In Between [ATARAXIA Series #1]

015

When they said all of us have a purpose in this world I would like to disagree. Because I couldn't feel my purpose anymore. Everything turns blank. I just found myself turning back from everything. I felt like I am stuck in the middle of a blackout. I felt tired of seeking answers. I want to believe in what I feel. But how? If the truth was already punching me so hard. The Reality was cruel. Every time I slept I dreamt about him which makes me happy. I lose control of my own life. I let myself be dragged to the world I am with him. And no one can ever save from this misery. 

"Azzelle..." I saw him sitting on the couch inside my ward. A smile appeared on my lips but my heart was shattering. Maybe because I know it's all from my brain. I can manipulate my brain but not my heart especially since I know the truth. I am just fooling myself. 

"Jazxer..." He both raised his arms gesturing for me to hug him. My tears burst out. My sobs came out and later on, the room filled with my agony. Why I'm hurting even though I can see him? He wiped my tears and kissed my forehead. His eyes are giving me a pitying and begging gaze. He cages me with his embrace. 

"Azzelle, stop resisting..." He whispered. He pulled himself to the hug. He interlocks our fingers together and kissed them. "I know you are tired of fighting. You should stop chasing me. Stop it or else, you will going to lose yourself..."  

"I-if losing myself means having you then, so be it." Pain crossed his eyes and he shrugged. He let go of my hands and cupped my face. Caressing it gently. 

"You created me to become your strength, not your weakness. You can't lose in the battle of sanity. You can't." He almost pleads. He gives me the warmest smile that made me feel better.

"Stop holding to something temporary. Open your eyes and be free. You'll end up finding your real happiness. Your brain was only tricking you. I am saying all of this because you still want to be free. All I am saying and doing was coming from you. That's how you love yourself, Azzelle. You are saving yourself that's why I am here in front of you. You are the reason for my existence. I am not the reason why you are fighting it's you. You are your reason."  I can't stop my tears from flowing. Why did I feel so relieved hearing those from him? Why do I feel that my burden is gone? 

"In the end, Azzelle...." He looked straight into my eyes. I saw love in him. I saw my reflection in his orbs. I saw how tired I am but my eyes are glistening with a tiny hope inside. "See how your eyes shine in hope? Love, you are the one who can save yourself." 

"J-jazxer,  can I stay for a while? A minute can I?  I-i just need more s-strength then I'll let you go..." He nodded and caged me again inside his arms giving me warmth and protection. An embrace that made me feel at home.

"You are not alone, Azzelle. I am always here for you..." I don't want to let go of our hug. I don't want to let him go but something pushed me to do it. It's time for me to be free. 

"This is just your imagination, Azzelle. This is not true. The thing is, this happened because you love yourself. You give yourself a reason to live that's why I am here but now? You don't need me anymore. All you need is to believe in yourself. " He kissed my forehead which made me close my eyes. Next to my eyes, nose, cheeks, and lastly my lips. When I opened my eyes his sincere smile in the very first thing I saw. He looks so proud of me. He looks so happy. 

"I love you, Azzelle. Be free..." After saying those he just disappeared from my sight. And there I saw myself smiling at myself. The old version of me. The one who has a genuine smile. The Azzelle that has been gone for years. He is crying but his eyes tell me that he is beyond proud and happy.

"I miss you, Azzelle. I am so proud of you for finally letting yourself be free. Wake up now and let's face our reality..." My old self uttered. The next thing I know I'm back to reality. 

"Yvon..." I called him. I saw how tears escaped from his eyes. 

"You're back..." He gives me a tight hug. I heard his heartbeat. I looked at him. My tears streamed.

"Do you know what is worst? Being alone in the pain that you keep for a long time? Dying? Orr being happy with someone that no one can ever believe existed?" I suddenly questioned.

"A-azzelle.." I give him a sign to stop talking.

"The worst is losing yourself. Lose control of your own life without even realizing it..." 

"He is true.." I hope. I wish. I'll trade even my life for him to be true but I know he is not. 

"Azzelle, please, listen to me..." I chuckled but it turns out a lifeless one. I feel zombie-like whenever I woke up. Not the same with him.

"I know but... I don't care anymore, Yvon." I smile at him and looked outside the window. "Because between of true or not. He lies in between them, in the middle. And I will choose always that in between." I looked at him with a blank expression.

"True or not, he is my happiness and with him, I found a reason to live. And I know he'll happy if I chose myself over him." I added.  

"You mean..." I nodded. 

"I'll overcome everything..."  After that day they start giving treatment that I'd take seriously.  I received a lot of compliments from my doctors. 

"Azzelle, between fantasy and reality, there's one thing that connects them. That thing pulls the two worlds for them to collide. And this thing also creates the reason to full the fantasy in the existence of our reality. What is it?" Dr. Evanz asked. She's the one who's counseling me again. 

"Our feelings," I said. She smiled. "Emotion can drive fantasy to exist in reality. Our reality caused us to be caged in the emotion that is possible to pull the fantasy to exist. As a patient, the emotions that I felt from reality pushed me to the limit and let me drown in the fantasy. I honestly responded. 

"What is the difference between fantasy and reality, Azzelle?" 

"Fantasy is an idea or scenario that can't be associated with reality because fantasy isn't true. It's no basis in reality. It is just a product of our imagination. Fantasy is something with which we associate ourselves to escape from our reality. While the reality is, what exists. Us. What we are doing right now is part of reality." 

"Azzelle, congratulation. You passed our last session after 2 years." I smiled at her. I'm done. After two years of doing all the treatments. I am finally free. No more hallucinations. No more Jazxer. I still love him and it has never gone. But I am okay. I already know what's the difference between the world that I made from reality. Jazxer exists in my world. Not in my reality.

"Here." I looked up at Yvon. He gives me a bottle of juice. I accept it. 

"Thanks." He nodded and sat beside me. 

"Can I ask you something, Azzelle?"  

"You are already asking Yvon.." He made a face that made me chuckle. "Joke. Go on.."

"How you overcome easily. I mean it's not ordinary hallucination Azzelle. Don't get me wrong I'm glad that you're okay now. But how?" 

"Because I accepted everything, Yvon..." I give him a small smile before continuing my words. " It's hard to accept that something that made you smile and feel alive isn't true. You will be lost in the pain and you will end up asking what is real to fake but you'll get tired too. You'll get tired of asking why? And how? And that moment Yvon, I found myself creating a world with Jazxer again and letting him be the one who tells me what to do. I unconsciously let him tell me what I should do. And after that, I accepted that truth. Focus on me and here I am. After two weeks I can be discharged..." Sadness crossed his eyes. "And now Jazxer is my inspiration to keep going..." I added.

"I like you, Azzelle..." I'm not surprised anymore. I already know about his feelings toward me.

"I know. But I'm sorry..." He nodded even though pain is lingering in his eyes. You deserve better Yvon not me who's still tied in the feeling for someone that never exist. 

"I know you're still into him. I'm wishing you the best, Azzelle, and happiness..."

"Thank you, Yvon. Thank you for staying by my side even in my worst..." My new journey will be going to start. After two weeks I'll step out of this place. A place where I live for almost half of my life. 

"Jazxer guide me..." I whispered while looking at the stars shining through the sky.