Don't Let Me Go (Jemily)

Chapter 2:

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live" - Norman Cousins

With the memories still fresh in Emily's head she took in the sights of the woman before her.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?" JJ said circling the dull living room and finding a seat on Emily's dark leather couch. She put her elbows on her knees and put her hands together, not making eye contacts with the woman across the room.

Emily felt a lump in her throat, unsure of what to say. "JJ I'm..." She paused for what felt like an eternity trying to collect her thoughts. All that came out was "JJ I'm so sorry". She moved reducing the space and sat in at the other end of couch, unsure of how to rebuild the bond that was apparent she had broken.

JJ didn't say anything, but lifted her head to look at Emily. No emotions flashed across her face.
She looked away and let out a deep breathe as she started to take in her surroundings. There were no pictures hung and there was no television. The dark hardwood floors complimented the dark furniture that was placed around the room. She had never been inside of Emily's apartment, and she made a mental note of the dreary space she was currently residing in.

"What I said was completely unprofessional and I had no right to suggest you didn't know how to do your job. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Emily spoke softly with a pang of hurt behind her voice like she was talking to a bird she accidentally hit with her car.

It had been JJ who originally told Emily how hard it was to work in a government job as a female. She told her that people would doubt her abilities simply because she was a woman. The two would stick up for one another when those situations occurred and always made it a point to show that they deserved to be there just as much as any male counterpart. Then, they would go out drinking letting loose in a fit of giggles and hugs, making sure to let go of their feelings.

Emily knew she crossed a line, a line that would undoubtedly be nearly impossible to get back over.

JJ still didn't respond and instead returned her focus to her previous position looking at the floor.

The older woman got up and headed to the kitchen. The pit in her stomach far from being eased. She filled up two gasses of water and walked back placing one in front of JJ on the glass table.

"I'm leaving Will"

The abrupt statement caused Emily to nearly spill her water as she sat back down on her side of the couch. Her eyes widened and looked at JJ dumbfounded. "You're.. what? Wh-"

"When I got home, I told him about the case. I hadn't told him that I was going undercover because I didn't want him to worry. More importantly I didn't want him worrying Henry.

He completely lost it. He told me that I was selfish for doing something so idiotic that could've left Henry without a mother and him without a wife. Then... he gave me an ultimatum. He told me that if I truly loved my family, I would quit my job".

Emily's breath hitched in the back of her throat before JJ continued. Uh oh

"I told him I couldn't. I wouldn't. The BAU is my life and a part of my heart is here. He said that wasn't good enough. He's been laying into me about leaving for weeks now and this was the straw that broke the camels back apparently. I grabbed a couple things, hugged Henry and headed for a hotel".

"Oh my god Jayj I'm so sorry". Emily tried to move closer to JJ on the couch, but immediately stopped when the other woman looked directly into her eyes flashing an abundance of anger.

"You know I was trying to figure out which part was worse. Was it that my family had completely fallen apart with no one to blame for myself? Or when I steeped into the hotel the flashbacks of that motel room hit me so hard I couldn't stop shaking long enough for me to fall asleep? Or was it that my best friend doubted me so much that she made sure to make it apparent to everyone on the team that I was inadequate to do my job?" The last question was spit out with the disgust and anger that now matched her face.

Well the lack of emotion seemed to have left the building and Emily was far from grateful for it.

Gathering her thoughts and the mental notes she had taken after replaying the scene on the plane over and over the past couple days, Emily finally said "Jennifer, there's no way I can possibly justify what I said or how I acted. You didn't deserve that, you deserved a friend. What I said to you wasn't because I didn't think you could do your job. I said it because I was scared. I thought that yelling at you would ground me and shake the feeling that I almost lost... that we almost lost you. It was selfish and narcissistic considering the amount of times I had done the same thing in similar situations" Emily ducked her head resting her temple on two fingers.

The next words that came out of her mouth were a whisper that barely made it to the blonde. "When I looked in that motel room I saw your face in every single one of those women. I still see it in them when I sleep. I'm afraid that I'm going to start to see it any of the victims we come across. And it terrified me that even for a split second, it was a real possibility.

The blonde's face remained hard, but was now accompanied by puddles of water that threatened to spill over.

Emily took a chance and again went to move closer to the body across from her, but this time was not met with retaliation. She put her hands on top of JJ's and squeezed, causing JJ to finally let out her tears with silent sobs leading to her body shaking uncontrollably. Emily pulled JJ into a tight embrace letting the woman let her cries out on top of her chest. She rubbed her back and placed her head on JJ's letting her own tears fall silently into the golden locks below her.

"It's okay, it's going to be okay" Her reassuring just led JJ to cry harder.

The two woman sat like this long enough until neither had any tears left in them to spill.

JJ pulled away first, using the sleeve of her sweatshirt to wipe her eyes and nose. "I'm sorry I came over" she said sniffling awkwardly and positioning herself to get up. "It's been a long couple of days and I didn't mean to bother you on your last night off". Rising from the couch she headed for the door but not before Emily's hand lightly wrapped around her forearm.

"Woahhh you cannot go back to that hotel alone Jayj. You're not going to get any sleep and the night terrors are not going to get any better until you talk to someone". Emily danced around the options in her head, not wanting JJ to feel uncomfortable in case she was still weary about the sincerity of Emily's apology. She didn't want JJ mentally and physically exhausted, and there is no way in hell that wouldn't be the outcome if she returned to that hotel.

"You can stay here in the guest bedroom or my room or even the couch if that's where you feel more comfortable... Or I can go back with you to the hotel and sleep on the floor". JJ once again locked her eyes on the floor and stiffened. She didn't want to be alone, but she also didn't want to be around anyone while she slept. She had woken herself up the previous night with a string of screams so loud it could have woken the dead.

Noticing JJ's quick change of demeanor, Emily got up removing her hand from JJ's arm and placing both of her hands on the blondes' shoulders. "Jennifer Jareau, I'm not going to leave you. I know you probably don't want to be around people, hell, most of all probably not me. But I will go to the length of this earth before I leave you to handle this by yourself". JJ held Emily's gaze for a moment as she crossed one of her arms and laid a hand on Emily's.

"I'll take the couch if that's okay" Emily let out a breath as she pulled JJ in for a tight hug.

"Let me run upstairs and get some sheets and a change of clothes for you to sleep in" Emily turned on her heels and nearly tripped over the cat who was clearly reading the room on his best time to make an entrance. Typical.

For the first time that night she turned around and saw a smile on JJ's face as she bent down and started petting the cat whispering foolishness as Sergio purred in content.

Emily ran upstairs grabbing sheets, blankets and a couple pillows before going into her room and getting out clothing for the woman downstairs.

When she walked back down the stairs and into the living room she was met with the sight of JJ fast asleep with Sergio cuddled right next to her side. The pit in her stomach was placed with relief as she quietly placed a blanket over the two and kissed JJ on the forehead.

Goodnight my loves