The Highlander's Charm

Twelve

Try as I might to keep my sorrows to myself, I had found supper inescapable, Papa demanding my presence at the meal to celebrate the waking of our guest... Everyone else in high spirits hoping that now with Emory awake and moving about a wee bit will soothe some of the fear inside of my soul that has been causing me to cry over the smallest of flusterings and find myself spooked over everything... They think that it's time to celebrate when all I feel like doing is let tears run down my cheeks and bury my face in my bedding and pretend that in these moments I do not exists... For if I were to melt away like lard and leave nothing but a slick stain where I lay... 

Which is how I ended up here with tears still in my eyes and my gaze pushed solely down towards the table, my plate and wine untouched... At the end of the head table with my brothers next to me, and Baigh on the other side of Papa tonight instead of on my other side where he's been placing himself as of late... Because he knows now of my answer... And whether or not he intends it to, his choice of seating announces to everyone else in the pack of my choice as well... Well, that... Or they'll assume that we've gotten into a tiff, which has happened before since he's so stubborn... None of them realizing that it is not that I do not see all that Baigh has to appreciate all of the good in him... 

It is that I cannae look at him the same way he looks at me... Especially not if every evening Emory is to bring himself to this very hall to sit with us all so that he might know the people who have made sure to care for him while so very vulnerable... I would never be able to sit in the same room as the man I was meant to be with and let him watch as I choose to be held by someone else... And I could not let a man I know I do not love hold me in the first place, even if he did walk into it willingly, knowingly, and prepared... It wouldna be right... 

It wouldna feel right... 

...

Emory

...

I never expected to be woken once Baigh had finally taken his leave of me, all of his questions remaining for the most part unanswered, a silent promise between us being forged to mutually keep our mouths shut, for now, each of us knows that something is strange about the other... My suspicion being that he has a suspicion of who I truly am to Flinn but there is not a way for him to prove it since Flynn has no intention of ever giving in to the bond that we share... He cannae be sure exactly why, but he could see clear as day that if he were to ask me to take my leave that the bonnie lad he had let run away with his heart would hurt more than he'd ever be able to imagine... So he would keep his mouth shut... And I wouldna take myself before the Alpha and let him know that something so very precious had been stolen from his son and that the captured kiss had been so upsetting that the poor pup had sobbed himself into a stupor and wretched in the hall... 

It makes me shiver to think of what woulda happened to him if I hadna been there to catch him when he needed to fall, something I hope to offer to him every single time that he needs it... I can still be here for him...

Which is why when they came to fetch me to bring me down here to this noisy hall that I allowed myself to be half dragged out of bed...

Because I knew he would be here too... And that after the day that he's had and all of the crying that he's done... That he might need to know that at least one person in the room has his interest in mind, no matter how much his friends and family drink to my recovering health and be jolly...

If he needs a shoulder to lean on once more so that I might catch his tears that I'll be right here... Seated so uncomfortably next to Baigh at this table, my eyes trying so very hard to try and glue themselves to Flinn even though I know I shouldna let myself be caught gazing so longingly... 

I had wished that I might end up near him, sitting next to the red-headed rascal that saved me in so many different ways...

I would've been close enough to count the freckles on his cheeks and get lost in them... 

Which is probably why Baigh insisted I sit next to him on the other side of the table, the Luna having been introduced so briefly that I almost cannae remember the woman's name... Not when her perfect son is sitting at the end of this table and all I can think about was how right it had felt when I had been allowed to hold him...

My heart longing for more even though my mind knows that I cannae allow myself to even imagine a life where that might happen again and actually mean something when I know he made it very clear that he cannae have me... 

There is much that I should be paying attention to at the moment... I should be memorizing faces and learning names... All of these shifters going to be the closest thing I shall ever have to a family again with my hopes to stay here and stay as close to Flinn as I am able to be so that I might be his friend... His ally... And anything else he needs me to be... His family I shall think of as my family... And his friends shall be my friends... And I shall watch over them all in the way I should have watched over my home after this damn war started... I shall keep them safe... Just like I shall keep Flinn safe... 

I think I shall stay with this pack... Even after my soulmate departs... I think that somehow... Watching over his family and making sure that they remain untouched by the savageness that the world holds here in their lovely home is what I should do... That it's the only right thing to do... A promise made in my heart to ensure that this castle stays a safe and peaceful place for the rest of Flinn's life and even after...