Willa Mansi

Life Alone

I tried so hard to remember.

I read all of the books and notes in the lab. I slept little, ate scraps of food and stayed clear of everyone. If I stayed away and busied myself in the lab, no one would bother me. No one would ask if I remembered the past. No one would ask if I remembered how to restart life. But most importantly, I could avoid the hurt look in Becky's eyes.

When I surfaced for food or water, I would catch her stealing hurtful glances at me. I could see the pain in her face. I could feel her willing me to remember her. It was such an intense feeling that I could feel it coming from her. I felt her heart pulling at me.

It was more than I could take.

One night, I went over to the camp fire that Pop sat by and sat with him. "Any luck?" he looked at me and I shook my head.

"Well that's just great!" Bud snapped, "We entrusted our future on a guy that can't remember shit." He shook his head and laughed cynically.

"You cain't remember nothin', Doc?" Tex frowned at me from across the fire.

I slowly shook my head and studied the flames; ashamed to look at any of them.

"It's been two weeks," Becky said in a whisper. Bert took her hand in both of hers and patted it. "Two weeks and NO progress?" she asked, her voice shaking.

Bud looked out into the darkness, "My wife is out there somewhere and you can't remember." He drew a gun and stood up. "You're useless!" he yelled and pulled back on the trigger.

"No!" Bert and Becky screamed.

Pop and I jumped up on our feet and Pop stood in front of me. "Now put the gun down!" he ordered.

"You cain't shoot him," Tex put his arm out in front of Bud and slowly moved around him. "You cain't do this pardner. Ain't no good gonna come of it." He put his hand on Bud's straight arm. "Come on now," he coaxed pushing down on Bud's arm.

"My wife...." Bud's voice shook, but his eyes were locked with mine.

"We ain't never gonna find her if ya kill Doc," Tex shook his head, "Come on now and think."

"I've waited long enough," his eyes filled with tears and turned from me to Tex. "I been waiting ten years for him to wake up and now..." he grimaced painfully, "Now he can't remember."

"I know. I know," Tex nodded and slowly took the gun from Bud's hand. A pitiful sob escaped Bud as Tex dropped the gun in the dirt. Another sob broke and Tex hugged him tight. "Come on now," Tex said, put his arm around Bud's shoulders and walked him across the street to Bud's room.

"Oh my God," Becky blurted out and sobbed. Bert hugged her close, wiping at her own tears.

Pop looked at me, "Are you ok?"

"I guess," I said shakily. "I've got to get out of here," I fell a step back.

"He wouldn't shoot you," Pop said quickly.

"I'm not so sure," I ran my hands through my hair, "That was pretty close."

"Will," Bert started.

I looked at her and shook my head, "Maybe it's better for everyone if I left."

"No!" Pop snarled.

"Now Honey," this time Bert stood up.

"No!" I snapped and everyone grew quiet. I held up my hands in surrender, "I'm done hurting everyone." I turned and ran to my room.

I started gathering what little possessions I had and started putting them into my backpack.  My heart was broken. I hurt people but couldn't remember how. The pain was fresh; real for them. But I felt nothing. I just couldn't remember what they remembered me doing. If I could remember, I could make things right.

"Hi," her voice was behind me and I stopped packing, but refused to turn around. The door shut and I heard the lock.

"What are you doing here?" I starred down at my socks in my hand.

"I was hoping I could change your mind," she sighed and I felt her arms wrap around my middle. I laid back into her embrace and closed my eyes. "Please don't go," she whispered near my ear and kissed it.

"I can't stay here, Becka," I sighed and she turned me around.

"Let me hold you," she tossed my socks away and hugged me close.

"I just...." I said and eased into her arms. I kissed her neck and closed my eyes tight. It seemed familiar but I couldn't remember. I had tried so hard to remember. I wanted to remember everything, but I couldn't. I was never going to remember. My sadness overtook me and I started to cry.

"It's alright," she patted the back of my head and shushed me gently.

"What if I never remember?" I cried into her shoulder.

"That's not gonna happen!" she said urgently and I sobbed more. "Listen to me!" she shook me once and held me out at arms length. She looked into my eyes. I saw her emotions pass across her face. I knew there were so many things she wanted to tell me. After a moment of agonizing quiet, she whispered, "I love you."

"I know," I nodded.

"Do you?" she took my head in her hands.

"I can't remember it," I confessed, starring down at the familiar necklace she wore, "but I know you loved me."

"Love Mister!" she shook her head once and I looked into her eyes. She smiled through her tears, "No past tense. I still love you."

"I wish I could love you back," I winced in pain as my heart broke.

"I know you don't remember, but can't you pretend?" she laughed and kissed me gently.