101 Thomas Brodie Sangster Imagines

I Want To Hear Your Voice

I Want To Hear Your Voice

It’s been exactly one year since Thomas died. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of him. Think of his square jaw. His perfect dirty blond hair. Thomas’ brown eyes that sparkled. The way he smiled all the time. And the way his eyebrows furrowed when he was thinking. It’s not only hard for me, but for Eleanor. Eleanor is me and Thomas’ baby girl. She was barely 18 months old when he died.

Eleanor has his eyes and I know it. She also has his smile. Our little girl is such a smiler. She’s the happiest baby ever.

Tonight, after I put Eleanor to sleep, in her room, I walk back into my own room. My empty room. The room Thomas and I used to share. The room where he held me, every night for almost 3 years.

Now, I lay here alone, in the bed I used to lay with Thomas in. I stare up at the ceiling, letting the tears fall down my face and onto my pillow. I sniffle and close my eyes, trying to think of how alone I feel.

I lay here for too long, sleep not coming over me. I throw my comforter off me and rise from my bed. I walk over to the window in the bedroom. I sit, cross legged at the bottom of the full length window. I watch the bright moon glow up the night sky. I watch stars twinkle next to the moon, asking for their turn to shine. Then I think of Thomas. Thomas is up there, somewhere, shining brighter than any of the stars.

“Thomas, I miss you like crazy. I know it wasn’t your fault that a drunk guy…” I trail off. “Well, you know what I mean,” I say, looking up at the sky. I just know that Thomas can hear me. I know that he’s listening and there’s probably tears gathering in his eyes at this exact moment. “Eleanor misses you like crazy. She’s growing up well, even with you gone. Sometimes I hear her crying. Other times I hear her whispering ‘Daddy’. Once I even saw her on her looking out her window, like I’m doing now, and she was talking to you. She talked to you like you were right in front of her, Thomas,” I tell the dark sky. I close my eyes as I feel tears collect in my eyes. “Thomas I want to hear your voice one more time,” I whisper as I sob into my hands.

“Momma?” I hear a small, dainty voice say. I turn around to see our baby girl in the doorway, holding her favorite blanket in her hand. I quickly wipe away some of my tears.

“Yes, baby?” I reply.

“Were you talking to Daddy?” Eleanor asks. I nod as I feel another droplet leave my eye. She walks over to me and sits in my lap. I wrap my arms around her and look Eleanor in her eyes.

“Yes, I was talking to Daddy,” I tell Eleanor.

“He’s a good listener,” Eleanor says quietly, staring out the window at the darkness of the night. I giggle a little bit.

“Yeah, he always was,” I say, smiling as tears fall from my eyes.

“I miss him, Momma,” I hear Eleanor’s sweet voice say. I rub circles on Eleanor’s back and hold her close to me.

“I know, Love,” I say, without even realizing I just called Eleanor ‘Love’. Thomas used to call me that. I smile. “I miss him too,” I admit to Eleanor.

“Daddy says he misses you more,” she replies. I feel a lump grow in my throat. Thomas used to say ‘I love you more’ after I told him I loved him. I just pull Eleanor closer to me. I kiss the top of her head.

“I love you,” I whisper to Eleanor.

“I love you too, Momma,” Eleanor tells me as we both stare up at the sky.