invidia 『Hange Zoë』

12: "i want to stay with you tonight"

Unfortunately, it seems work didn't give you much of a say in the matter of whether it got in the way of you confronting Hange. It's been three weeks since you were promoted, and every second of every day you've been so busy you can't even think of anything but work.

Most of it is menial and the usual; training and practice and writing notes and presenting said notes to the Commander. This you're used to, and you can do with your eyes closed. But there's so much more to being a Captain than you'd considered, and it's a wonder how Levi has even coped with it for so long.

It's not bad, per se. Just exhausting.

Erwin needs your presence at a lot more meetings, so many that you begin to dream about being in said meetings almost nightly. Most of them are incredibly boring, and you can tell he doesn't trust you much yet with sensitive information, because you're usually dismissed with the Section Commanders and other squad leaders when Levi is made to stay behind, but you wonder if you'll have to stay behind sometimes too, once he trusts you more. (And if you spend almost the entire time in each meeting staring at Hange until they glance your way, well, that's no one's business but your own).

You occasionally have to observe other squad leaders in the Commander's place (which is one of the jobs he specifically created for you), and give them tips and advice for how to increase their skills in all areas. The imposter syndrome you suddenly develop doesn't surprise you; a lot of the people you're 'helping' have been members of the Scouts for a lot longer than you have, but unlike your squad, they aren't under your command. Still, it's a job you take seriously, so you squash down your feelings of inadequacy and do what you can to make sure the people you're helping don’t feel talked down to.

And, along with all of this, you also have to travel around with Erwin and help him with recruitment drives and cadet observations. This had been Levi's job before your promotion, but Erwin replaced him with you, on the basis that you had better charisma and people skills. You do agree there, but you also wish he'd have Levi back instead, because you hate knowing that most of the kids that you convince to join will essentially end up as titan fodder.

You've gotten to know the Commander a little better though, through all the time you’ve started spending together. He's very much a closed off kind of guy, always calm and collected, but the more time you spend in his presence, the less sane he seems. You suppose it makes sense, everyone in the Survey Corps is a little crazy (you think of Hange’s own brand of insanity fondly), but maybe you're just judging him unfairly. After all, he did make it to Commander on his own merit, and that deserves an awful lot of respect, whether he is sane or not. It's in the small things. Sometimes he makes jokes that don't sound like jokes, full of dark humour and things that generally aren't joked about. Sometimes, he rests all his faith on a gamble (and somehow manages to be right every time). Sometimes he just seems to be hiding something behind his collected exterior. If anything though, you just respect him more for it. You wish you could hide everything behind a calm mask.

Even your free times are now dubbed ‘work hours', because you use that time to finish any work you have that hasn't been completed in its own time. Levi said it gets easier once you're used to the hectic schedule. You just hope he isn't lying to you.

Right now, you're sitting on a chair in the middle of Erwin's office, watching as he discusses the next expedition plans with Levi. This one is a small one, one you and your squad won't need to be on, but when you'd heard that Hange was going, you requested to be part of the planning committee. If you couldn't go, you wanted to be sure of the plan just in case anything went wrong.

"Less people should attract less titans," Erwin mutters to himself as he reorders his formation. It's not the same one you use on long range expeditions, mainly because that wouldn't work with only a few squads going. "So we should be able to set up a base around this village just outside the walls."