Blue ✓

♠ twenty two ♠

With the knot between them cleared up, Rayyan loosened up a bit more. Whereas before he would walk on eggshells regarding her lack of sight and avoid asking any questions pertaining to it, now he wouldn't second-guess himself.

"I have a question." He said.

"Hmm?"

"You were going for a surgery before I went abroad. What happened?"

"A failure."

"No more surgeries after that? Did they say what went wrong?"

"They don't know. Apparently, it should have been successful, and I should have regained my sight, but they've no idea why I can't see."

"Huh."

"One of the specialists later mentioned I might have something they labelled as psychosomatic blindness. Instead of there being a physical obstruction to my sight, it's a psychological obstruction."

"Huh?"

"I know I don't get it either." Aiyla replied.

In reality, she thought she understood what it meant. The gist of it would be that she didn't want to see. But how she could admit to that in front of anyone else? How could she tell anyone that her blindness wasn't cured, that the surgery didn't work because she subconsciously didn't want it to?

At that time, her mind and heart were all over the place. The loss of a clear direction in life, the feeling of a being a burden upon the shoulders she had aimed lift the burdens from, the days of Ammi working overtime or double to save up money to pay for surgery. Part of her heart was elated to know how much her mother was willing to do for her. The other half drowned in self-deprecation of putting Ammi in such a position.

If that was the length Ammi was willing to go, she'd rather not see at all. She remembered thinking at the time. Mind floating between the yearning to see again battling against the feeling of being dead weight. Despite the fact, Ammi was able to gather enough money to pay for surgery, Aiyla couldn't help but feel that perhaps it was this dual mindedness that left the surgery unsuccessful.

She also thought if she was to get the surgery done now it would be successful.

Because nothing could beat her level of yearning to regain her sight like it consumed her thoughts now. 'I was thinking it's such a shame you don't remember me from secondary. Otherwise, you'd have at least a little idea of how handsome I am' Rayyan had said jokingly.

She thought it really was a shame she would never be able to what her husband looked like. No matter how much she heard description of him, her mind could not conjure up a satisfactory image. She wouldn't be able to see what he looked like smiling at her, arguing with her, teasing or even just a vague outline of him.

She had never resented the darkness so much.

"Hah!" She whispered to herself. "How hypocritical. All that about whatever happened has happened, and now look at me."

Thoughts like this have always been at the back of her mind. How she would never see Suhayl grown up, nor Ammi as she aged slowly. And after her marriage, she would never see her mother-in-law who had carved herself a place in her heart. She would never see her father-in-law who had firmly began take the empty position of 'father' in her life.

Most of all, she would never see her husband. The man who felt so guilty over an accident that he couldn't talk about it without tearing up.

If she ever became a mother, she would never know what her children would look like. Would they take after her? Or their father?