so you join them in their quiet mourning.

Making your way back to your bedroom, your hand freezes on the handle of the door when you're reminded that Emmeline was your roommate, and all of her stuff will still be in there, as if she wasn't gone. Sleeping in here is going to be difficult with all the reminders.

You push the door open anyway, trying not to look in the direction of her bed as you take off your clothes, still stained with her blood. Holding your shirt in your (S/C) trembling hands, you trace the edges of the stains, wondering if maybe you could bring her back by asking whatever higher power there is nicely. But you know she's really gone.

You draw yourself a bath, feeling grimy and gross from the mission. Scrubbing off the remnants of blood and sweat from your aching body feels nice, but the heat of the bath leaves your skin feeling tingly and burnt all over when you dry yourself off, tender to the touch.

"Maybe I had it too hot," you mutter to no one in particular, staring at the way your face looks in the mirror. "You should've saved her." Your index finger lands accusingly on the mirror, pointing at your reflection. But you feel nothing but emptiness when you do so, and so you resign yourself to sleep off the shock and pain of the day.

Tomorrow, you'll have to tell her family the bad news. To say you're dreading it would be an understatement.

『❀』

(A/N: sorry for another shorter, less hange full chapter, this was where I finally admitted to myself that what I had planned would need to be multi-chaptered lol. Also a huge thank you to everyone reading and voting and commenting! I hit 100 votes today! I'm really grateful for all of them ☺️)