My Ever After

an ice-cold sun

Grandma was at the balcony seating on her rocking chair while she navigated her phone. Ohh, that was quick. It's only been forty-five minutes. I was betting you'd last for one hour four minutes and 3 seconds.

Huh? Tay responded amused.

Hmm, that's 143 when you write in numbers. You know, iloveyou, 143, Grandma explains giggling.

Tay takes it with a wrinkled forehead. Since when did you become cheesy? Or corny? Are you what, 16 years old?

Grandma raised an eyebrow. I'm not cheesy or corny. I'm just honest. But yeah, I turned cheesy when I learned to watch Korean dramas.

Geez Lola! You continue to amaze me with your aging. I guess I wouldn't be surprised if you also dance to Black Pink and BTS.

Ohh... I eat BTS music for breakfast, kid.

Tay chuckles.

Grandma puts down her phone.

So, you talking now?

Tay seats on a couch just beside the rocking chair. He takes a slow breath, I met someone, he replies with a lighthearted voice. You know it's not been easy for me to go on dates, much more the idea of being in a relationship again. But every time that I was with him, I kept lowering my walls.

Isn't that beautiful? His Grandma replies.

It's scary Lola. Everything just unfolded so fast. He's a guy. But everyone around was okay with it. Even Mama and PMuk.

Isn't that beautiful?

Everything was just so smooth. Like everything around me just went along with it. I can even say the universe seems to agree all together. Tay was supplying his answers a little hysterically. His typical voice when he is flustered.

Isn't that beautiful?

He's a guy Lola, emphasizing it once more. It sometimes feels strange to be happy when I'm with him. He's annoying sometimes. He argues with me a lot. But most of the time, he is really sweet. He likes to eat, he drools over desserts, and sings, and dances even if he isn't very good at it. He talks with a lot of sense when he gets serious. He is caring and he has this smile that can melt a hard rock, Tay recites a whole list of confessions.

Ahh, he is beautiful, she nods.

He is. Tay pondered. And everything about him is. Even the things I don't like about him makes him beautiful. You know what that means Lola?

Yeah, that he is indeed beautiful.

It means that the walls have totally been broken. It means I'm vulnerable again. It means that I am setting myself up to get hurt again. Breaking the walls means I am giving him the liberty to break me one day.

Now, that's not beautiful. Grandma replies shaking her head.

Tay exhales and lets his shoulders sag. I have only been hearing the word beautiful for the last ten minutes. Why do I get the feeling that you're not taking me seriously?

Wow, that hurt a bit. Grandma replies with her hand on her chest. Who said I am not taking your words seriously? You said it so, he broke the walls to your heart. But don't you think you also have the choice to rebuild the walls every time you feel him breaking it slowly? He was able to break the walls because you wanted to break it yourself too. Look Tay, obviously, you know that New is not just any ordinary person in your life. People don't just come and play important roles in our lives. They take a huge part of us because we want them to be part of it too. He reached your heart not because he simply did so, but because your heart knew you wanted him too.

Grandma's words came like lightning. Tay felt the words piercing his heart slowly. It was painful to listen to hard realities. But it was the kind of pain that he needed. Yes, it was painful, but it was of a different kind. It was painful but also soothing at the same time. Soothing because it leads you to what is really true. Tay takes in every word and begins to tear up silently.

Grandma closed her eyes, leaned back and slowly moved her chair back and forth. Tay, she speaks finally, isn't it unfair to not give yourself the chance to be free? Doesn't it hurt a lot more when you don't allow yourself that liberty to be happy? If you keep going on like this, wouldn't it be really sad to have your heart live like an open-ended mystery of what-ifs? Grandma sighed with concern. Aren't you tired of being afraid Tay?

Tay tries to grasp every question as if each question was throwing him arrows. He can feel the ache in his tears. It was like a feeling of burn agony.

After a stretched silence, Grandma turned to Tay and looked at him with assuring eyes. You are a sun Tay. You deserve to be out there shining brightly. Don't be an ice-cold sun who has forgotten what shining and being warm is all about. She wiped his tears and kept him in a tight embrace. And drop the pronoun because I don't mind whether it's a she or a he. And before you ask me why I know the name of the guy, I have Facebook you know. And yes, I'll say it again, I really think he is beautiful.

Tay was still feeling the bitterness of the questions. He acknowledges the stabbing in his heart as he tries to face the answers. But like always, his Grandma just knows how to hit the button and make him feel warm inside again.