𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐍 ; 𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐦𝐢𝐧-𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬

𝐍𝐎 𝐇𝐀𝐘 𝐍𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐃𝐀𝐃

inspired by the song: no hay novedad
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(translates to "there's no news/no news",)
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genre: angst

"i'm fine," a phrase jaemin used to the max as if it were his favorite. the phrase becomes one with full meaning, two-faced perhaps.

the phrase was one full of hidden emotions, or maybe none at all, but they were concealed behind the worn-out smile jaemin seemed never to exchange for one of truthful happiness.

"baby, i'm fine," jaemin says in a soft voice, smiling towards the toddler. "pa, are you sure?" the little boy asks, and jaemin could observe the entire universe in the small boy's eyes, a world full of happiness and joy, one he found every time he looked into his lover's eyes as well.

"yeah, i'm sure. go play outside with lin, okay?" jaemin says, the smile he wore never leaving his face.

one day he'd have to change the expression, one day when ren was older, he'd notice that the smile his father wore didn't reach his eyes, he'd realize that there was never a sparkle of delight in his eyes.

"okay!" the smaller says, eyes crinkling into crescents as he runs out of the house, and into the field where his friend awaited.

those eyes.

those eyes were identical to renjun's, he wanted to get lost in those eyes again, and hold the body close. jaemin breathes out, finding that he was dwelling into his thoughts too much.

jaemin got up from his sitting position, and finds himself walking around the house. "i'm fine," jaemin says to everyone, even renjun.

on days that he knew renjun watched over him, watched him in moments no one else saw, when he would finally let his emotions loose, he still crouched down in bed, looks up with eyes full of emptiness but much love to spare, he'd whisper those words, "i'm fine. baby, renjunnie, don't worry about me," he'd say.

jaemin liked to believe the words, he liked to believe that everything was okay, but that wasn't quite it. "ren— don't touch that!" jaemin yells, lungs suddenly dry when the smaller reached out, knocking a framed picture down.

the toddler looks up at jaemin with slight fear and confusion, and jaemin runs to the frame, his veins filled with desperation. "pa, i'm sorry, i—" the boy would ask. "I FUCKING— REN, I TOLD YOU TO PLAY OUTSIDE!" jaemin screams.

nothing was clear, perhaps it was renjuns absence. it was at that moment where jaemin rushed to the bathroom, locking the door as he slid down, back against the wood, and broke down.

he wasn't okay— there was no way he would be in the slightest ounce okay.

jaemin's tears rushed out as if they were evacuating from danger, the droplets soaking his hands in fury. "fuck!" jaemin yells against his shaky palms.

it's as if there was an earthquake inside of na jaemin, his blood, his mind, his nails that were digging harshly into his skin, unstable. it was until he heard small sobs that jaemin broke free from his moment. "fuck fuck fuck," jaemin's voice quivered.

"ren!" he shouts. "oh m-my god, ren i-i'm so sorry, baby c'mere," jaemin says. ren does as told, the smaller had a red nose, sniffling as tears rode down the expanse of his chubby cheeks.

ren buries himself in jaemin's arms, seeking comfort. "i'm sorry i'm so sorry.." jaemin mumbles over and over again. "pa, where's ma?" the words hit straight into jaemin's heart.

of course, he'd be curious, he just cried and yelled over a picture of renjun falling.

a part of jaemin's heart swells in happiness, he remembers when the baby would call renjun 'ma,' and renjun would blush, asking why he was the mom. jaemin would send the boy a knowing look, a smirk even, and renjun would huff, but he knew he portrayed a motherly role better than jaemin had.

"don't worry, d-don't-.." jaemin doesn't say anymore, he begins to sob, he takes a last, long look at ren, the little boy with the same eyes, the same ears, the same little shoulders as renjun.

it's then that he realizes that jaemin couldn't push his feelings of sadness and anger towards ren, he couldn't. not when he was his own child, the child renjun gave to him, the last thing he had to remind him in an actual human form, of renjun.

so jaemin pulls the body closer, engulfs him in a hug, hoping that on the other side of the body, renjun would be hugging ren like they used to sandwich the toddler. jaemin presses a chart kiss on his son's forehead, and he heaves a sigh.

"i'll take you out tomorrow, ice cream. yeah? whatever you want. you should rest now, goodnight, rennie." jaemin says. once again, that smile of his. ren nods and his tears are dried, he looks as if he'd forgotten that he cried.

ren smiles, his smile was as if the exact same one jaemin had. it's funny seeing ren smile, it reminds jaemin of when he had a pure smile, one that really was happy.

"goodnight bub. i love you so much," jaemin whispers. when jaemin leaves the toddler's room, the silence eats him, it angers him. renjuns laughter, his little snores, he'd give anything to hear them resonate through their house again.

"don't worry babe, there's nothing new since you left," jaemin thinks. he walks to the bathroom once more, eyeing the decorations. "your robe is in the same place you hung it," jaemin thinks.

as he makes his way through the hallway, jaemin eyes all the frames hung up neatly, color-coded for different events, renjun always organized so beautifully, and jaemin wasn't going to change the order anytime soon.

walking towards the kitchen, jaemin allows himself to smile, a real one this time, when he watches the drawing renjun made him in high school. the drawing was detailed, showcasing every ounce of renjun's talent.

in the picture was jaemin, carrying renjun, and their lips sealed in a sly kiss, their first kiss. that was the day they became official, a date engraved into the corner.

next to the drawing was an actual photograph, one in the exact same pose, but at their wedding. growth, that's what jaemin loved to see. jaemin smiles again, a real smile, but it's not of living in happiness, it's of remembering happiness. remembering happiness that jaemin knew he wasn't going to achieve again.

"i haven't fallen in love again, junnie. i haven't tried, but i never had to try with you, so i guess it's not meant to be. it's okay though, i don't want anyone else, just you." jaemin thinks, and he chuckles this time, one forced because the lump in his throat wants his voice to crack, for sobs to escape his mouth.

he remembers for a moment when he'd say such cheesy things to renjun, the latter loved attention, but he couldn't help but blush anyway.

jaemin looks in the mirror, "there's only one thing that's changed, junnie," jaemin says aloud. "every time i look in the mirror, i can see the stress, the growing wrinkles on my face. the face you caressed so many times," jaemin says, and for the first time, he believes that he lets renjun see him this way.

the other thing that jaemin didn't mention, the other thing that had changed while renjun was gone, was his happiness. his happiness was replaced by despair, heed, sadness, anger— but he didn't have to tell that to renjun, the chinese must have seen that much already.

"the face you kissed so many times," jaemin adds. and this time, he finally lets loose. he allows the sobs to escape, he allows himself to tear at his skin, to scream.

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ANYWAYS WTF AM I CRYING FOR ISJSJS!:&-$:9/'?

agh idek why i did this, i hope it's okay, i got inspired when i heard my dad playing the song outside and it's an old oldddddd song so i just happened to know all the lyrics and i my renmin hoe ass brain said rEnMiNnnNn 😩😏 so yes i did it
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idk if u guys can relate but like my first language is spanish and my second is english but i feel i'm more fluent in english, but while writing this based off of the lyrics of 'no hay novedad' i had to google translate so much stuff and not because i didn't know what the word was, like i know what the spanish word is but i don't know the word for english? i hate this🧍🏻‍♀️i swear i know some words only in spanish and some only in english like can they be equal🧎🏻