toska - sapnotfound

wish

"good morning, honey."

nick carefully sets the wrapped-up flowers down on the ground, as well as the dirty garden trowel.

"i got you some roses today."

he smiles after he says that, knowing just how happy it would make his george. he would giggle and flash one of those blinding, toothy grins of his. he always did, every time nick bought him a bouquet. didn't matter if it was the fourth time that week, if it was a gift for a special occasion or just a display of affection on a regular day.

george loved flowers so much.

in the summer, he'd look so pretty with a flower crown on, or with a daisy tucked behind his ear. nick especially liked the daisies, because they symbolize innocence and purity. so fitting for his baby, whose cautious, feminine ways always showed.

he smelled like beautiful flowers too, like a whole field of them. nick could never forget the sweet scent.

but despite his unusual reminiscence of them, he was so much more than they could ever be. you could gather all the flowers in the world; breathtaking orchids, vibrant pansies, carnations, buttercups, violets, and they would still never be nearly as gorgeous as his baby boy was.

"how've you been?" he wonders, slowly digging in the damp dirt, "i've not been doing the best... as usual."

deep puddles of water still cover some spots after yesterday's brutal rainfall. nick made sure to bring proper boots today, so he doesn't have to ruin his already worn sneakers even more. not the most glamorous fit, but they work as intended.

"i slept like shit tonight. i don't know if it was because of the storm or- something else. and i didn't dream either."

he digs up some withered lillies, throwing them in an empty plastic bag. they're replaced by fresh red roses, so delicate and fragile. nick knows that this isn't how gardening works, you can't just stick a plant stem in dirt, but having to wait for seeds or flower bulbs to grow is way too tiring. george would have to go months without his pretty flowers, and that isn't desirable.

"i like dreaming, even if they're nightmares. it makes me feel something, anything. maybe that's why i sleep so much."

he carefully sticks them in a more solid part of the earth, making sure that they'll stay upright. with the trowel he covers the hole, layers of protecting dirt supporting the virgin roses. they'll wither too in some time, but it doesn't matter, because he comes here daily with new flowers anyway.

"i used to never get nightmares before. when i held you in my arms.. nothing could hurt me. not even in my dreams."

he sighs, taking a step back from the gravestone to look at it. at least the sun is reflecting off of its polished surface today, the gold writing shimmering in the light.

"do you have any strange dreams? d-do you ever dream of me?"

don't cry again, he pleads to himself.

"do you even sleep in heaven?" he giggles, forced, as if to stop the tears from flowing.

"maybe you don't need to. i mean, heaven is supposed to be the perfect place, right? i'd imagine you don't need sleep if you're just floating on clouds all day."

he smiles to himself.

"but i guess i don't know shit about that."

"though i wish i could. i wish i could know how you have it."

a bird lands on the ground, not far from where nick is sitting. it seems curious. curious as to why a human is lounging in the dirty grass, all alone. he only manages to catch a quick glance at it before it takes off again, spreading its small black wings and continuing its journey to nowhere.

"a-and i wish you could communicate with me."

"i know you can hear me speak, but i want to hear you too."

"i just wanna hear your voice again.."

he clutches the fabric of his hoodie as his chest tightens. memories come flooding in.

"it was so soft, and your accent was so beautiful."

"when you got excited it rose in pitch and your- oh my god, your giggles... i can't even begin to explain how much i loved them."

his arms are tightly hugging his knees. the tears can't be held back anymore, no matter how hard he tries to stop them. the lump in his throat is suffocating him, only growing bigger and bigger as he remembers his baby's soothing voice.

"you giggled all the time, at the smallest of things. it made my heart flutter. how could anyone be cuter than that?"

"and the way you would smile when you saw me, when you ate your favorite food, or when you watched something funny on tv.."

"you- you just always seemed so happy, so carefree."

"no one could cheer me up like you did."

if only he could be there for real, reassuring him. telling him that everything will be alright. maybe not now, or tomorrow. but some day.

"i know i shouldn't be sitting here just- wallowing in hurt but-"

"i'm sorry, okay? you hated seeing me cry..."

the rusted cemetery gates creak, gravel crackling under the soles of a stranger's shoes. nick's head perks up, his ugly sobbing cutting off for a brief moment as he listens.

"fuck- i have to go, i'm sorry."

"i hate when there are other people here. i'm embarrassing myself if i sit on my ass and cry."

"i-i just- please, give me a sign."

he places his hand on his heart, gazing up at the bright blue sky where his lover watches over him.

"any sign. move a vase in the house. something. anything. please... i want to know if you're there."

brushing some dirt off of his pants, he gets up. his head spins, and for a second he almost loses his balance.

what if george could see what a wreck he's become?