toska - sapnotfound

me

"hi georgie," he hums, his voice a little unsteady, "i..."

"i met someone."

he plants the new flowers as usual.

"i-i did."

"he's.. an intern at the office. just started working there like a few weeks ago. a-and.."

"he's been really kind to me. we've talked a lot. he invited me to his house last night."

nick grins just thinking back at it.

"i've opened up to him. and uhm, he knows about you, about everything."

"he's so patient with me. no one has ever treated me like, like that. not since you.. passed."

"i-i think he's really cute too," he giggles.

just thinking about the guy makes nick's heart flutter, turns him into an awkward, blushy mess. he knows that feeling all too well.

"i could try and describe him, uhh.. he's got these beautiful emerald green eyes, golden blond hair that's wavy and fluffy, a bunch of adorable freckles scattered under his eyes, pink, soft lips, almost like yours. and his skin is so wonderfully golden too, and he's really tall, like way taller than me."

"i love his laugh so much, the way he speaks and everything. he makes me happy."

"his name is clay."

the white roses sway peacefully in the wind.

"he's- he's nothing like you, no one could ever be like you.. yet he reminds me so much of how you were, how you made me feel."

"i get butterflies every time he looks my way. it's so liberating after months of being numb."

"and therapy is going better too, now that there's finally a purpose to my life."

he runs a hand through his hair, sighing contently. it's nowhere near warm outside, but he isn't freezing like usual when he visits george.

"see? i promised things would improve. i know you share my happiness."

"you can watch me get through every day with a smile on your face now. maybe see me get some friends, going out and having fun with them."

"i know you'd want that. i know you'd- you'd want me to move on."

"you wouldn't want me to focus on the past, and what i don't have, right?"

"you'd want me to live on, even if it's without you."

he feels like crying again, tears filled with mixed emotions. nostalgia, grieving and sadness, but also love, elation, freedom and self-improvement. things will get better, he knows it for sure now.

the birds in the trees above chirp like they always do, but they sound different now. nick used to correlate their singing with nothing but despair and darkness. the blackbirds seemed like death himself, like they brought a terrible fog with them every time they flew over his head.

but their black feathers don't seem so threatening anymore. he's started to see the beauty in the way they flap their wings, in the way they sing and chitter through the raw morning air. everything seems to be clearing up. it will be okay. one day it will.

"i-i think that- that i'm falling for him."

"i don't know but, it feels right in my heart. he makes me blush, he makes my body tingle.. just like you did."

"i think he knows that i like him. he seems to know everything, honestly."

"and he understands that i need time. he's stuck around with me for so long already, he's so patient, like he's just waiting for the day when i'm ready to love him."

"but i don't know if i'll ever be ready."

the weight on his chest is uncomfortable. he wants it gone, yet he pushes through with his words.

"i'll try my best. i swear i will."

"i'm so afraid of losing him too. but... maybe one day."

"one day i'll let him into my dumb life for real."

"he could show me how to love again."

"i know love can't cure me but, it's a step in the right direction at least."

"my therapist will be so happy when she finds out.."

he chuckles at his own dreamy tone. those chuckles soon grow into genuine laughter. he doesn't know what's so funny, but it's relieving. everything is relieving.

"i bet she'd cry out of joy, she'd be like, 'finally this fucker is getting his life together so i won't have to deal with him anymore!'"

"oh my god, that'd actually be hilarious, i bet that's exactly what she's thinking in her head every time i come in there."

"i can't wait til the day i just get to say fuck you and leave that stupid therapist office forever."

"it'll be a glorious day. you'll celebrate it too, i just know it, oh man.."

he wipes away a stray tear that's escaped amidst his moment of euphoria. the lasting high it's gifted him with is bliss too. similar little gaps of light have been sneaking back lately, coming back into his life. it's like the pesky blinds that have kept everything dark for so long now are finally breaking apart.

and he couldn't be more thankful.

"but georgie," he sighs, "i love you so much. you'll always have a special place in my heart, alright? don't you worry about that."

he smiles up at the sky, just one last time.

"you'll forever be my angel."

just one more chapter to go <3