The Lost Teller

Look at me

(Dakota 17 Abel 1 1/2 and Thomas 8 months)

Its been a full year now since Travis, my therapy sessions have gone back down to once a week alone. I have been doing online school 3 days a week and the guys went inside about a week after the Travis shit and they have about 2 months to go before being released. I refused to go to visitations which I know hurt Jax and made him angry but I just couldn't. We found out Tara was pregnant right before they went inside. She really stepped up helping with Abel and even me when the guys went inside I was extremely grateful. Thomas is a beautiful little boy he was born about 6 month ago now. He will be 8months when the guys get out. I've been staying at the dorm in the club house since they went inside. I wanted to let Tara have room to breath and raise the boys. She insisted I didn't need to stay at the club but I felt it was right. And we all know they second Jax is out he's not gonna let it happen after that anyway. Every time he has access to the phones he tries to call me. I ignore it every time. I don't know if it's out of angry that he got sent away in the first place or sadness that he can't be here and it stuck in that hell. Ashley keeps trying to get to talk about why I won't see him or talk to him. But I can't talk about something I don't really understand. I just can't. "Dakota, Jax is on the phone... he wants to talk to you." Opie not bothering to knock walked right in. "Tell him I'll talk to him when he's not behind barred wire fences" I sighed exhausted that they won't just give up. He was talking on the phone for a minutes before he basically shoved it at my face. "Dakota what the hell." I hear Jax through the speaker. The asshole had Opie put it on speaker so I had to hear him. I went to hit the end button but Opie was faster. I just decided to stay quiet "Kid why the hell wont you talk to me.? What's going on with you. I heard about your target practice on my bike the other day." He sighed into the phone sounding rather frustrated I knew I shouldn't be shocked the guys told him but I was. The other day something just took over me and I grabbed the gun he had hidden in his dresser and unloaded a round into his bike in the middle of the day. Chibs had to pry the gun out of my hands. "I have nothing to say to you." I finally snapped and answered rather harsh and grabbed the phone from Opied hand "just leave me the hell alone." I told him and didn't let him answer before slammed the flip phone shut tossing back at Opie. "You can leave now too." I growled and I could tell he was holding back and left. I laid down and groaned dreading what's to come in 2 months.

-2 months later
  Everyone was excited and getting shit all ready for the guys to arrived home any moment. I had gone home last night in an attempt to not be here when they arrived but Ma wasn't having it. Told me if I didn't get my ass in the car she would have Opie drag me out. So now I'm sulking in the dorm. She said I had to come didn't say I had to be happy. I could hear the bikes from inside the room all pulling in. Instantly filling with guilt and anxiety. I knew damn well it wouldn't be long before Jax came looking for me. I'm hoping my nephews will be a distraction for a-least a little while though. It was a good solid 10 mins before the door handle started to turn. Here goes..

