In Between [ATARAXIA Series #1]

002

"Why are you here... again?" I asked him and I shifted my eyes away from him. His presence is too bright for my liking. He has something that can attract everyone. Especially those beams of him. I just stared at the view from the window. I heard his footsteps towards me.  

"I just want to apologize for my words a while ago." his voice is filled with regret. I can also feel how sincere he is.  "Azzelle, I am sorry for what I've said. I didn't mean it—" I cut him off.

"You mean it, or not. It's not important to me. I don't care. Pleases, stop bothering me. I'm not open for friendship." I dryly said. I pointed to the door. "Leave me alone. I don't like you. Find someone willing to be your friend."

But instead of leaving, he took a sigh. "Azerrell,  We are in the situation." I didn't reply to him. I just waited for him to continue his sentence. "I-i'm dying too. And I isolated myself for years but I just realized that I want to have someone besides me. Someone that I can call a friend." I swallow first before glancing at him. He is now sitting on the couch inside my room looking nowhere. No more smile. There's a hint of pain in him. 

"Then why me?" I asked. He turned to me his eyes shining the moment they met mine. His smile appears again.  

"Nothing, I just found you interesting and I want to be your friend. Let me, Please." 

"Maybe, you are just curious why I am like this, but not mean that you want me to be your friend. Mr. Jazxer. I'm sorry but I don't want you to be my friend. Please, respect my answer and leave me alone." I firmly said.

  ***

"Azzelle, I will leave you for a while. Stay here in the garden. Inhale fresh air. I'll be back" Yvon said. He is the nurse assigned to me for years now. I nodded slowly and sat down on the wooden bench. The weather is nice. The garden is refreshing. Tall trees and plants with flowers attract butterflies. Looking at this place you will be mistaken that this is just a normal park but when you turned your eyes to the people walking there, you will find out that this is part of the hospital. All patients are walking and talking. Some are with their nurses or family.

'family' I wonder why? Thinking about them is nothing new for me. Thinking about it makes my eyes well filled with tears but I did my best to stop it. 

"Are you okay? My friend..." he sat beside me. I saw his usual smile but now he looks so weak. His eyes have a hint of tiredness, too. "Hey, I'm asking you if you're okay?" I shrug. It's been weeks but this guy didn't stop bugging me about his Best Friend agenda. He keeps appearing everywhere. Now, I'm used to his presence. 

"I'm not. Being hospitalized is never been okay." I uttered. He chuckled which made me stare at him. "Why are you laughing? I didn't say anything funny."

"You are different. If I ask someone they will say they're okay. But you? You are really honest."

I nod at his statement. "That's what I don't understand. People tend to say they are okay when deep inside they are not. They're smiling, laughing but inside of them, they're sobbing in tears. Why lying? If they can say it. If you're hurt then tell it." I don't know why I'm talking to him. But I found myself sharing my own opinion in this bullsh*t world. He chuckled after hearing my words.

"But we cannot blame them though" his smile vanished and he continue. "To choose to pretend. To show that they are strong. Because even they try to explain what is inside them. Others will misunderstand it and judge them. We are not in a perfect world." I understood what he'd said. Because I once lived like that. Hiding my real face in the world that only focused where we lack. 

"But they need to understand that being honest about your feelings is one of the best achievements. Sometimes telling the truth can let us save ourselves too. Because sometimes the person who keeps hiding in the dark ends up losing himself. And losing yourself means shutting down your life. That's why if you are hurt, cry. If you are not happy then don't smile. If you are angry then be it. Because being true to yourself is being brave, too." from my peripheral view he nods every word I'd said. Like he understands my words.

"Then why are you not being yourself?" I feel my world stop hearing that question. I clenched my fist. His expression changed into a serious one. 

"What do you mean?" I ask. 

"Why do keep lying to yourself that you don't need someone who will stay on your side? A friend." I don't find any words to answer him. Why? I also asked that. Why? I heave a sigh.

"Maybe, because I'm scared."

"Scared of what?" I give him a blank expression and slowly look away. I just stared at the other patients who are talking while laughing. 

"To lose..." 

"Huh?" he looks so puzzled that he can't understand what I've just said. "I'm scared of how my situation will lead them to pain. We are dying. And dying means leaving. What's the point of getting attached to others when you know you are going to leave them with scars in the end? Jazxer, you? Aren't you scared?" he shook his head. 

"I'm giving myself a chance. Being scared isn't my priority." I smile bitterly. He is brave and positive. How come he is dying? 

"I just don't want it." I coldly uttered.

"What do you mean?" I looked up at the sky. The blue sky made me smile. It's wonderful. 

"I just don't want to feel that feeling anymore."

"What feeling?" I looked at him. And slowly shake my head.

Instead of answering I gazed at him and let us words that I never knew will change our life. 

"If you can answer this I will be your friend, Jazxer." I saw a glint of determination in his eyes. I saw my old self in him. The fearless Azzelle. But that Azzelle is already dead. I'm okay living like this.

"If you are given a chance to go out again from this hospital and face the world outside. What is the very first thing you will do?" I give him a look like I'm challenging him. It may look like an easy question but for the person who's dying, it's the hardest thing to decide. He averted my gaze and closed his eyes like he was thinking.

"Why it's hard?" he whispered but I was still able to hear it. Yes, it's hard. An easy question but either me? I don't know what will I'm going to do. He stood up. 

"I will back. I will answer that question of yours." with that, he stormed out away. I was left alone thinking who's that guy? And why every time that he will show up in front of me. I feel that the wall I build is breaking into pieces.

"What are you thinking, Azzelle?" It's Yvon. He is smiling at me. 

"Nothing." he guided me to go back to my room. As I lay in my bed. I can't help but think. But behind those thoughts, a hope in me that he should answer that. Did I need a friend? I took a deep sigh. I stared at the ceiling. I asked him because I'm curious. And inside of me. I'm craving to answer that question too but I don't know how.