toska - sapnotfound

could

"hey honey, i brought you poppies today."

he smiles with joy, thinking back to the encounter in the flower shop.

"they'd just come in with a new delivery, so i could pick out the nicest bouquet for you."

"and the lady that owns the place gave me a discount too! i think she knows the situation i'm in at this point, even though we've never talked much."

the vibrant red flowers stand proudly in the grass, happy to serve as decoration and yet another sign of love and care. at least they're fresh and newly picked, so they won't wither so soon.

"uhm, today has been.. alright. i-i dreamt of you, actually."

"it's been a while since the last time i did. i don't know why, because you're all that's on my mind."

he cracks his knuckles, clearing his throat. just the thought of that vivid dream cheers him up, tugs at the corners of his lips.

"there were clouds.. a lot of clouds. the sky was a bright blue, and the sun cast rays over everything. it looked ethereal."

"a-and on a small, fluffy cloud... i saw you. you were sitting on the edge of it, your legs dangling, your little feet hanging over nothing. you must've been so light to be sitting on a cloud like that, lighter than air even."

"you looked at me curiously, grinning like you always used to do. and fuck, you were beautiful.."

"your hair was void of tangles, fluffy and a deeper brown than ever. your eyes were so gorgeous, like melted chocolate, so innocent and free. they glittered in the sunlight, lit up like a warm campfire."

"your lips were wonderfully pink, smooth and not dry or chapped. and your skin, it looked so soft, so pale and pretty. i just wanted to reach out and touch it, but i couldn't."

"i-i remember every single inch of your body. how your hips curved, the shape of your cute thighs, your small waist, narrow shoulders, how stunningly dainty your bony hands were.. i wish i could hold it close to me again, i-i wish i could feel your warmth."

his voice cracks as the vision of his lost lover keeps lingering.

"you were so heavenly..."

"almost more beautiful than on earth, if that's even possible."

"you sat there, looking pretty for minutes. i thought you couldn't speak, but then you opened your mouth, a-and- and my heart skipped a beat. i heard you.. i heard you talk!"

"oh, how i missed that soft voice, and that adorable giggle of yours. your silly british accent, your scoffs and pauses..."

"yet i couldn't understand a word of what you said. it sounded muffled, warped and corrupted somehow. like you were speaking gibberish."

"but i'm so happy that you spoke at all."

"and when you stopped, you- you spread your gorgeous white wings, much too big for your body, and you flew... you flew away. you left that little cloud and soared, wild and free through the clear blue sky."

"the scene was breathtaking.. you spun around, turned left and right, up and down. i can't describe it, i just- you took my breath away. it was the greatest thing i'd ever seen."

"you laughed and shouted, full of joy and energy. i've never seen you so carefree before, i've never seen that kind of elation in your eyes. for once, you seemed content, unconfined and just- at peace."

"nothing could hurt you when you flew, grazing the cotton candy clouds with your fingertips. you didn't have a care in the world, not a bother."

"after that, i woke up. i was sweating, but full of relief at the same time. upset that it was just a dream, i guess."

he chuckles quietly to himself.

"i'm such a stupid dreamer."

the gold inscriptions on the granite are becoming more dull from earth's natural dust. he wiped them down just last week, but they're already losing some of their shine. they have to sparkle as brightly as the sun, otherwise they're not clean enough.

usually he'd carry a cloth with him, but he must've forgotten it at home today. he cringes at his own mistake.

"i guess i feel a little better about everything now," he sighs, "it just- it was comforting, somehow."

"i hope that's what you actually live like. i hope they treat you better in heaven."

he rips a straw of grass from the ground, tearing it in half and fiddling with it, not really caring if it'll make him bleed.

"i hope the angels are nice to you. and that you can do whatever you want, fly around until sunrise, sleep all day, watch over the humans."

"you deserve it."

he smiles again, ignoring the hurt in his heart.

"you deserve everything. i know you're the prettiest angel up there, you're the sweetest soul."

"i can see it in front of me, how you're laying on your own cloud, curled up like a little puppy with your knees to your chest. your wings are wrapped around you like a protecting blanket, and you breathe so quietly that you almost can't hear it. you're safe."

"a-and i wish i could be right there with you. holding you in my arms, kissing the back of your neck, singing you a lullaby, running my fingers through your silky hair.. i'd let you lay under my wing, i'd- i'd guard you..."

a small prick of blood appears on his finger, slowly trickling down his cold skin.

"fuck-" he curses, "and i'd keep my warm wings sealed around you while you rest, i'd stroke your sensitive skin with them, share all my love with you. it could be so wonderful."

his gaze drifts away into the distance, focusing on nothing. a comforting feeling washes over his mind, his body relaxing as he lays on his back in the damp grass. he feels faded, almost out of touch with reality as he dreams.

he sees heaven when he shuts his eyes. his hands try to reach out and touch it, but above him is only air.

he chuckles like he's gone crazy, like he's high. to an outsider it would probably seem that way.

it goes on for a good while, a disturbing minute. he doesn't know what's so funny, but whatever it is, it makes him happy. it's better than reality and the bitter truth. he doesn't look at all the graves surrounding him, that would ruin the perfect illusion.

when the chuckles finally stop, a grin still decorates his expression. it feels too good.

he sighs.

"but i know you don't want that."