~Jax pov~
It's been 14 damn months, I haven't seen or really heard from Dakota aside from the 2 minute call 2 months ago. I have no clue what's up with her. I don't know if she's just mad that we got sent away or what, but I damn sure plan to find out. As we pulled into the lot i immediately jumped off my bike and kneeled down as Abel ran into my arms. I stood up and hugged Tara and Thomas who was in her arms. "Hey babe. God it's good to be home." I sighed "it's good to have you home, dad." She laughed smiling I put Abel down and walked to my mom "hey mom." I smiled at her hugging her "hey baby. She's in the dorms" she said knowing what I was about to ask. I nodded "I have to go talk to her, I love you." I told Tara she nodded "I love you too baby good luck, your gonna need it." She laughed. I walked into the house side hugging some the guys as I did. Once inside sack was tending the bar "hey, nice patch." I hugged him over the bar. "Thanks, glad to see you back man." He smiled. "Good luck.. I went in to see if she needed any thing and almost got taken out by a flying bottle..." he half heartedly laughed but also serious. I walked back to my old dorm and didn't bother knocking and walked in.
~back to dakota~
  I looked up as Jax walked in, immediately looking back to my hands in my lap. I was sitting in the corner on the chair. "You know as of tomorrow you living in here ends right?" That is the first thing he said as he sat on the bed in front of me. I nodded "I figured as much. Why are you in here you should be with your girlfriend and kids, Jax this can wait." I sighed trying so hard to avoid this conversation. "No it can't wait, it already has waited 14 month as a matter of fact. I've had to wait 14 months to see you. Sorry but this time you can't hang up or avoid seeing me because im no longer behind barred wire fences anymore kid. Now look at me." He was getting aggravated I could tell by the change in his voice. When I didn't say anything or look at him he got off the bed and crouched in front of me. I was shaking, as I went to stand up and honestly to run anywhere but here, he knew what I was about to do and He immediately put his arms on each side of the chair trapping me from trying to run. I just pushed myself farther into the chair still doing everything I can to avoid looking at him. "Dakota I won't ask again. Look at me now." It was no longer a gently ask it was a demand. Every fiber in my being was screaming to find a way to run. I hate confrontation even more so when it's one on one because it means I'm the only focus. I was looking all over trying to find a way out of this but I knew it wasn't gonna happen. So finally I gave up and looked at him, he had cut his hair and looked older more mature I guess. I have no clue how but I managed to say something "fine happy? Can I leave now.?" I snapped. I was trying so hard to hold myself together part of me wanted to scream and hit him for leaving but part of me also wanted to cry and just be held because honestly Jax is the only real like father figure I've ever had. "What the hell is going on. Why are you so angry at me? Going away for the time we did was the best outcome for everything that was going down. It would have been longer." He tries to get me to talk while he was staring at me intensely as if he was trying to read my mind. "I don't know. I just am. So just leave me alone. Go see your kids." I looked away again and tried to end this conversation so I could leave and hide anywhere that's not near him. I tried to push his arm away that was on the left of me so I could get up and leave but as a result he grabbed my wrists instead keeping me from once again going anywhere. "No, this is going to get figured out right now. Stop trying to get away from me. It's not happening." He said trying to get me to look at him again. But like a saving grace he is Abel came running yelling "daddy" into the room making him let me go unwillingly and stand up to pick up his son. "Hey buddy, where's mommy.?" He asked his softly "sorry Jax he ran off the second we came inside. I'll take him." Tara came in looking apologetic I shook my head "it's fine. We were done anyway." I told her as I went to walk by them but Opie was standing at the door blocking my exit. "Opie move" I demanded "No can do kid I was given orders to not let you leave this room until Jax says otherwise." He told me with his arm crossed no plans of moving. Jax scowled as he handed Abel to Tara and grabbed my arm holding me in place as she left and Opie followed. He shut the door and I ripped my arm out of his grasp and sat back down on the bed in front of him. "I don't know isn't an answer. What's bothering you so much?" He asked again. And I don't know what it was but I snapped and I said every last thing that came into my head. "What isn't bothering me?! You got sent away for 14 months! Travis showed up alive a week before that when you told me he would never do shit again! You didn't even tell me you were facing the possibility of jail! Instead you wrote a goddamn letter! Which you also didn't give me, sack did after you were already arrested! The second things started to feel some what normal you go to prison! And Tara was pregnant so it's not like I was gonna throw my issues on to her. You're the only person I trusted and you were taken without any damn warning! It's like the second I start to let myself even slightly believe that things might actually be okay that I might be okay I get hit with more bullshit! It's not fair! You should have never come to the station that day! I would have been better off never meeting any of you!! Or at the very least I wouldn't be standing here feeling more disconnected than ever from everything and everyone around me! And ya it's not your fault the club was in too deep and the only way out was making a deal. But it's your fault for not telling me before it happened! I hate it all. And I hate that I can't hate you for it! I hate myself for not visiting or answering every fucking time you called. But I didn't want to do this, what's happening right now, over a phone or in a stupid guarded room full of people. And since shutting people out is what I do best that's what I did. So please tell me are you fucking happy now.?" I screamed every single word without shedding a single tear unless what happened next, He just stood there for a minute expressionless. "You're right." He said it simple as that and walked out of the room. Leaving me more hurt and confused.. and that's when I completely broke down..