In Between [ATARAXIA Series #1]

014

I looked around before going out of my room. I made sure no one will be caught me. No one can stop me from seeking things I wanted to know. I don't know where I'm going to start. I don't even idea what exactly I should do. I feel like I'm searching for something I even don't know what it is. Where should I start? 

"Wake up Azzelle,  you are searching for him, your happiness," I said to myself.

"Azzelle," I was stiff when I heard Yvon's voice from my back. I slowly turned to him and give him a cold stare.

"Where are you going?" He asked. "Dr. Sid said you should stay inside your ward." He added. I swallow the lump forming in my throat before answering him.

"Just looking around. I'm bored. Don't worry I'll be back in my ward later. I'm going." With that, I run. I even heard him calling my name several times. But I didn't look back. I just ran without any exact place to go. His hospital is huge. I ran until my eyes caught a door the very familiar to me. The stock room where Jazxer and I painted the walls inside. When I touched the cold doorknob my heart pounded. The memories we'd shared inside flashed in my mind. The way Jazxer sulked when I told him that his work was ugly.

"His legendary stickmen," I whispered. I chuckled but later on, I felt my hot tears. I thought I am done crying. I thought I lose my tears already. But I guess shedding will be part of my loneliness. I was about to open it when someone spoke.

"Patients are not allowed inside." I look at the person who said that. He's wearing a doctor's white coat. Wearing an eyeglass. He is small compared to me but I feel dominance over him. Dr. Ganther Uries Neric  Asuncion. I read in his coat. 

"I-i just need to check something." He stared at me deeply. I feel uncomfortable with the way how he stared at me. 

"I'm very sure that about the policy of this hospital. Patients are not allowed to enter into employees' rooms like that room." His voice was calm but it gives me goosebumps. 

"B-but--" I stop when he laughed. 

"I'm just joking I'm not going to interfere with someone's business I just wanted to see you. Mr. Azzelle," My forehead creased.

"Do you know me?" He slowly nodded. He is very creepy. 

"Yes, I know you and even Jazxer. You can call me Ganther" He smirked after saying that. I was stunned when he said his name.

"Y-you know him? T-they said he isn't true..." He took steps forward that made me step backward until I feel the door behind me. He leaned forward and whispered something. Why I'm afraid of him so badly?

"Yes, I knew about you. Your story was my favorite among other pathetic patients here. I don't know what you think but I'll give you a hint." He gives space between us. I saw amazement in his black orbs. I don't like his aura. It's dangerous. He even looks like a patient who has a problem in his head. Why I always ended up meeting weird people? Since I woke up I've always met people who seemed not normal. Like a person who's staring at me like I am his favorite prey. 

"I don't know what is sympathy. But I think what I felt right now is sympathy. All of us are crazy but in only different ways. It may be love or what, there is any reason why we end up being crazy. I'll go. Don't worry this is the last time we will see each other. It's all in your head seek it. You've been staying here for too long and you ended up caging yourself here. Remember you have a life outside." He caressed my cheeks. "Remember Azzelle. Tsk remember. Stop being a pathetic one." After that, he left me dumbfounded. I just came back to my senses when I felt my hands tremble. 

"Who the hell is that?" I gulped when I remember his eyes it was deep and I can't see any emotions. I took a deep sigh before opening the door of the stock room. As I entered I closed it again. And what I saw inside made my tears burst. 

"T-they l-lied t-to me..." My knees weaken end up kneeling on the floor. My body is shivering. My sobs came out. I don't know how long I am staring at the wall. A wall with a drawing of stickmen. At the same time, my drawing is on the other wall. How could they do this to me? Why they made me look like a crazy liar? My heartache suddenly. I cannot breathe properly. But I don't care I'm just too focused on the wall. My sight got blurry. 

"AZZELLE! AZZELLE!" The last thing I heard before I passed out. 

I woke up in a familiar ambiance. Cold white room. The scent of medicine. The beeps of the vital monitor attached to me. An oxygen mask. Then I remembered I passed out while looking at those drawings. Our art in the white wall. 

"Azzelle----" I immediately cut off Yvon.  

"What did you lie to me? Why do you keep saying he's not true? Why?" I asked him. He saw pity in his eyes at the same time tiredness. I know Yvon was already tired too in our situation. Even me. I am tired. I am tired to the point everything is pointless. 

"Azzelle... Stop, please... Let's stop this..." He said more begging. "Stop looking for him..." A tear fell from him. 

"Stop what Yvon? " My voice was weak. I averted my gaze from him. 

"Stop looking at him. Stop looking for shreds of evidence that he is true. Stop hurting yourself, Azzelle. The more you seek him the more you break yourself into pieces. He's not true..." I shook my head right away when I heard that. 

"STOP BEING A LIAR! I SAW THE DRAWINGS. I SAW IT. STOP... Stop hurting me.. please. I can't handle it anymore." I can feel my tears right now. 

"You are the one who needs to stop, Azzelle... Stop hurting yourself. Stop believing. Those paint in the stock room. You are the one who made it. You are too blinded. Too blinded to the point you didn't notice your actions." I laughed like a madman. 

"I'm a heart disease patient... Why it looks like I'm  more of a psychiatric patient?" Yvon shrugged his head and breath deeply. 

"I'm sorry, Azzelle..." He passed a tablet to me. With my trembling hands, I grabbed and play the video that was paused. When I played it my heart and mind just shut down. In the video, It was me inside the stuck room alone. Painting. And what's hurt me more? I saw how I painted one of the walls with a stickman. How I laughed and smile alone. How I talked as if I were with someone. 

"Azzelle,  listen to me because of your condition. You are in too much pain because of rejection from your family. As a solution, you create a pace in your head. You create an imaginary person who will accept you and love you the way you wanted." He walks towards me and hugged me. I want to push him but I feel like my energy is drained and I'm just looking at the video with lifeless eyes. "You need someone beside you that's why you made him. You made Jazxer be with you. You end up having schizophrenia. You are too obsessed to find someone that's why it happened. We're sorry for not telling you but you've been suffering from Psychosis disorder too." I don't know how to react. I don't know what to say. If it's a joke then it's not even funny because it breaks me. 

"H-how long?" I lifelessly asked. 

"3 years from now, Azzelle..." After hearing that I knew everything will change. And after that day I lost myself. I end up losing myself and drifted to the world that I've made with him...

"Jazxer, I love you. I'll never leave you again." I hold his hand tightly like my life is defending how tight he holds to me.

"I love you too, Azzzelle. Forever," It sounds like a promise that he sealed with a kiss. 

Ganther was right. All of us are crazy and we just have different ways to manage our craziness. Me? If being together with Jazxer is insanity then I'm more willing to be crazy than living without him.

True or not as long as I feel his presence and saw him in my world I don't care. This is my world in between fantasy and reality he lies in between. Because for me he is true at the same time the feeling he is giving to me is like a mere fantasy. He is the only one who can make me feel complete than those people who are with me in reality. If being lost like this makes me find the way toward him? Then I am more willing to fall into the world I created for us.