In Between [ATARAXIA Series #1]

013

"Azzelle.." I didn't look at him. I just stared at the plain white wall in the corner of my room.  I heard him sigh before saying things he needs to say to me. I don't know how many days or months passed I just lost count and care for that. 

"Dr. Sid said you need to go out often for fresh air. You need to consume---" I didn't let him finish his sentence.

"Okay," I replied and stood up. Yvon was about to come with me but I faced him. "I want to go alone." And turned my back to him and left him in my room. I don't want to be rude but I can't stop myself. I feel bitter every day passes. They already stop my counseling with Dr. Evanz and it made me feel better. Having counseling just makes me restless

I sat at the usual spot where me and Jazxer sitting. The warm wind embraced me but I still feel cold inside. I feel so incomplete. I suddenly remembered my dreams about Jazxer. When we are on a gloomy road and he's mad at me. I understood it now.

"Did I bring you into darkness while creating you? Did I make you feel afraid in the world that I made?" I whispered but I let out a chuckle when I realized no one can answer me.

"All of us can drag someone into darkness unintentionally." A  man sat beside me. He's wearing a school uniform. He smiles at me. He is smiling but his eyes are filled with pain. I saw myself in him. "We are too focused on our happiness and we didn't see the consequences that are coming by embracing that happiness of us." He took a deep sigh and I saw tears in him that were about to fall. He looks so tired like me.

"Why are you here?" I asked. I don't know why I asked that. He shows me his arm that has gauze.

"Gunshot. I'm Rehan," He extended his hand. I accepted his hand into a handshake.

"I am Azzelle..."

"So what's the story about your pain?" I'm getting comfortable with him so I asked that. He gives me a wry smile and looked away. 

"An angel falls for a demon I guess. I hate it. I don't hate that I fall for him. I just hate the situation I have that caused madness in our life. It's fucked up." His voice was hoarse. He looks so vulnerable. "But Azzelle. Do you know what?  I decided to fight. I don't care if I end up being caged in the dept of darkness if that means saving him..." I saw hope in his eyes. "You? how about you?" He added. I averted my eyes and look up to the sky. The sky looks so peaceful unlike me. Inside me is chaos.

"I'm just a dying patient before. Who fall in love with the person I just made. They said I just made him inside here." I pointed my head. "He never existed. That wants they said to me." I bitter smile appeared on my lips. "But my heart and mind keep yelling that he's true. He existed."

"Then look for him." That statement from Rehan made me shift my eyes to him. 

"H-huh?"

"Search for him. If you are not satisfied with what they are saying to you. Then find him. Azzelle if you try looking at it, you will end up with two answers. He is not true or he's true but between those answers at the end of the day, you'll satisfy. Because looking at you right now you are falling into a deep chasm. And if you keep falling you'll end up like me." I blinked when I saw how Rehan's eyes color changed. From deep brown into jet black. Or is it just my imagination? 

I just shrugged it off and spoke. "But I'm scared if they're telling the truth." He chuckled. Suddenly his aura becomes different from being fragile to someone strong. 

"I'll guess, you are afraid too if they're not telling the truth aren't you? We can't stop ourselves to be scared of answers. But we need to be brave because if we didn't. We are losing the game of life." He clicked his tongue and playfully stared at me. He looks so different from fragile Rehan that crying a while ago. Something telling me that he isn't an ordinary man. He's dangerous. But I feel comfortable with him. "Yes, I am a dangerous man, Azzelle. But even the devil was once an angel too right? He was too tired of being so nice so I end up being here. I am protecting him. They fucked him so I'm not just going to sit like a lost child. Don't worry I'm not going to harm you. So dude find the truth. It's not healthy thinking too much." I nodded to what he said even though I don't understand who he was talking about. He was right. I should find Jazxer. I should look for him.

"Rehan!" Someone called Rehan behind us. A man with a grumpy look. His eyes were too cold.  He raised his eyebrow when his eyes landed on me. Jealousy is written on his face. But after a second it's gone. He stared at us while a blank expression. I saw how the pain in Rehan's eyes turned into happiness. Love can really ease the pain.

"He is Krios, my lover..." Rehan uttered. I nod. I was about to say something when Krios spoke. I didn't notice that he was already in front of us.

"I just left you for a while Angel. Just fucking minutes but you already flirting with another person." A hint of irritation is visible in his tone. The way he looks at me as if he wants to kill me.

"Chill, Babe. I'm only yours stop being jealous." Krios's eyes widen upon hearing Rehan's words. 

"Angel...?"

Rehan let out chuckles. "He's just resting. Let me have you today, Krios. Tsk. By the way, he is Azzelle your angel's new friend." I heard krios tsked. We talked for a long time until they both bid goodbye to me. They said they need to clean something but I didn't have a chance to ask what it is. Before they left Rehan give me another piece of advice which made me eager to find answers. Answers to those unsaid questions in my mind.

"Life is too short, Azzelle. You've said, you are given another chance to live. Why not used that to find what meant for you? Don't let them dictate you. They can say everything they want to make you believe, but you are not a robot. Find your happiness. I hope when we see each other again I can see your true smile." I was left thinking. I was left fighting with myself if what I'm going to do. I feel a pang in my chest. I'm incomplete without him.

"You're thinking too much. It's raining." It's Yvon. He's holding an umbrella for me.

"I'm drowning." I saw how shocked he is. This is the first time I talked to him again. "I am drowning in my thoughts. Too many questions, but I don't even have clear answers."

"Don't think about it, and you'll be fine." I laughed. I wish it was easy.

"I wish I can." I stood and left him not minding the drops of rain. I decided. Finally.

"I'll find him. If no one believes in me, that he is true, then I'll make them believe. I'm not going to believe in them..."