Aperture

Waiting in Vain

'We were not an item. We never were.'

Chatters could be heard from everywhere inside the Four Seasons Hotel where the press conference of my upcoming drama was held. Bidam backed out of the project so we had to revise a lot of details of the script. I thought it was for the best, because after what happened, I never wanted to do another work with him. Ever again.

'Yejinssi, why did he say that you are together?'

'Well, maybe it was for the publicity stunt, which I never approved of. There is nothing going on between us,' I replied.

'Is there someone else in your life now, Yejinssi?' a reporter from Dispatch asked. I knew him, he was Bin's friend.

I smiled. 'I prefer not to say anything about that.'

'So there is someone, really?'

I smiled. I wanted to say that yes, there is someone. But then I dwelt on the fact that he is not here anymore. To hide the nervousness I felt for telling a lie, I subtly held my necklace where the ring Bin left me was dangling.

Yes, I wore it, but not the way it was supposed to be worn. I need him to do it and ask me, properly.

'Maybe in time, he will come and show up,' I replied. A few more questions about my life was asked, and because I didn't want to entertain all of them, I was able to dodge some of it by referring it back to the drama we are having. The event ended and we still had to do some more interviews for promotions. When we were done, I asked my manager, Ms. Han, to bring me home since I wanted to rest.

I asked the CEO to change my manager after everything that happened. It seems like I couldn't trust him anymore with anything, and I didn't want to work with him anymore. I only wanted to be honest to myself and working with people I trust is something so important to me.

I opened the door to my villa and technically, it was just another day for me. Coming home to an empty place, it allowed me to space myself out from everyone. This is the only time that I allow myself to be truly who I am, away from the cameras, and closer to the realities of life.

Six months had passed since Bin left to where he was. I never knew where, since he never said in his letter where he was going. I believe he was in New York, but then again, he just might be somewhere else. I know he was an honest man, but then he might be wandering once more. Like the first time I saw him.

There were a lot of things that I remember of him. How thoughtful he was of me when he packed my meals when I am on a shoot, how he would just come over to drop them then go to work, how he would send me a message in the middle of the day asking how I was. With all those things, he always left notes and messages.

He would always tell me that he loves me. Even in his last letter, he never forgot to tell me so.

I didn't realize the tears that fell down as I thought of him. I always miss him. Every single day. Sometimes I ask myself, would he really come back? Am I not waiting in vain for him? How far is he that he couldn't even drop me a single message asking me how am I? I get angry at myself at times, because I was thinking that I am holding on too much on the memory of him. My friends told me to go and find another guy to take my mind off him.

But what they didn't know and realize is that I never looked for Bin. He came into my life at a time when I thought everything didn't go the way I wanted it to be. Everything was in turmoil, but then he came crashing into my world and made me feel love for the very first time. A love that doesn't ask for anything in return. It was the purest form of love and I found it in him. Only him. He made me believe that someone like me will be able to experience this kind of love.