toska - sapnotfound

see

"i'm sorry i was gone."

he crouches down, hanging his head in shame.

"i'm so sorry angel.."

"and the flowers are all wilted, f-fuck, i-"

his heart pangs with guilt.

"i didn't even get you new ones..."

"i hope you- i hope you can forgive me. i'll bring you so many bouquets next time, i promise."

he sniffles and presents a lopsided smile, ignoring the sense of irresponsibility that's slowly wanting to tear him apart.

"you deserve every single flower in the world."

"that and more."

the chilly winds brush past nick's red, flushed cheeks. they mess up his hair, like it wasn't already messy before. he rubs his hands together to try and keep them warm.

"i've just- been really busy with work lately. they've brought in a bunch of new recruits and stuff to the office, and we've had to show them around the place. i've held a lot of meetings and classes and it's been so tiring."

"you know that speaking in front of people isn't my strong side either. sometimes it just makes me wanna sink through the floor. disappear, i guess."

"no one even talks to me casually anymore, it's only about work, only when they need to. i guess they never did before either but, it's worse than ever now."

"and when someone finally does muster up enough courage to speak to the depressed, hurt office boy, they're so... belittling. i-i'm sure they don't mean it, but they tip toe around me like i'm more sensitive than a thin glass vase."

"i don't want their pity. i just want everything to be normal again."

he sighs in frustration, glancing up at the cloudy afternoon sky.

"i wish i had a friend who understood me. you were the only one that did.."

"you understood the real me. loved me for who i was. there aren't many people like that out there, but you were one of them."

"it meant the world to me, that someone could finally appreciate me and my efforts to stay on track. thank you so much for that."

he chuckles pathetically, "i've probably said that so many times already, but i'm saying it again."

apart from the wind, not much noise interrupts his moment. only a few cars pass on the roads nearby. most people have probably decided to stay indoors on a grey saturday like this one. nick would've too, if it wasn't for george. and his guilty conscience, the fact that it's been days since he visited him last.

he shivers intensely. he really should've brought a jacket. it's not unusual that he forgets, especially when there's no one around to remind him. george would've gasped and grabbed one right off the coat hanger, quite literally throwing it in his face on the way out. and if he'd come home in cold weather without one, he'd be met with a death glare and scolding words.

george was like a mother from that perspective, always worrying and caring for their child, their treasure. but unlike a strict parent, he'd always shower nick in kisses and cuddles afterwards, not actually mad at him for forgetting such a small thing.

and if he had been really good, george would even let nick do dirty things to him. he misses those heavenly nights the most, when he got to hold his angel close, got to have him for himself in his bed. nothing else would exist besides the two of them, their intertwining bodies and merging souls. his george.

he drags his fingers across the trimmed grass, and for a second it feels smooth and silky, just like his angel's dark hair. but as usual, it's nothing more than a sad illusion. in reality, the straws are choppy and rough against his fingertips, not like george's soft locks.

"you cared for me so much.. cooked me dinner every day, cleaned the house when needed, washed and ironed my clothes, everything... you did everything for me."

"you were like a housewife," he scoffs, "i remember that i told you that jokingly once, but you didn't see it as a joke. you wanted to be my housewife. you dedicated your life to caring for me, and i never understood why."

"i just wish- i wish i could've cared for you in the same way. i loved you so, but it was never enough."

"though you wouldn't want me blaming myself, would you?"

"i can almost see you up there, sitting on your favorite cloud and looking down on me as we speak."

"when i smile, you smile. when i'm tired, you're tired. when i'm anxious, you're anxious. you must not smile very often."

"if i was there with you, i'd wipe away your angel tears, and tell you that you'll be okay, but you'd never stop crying unless i did too."

"i know you share my pain. and i don't want to hurt you anymore, my angel."

he smiles. an honest, real smile, because he wants his baby to smile too.

"i'll try my best, okay? i'll try my best to live the life that you never had."

"just bear with me."

"it won't be easy, so please give me time. just a while more with tears and hurt, then i promise happiness will come our way. i promise."

another icy gust of wind blows by, goosebumps rising on his arms. he thinks he can hear the cemetery gates creak, whether it's the wind's trickery or another human's doing.

"it's really getting cold, i'm sorry. i-i wish you could be here to heat me up. then i wouldn't need a stupid jacket."

he gets up, hugging himself to temporarily put a damper on the sensation.

"uhm, well, what kind of flowers do you want tomorrow? peonies, maybe? it's been a while since i got you those."

faint sounds of gravel crackling approaches from behind the mausoleum. nick needs to get out.

"okay, someone's here. i'll- i'll see you tomorrow, honey."

he throws one last glance at the inanimate gravestone; the inscriptions, the patterns in the granite.

"i love you. so, so much."