Drawn To You

•46•

When Tom told me the next part of this episode would be even worse than the first, I didn't believe it. I mean, how could it get much worse than not sleeping and being on a constant high?
This. This is much worse.
I moved in a week ago, and ever since Tom has barely left the house except for school and only when he absolutely has to. In fact, he barely leaves his bed. He cries, he doesn't eat, he's miserable all the time. It's so hard because I just want to help him, I just want to see him smile but I can't. There's nothing I can do except wait it out.
Haz says he goes through this a couple times a year. It makes me so sad that he has to live with this.. at least it's not as bad now that he's been taking his meds regularly. I can't imagine how bad it must have been before..
"Tommy come on, we have classes." I encourage, fixing his hair since he's a bit of a mess.
"What's the point? I'll just fail like I always do." He mutters.
"Hey." I grab his face in my hands, looking into his eyes. "You only fail if you don't try. Come on."
He sighs, standing to his feet. I take his hand and lead him out to my car, getting in. He plays with my fingers as I drive, he's very clingy and touchy through this. I don't think he's ever had closeness and comfort in that way while going through the depressive phase, and I think it really helps him.
I walk him to class, and as we reach the door he frowns, and pulls me into a hug. He doesn't want to leave me, but he can handle himself for  two hours.
"I'll see you in a couple hours." I peck his lips and pull from the hug.
He goes inside the class and I walk down the hallway towards professor DeSantos class. As I'm walking I see Harry coming up to me. He hasn't spoken to me since Christmas..
"How's Tom doing?" He asks with genuine concern.
"Better than he was three days ago, but still not himself." I sigh. "I've been making him go on walks in the evenings and class but that's the most I can get him to do."
His brows knit together with surprise.
"You mean he's leaving his room?" He asks.
"Yeah..."
"Eliana I know you don't have anything to compare that to, but that's huge progress. One time he didn't even shower for a week, same pajamas and everything. Most we could get him to do is eat." He explains and my eyes widen.
I didn't realize just how bad it was and it breaks my heart. Tom is my whole world. I don't like thinking of him being in that much pain.
"I need to get to class.." I say.
"Yeah, me too." He nods. "Eliana um, thanks for taking care of my brother. He's lucky to have you."
"Of course." I smile, and head to my class.
I walk through the doors, and professor DeSanto waves me over to his desk.
"I love it." He says.
"Really?!" I ask happily.
"Just one thing.. a name." He states.
Surely he doesn't mean the name of the guy that sexually assaulted me..
"I'm sorry?"
"You said the guy was someone who had a growing career. I don't know about you but I'd love to see the assholes life ruined. You talk about how women should speak up and hold the men accountable but you're not even holding the one who did this to you accountable." He explains. "Look, at the end of the day it's your decision, but not only will it get more readers if you expose him, you will hold him accountable for his actions."
Now is not the time for me to have to make a big decision.. this is quite literally one of the biggest decisions of my life. Who knows what could come from me exposing him? He's got a pretty decent following, they will probably call me a liar and attack me for it. I just don't know if I can handle that.
"I'll think about it." I nod, and head towards my seat.
______
I make dinner for everyone with my amazing cooking skills that I taught myself since my parents both sucked at cooking.
"I like having you here." Haz says as he makes a plate.
"I bet you ten bucks I can get Tom to eat." I say.
"I'll take that bet." He says.
I make Tom a plate, and grab a beer before walking back to his room where he is still slumped in his bed, staring at the wall blankly. It hurts so much to see him like this.
"You need to eat my love." I say, using his pet name for me on him.
"No."
I set the plate on the bedside table, and sit down in front of him.
"I know my Tommy is in there somewhere and he knows he needs to eat." I encourage. "Just a few bites."
"Why do you even like me?"
His question takes me by surprise. I really was not expecting him to say something like that.
"Why would you even ask that? I love you." I shake my head at his ridiculousness.
"You shouldn't though. You'd be so much better off with someone else.." he mutters. "So much happier and calmer.. life would be better for you."
I feel my heart break into pieces at his words. I don't want him to feel this way, because it's not true. I wouldn't be better off with someone else because I love him and no one else. Life wouldn't be calmer or happier, because I only feel sad when I'm not with him. Even if he's manic, or depressed, or angry. I always want to be with him.
"I chose you, Tom." I state.
"Well maybe that was a bad choice.." he trails off.
That stings.. does he really feel that way? Does he really think that little of himself? I've never had a love this passionate or real. He went to jail for protecting me when no one else was. This boy does not give himself enough credit.
I notice a few tears have left my eyes, and I wipe them away but not quick enough for him to not see.
"Oh no.. I made you cry." He says with a broken face. "I'm so sorry princess I didn't mean to."
I shake my head at him, cupping his cheeks with my palms and enjoy the soft gaze of his brown eyes.
"I just want you to realize how lovable you are, and perfect, and strong.. Tom you don't see yourself how I do. I love every little part of you, even the parts that you hate. Because without it you wouldn't be the man that I fell in love with." I say.
I watch as his eyes brighten in a way I haven't seen in days, and he pulls me into his arms, hugging me tightly.
"You make all of this bearable, Eliana." He says.
I pull from the hug, and peck his lips.
"Now will you eat?" I ask.
"Yeah fine." He says, and I happily hand him his plate.
To most people, seeing their boyfriend smile is a normal day to day thing, but right now seeing his smile is a miracle that I desperately needed.