Three Alphas, Three Mates

Is "I'm alive!" Too Cliché?

Hello, everyone!

I hope you guys are doing alright (or great or wonderful or maybe even just okay). It's been a while.

So originally I wanted to come back from this random, indefinite, startling hiatus with a bunch of chapters done for you guys and the story TATM (finally!) finished. I wanted everything to be absolutely perfect for you guys, but the truth is, I just couldn't. I really just couldn't.

The reality of that fact weighed on me significantly—and has weighed on me nearly every day since. Do I still plan on finishing TATM at some point? Yes. Absolutely yes. Do I know when that is? No.

The short version of all of this is that I've always been a perfectionist who blows negative criticism out of proportions and ties my self-esteem to other people's opinions of my work (and me) in an unhealthy way that leaves me afraid to write wrong, speak wrong, or even breathe wrong. So when I couldn't live up to my own impossible expectations for myself and my story, I just gave up. Maybe, to you, it felt like I fell off the face of the Earth for a while. You're not alone in that. That's how it felt to me, too, like I lost myself.

I think a part of me did want to disappear, instead of facing my own flaws and weaknesses.

What made it even worse for me, ironically, was the constant love and support I got from you guys—which I am still to this day grateful for in ways that words cannot do justice to. I had always felt so alone in life, like nobody wanted to listen to me and then suddenly there were so many of you guys reading the musings of my heart. I was terrified.

You guys were always so kind and loving and consistent with me, showing up week after week, and I was just so afraid that you'd see me for who I am—imperfect, incomplete, unsure of things—and not show up one day and I'd just be sitting there alone, again.

So I guess I just disappeared before you guys could.

But now I see that I can't run away from life just because I'm afraid. Maybe what I'm afraid of—and that applies to so many things beyond TATM—might actually happen, but I should still live and keep dreaming and doing what I love. You should still live and keep dreaming and keep doing what you love. I had to figure that out on my own.

And now, I want to participate in life again, however that looks for me.

So in order to do that, I've been working on learning to be okay with myself, perfect or not, complete or not. Just like so many of my stories, I'm currently a work in progress. We all are. And if anyone out there needs a message like this today, I hope in some small part this can help you to feel okay with yourself, even if you wish some things could be different about your life or yourself. Even if it's just for a second, I hope you can feel less alone and a little more understood.

If you have let yourself down or if you feel lost or afraid or unbearably lonely or unhappy with yourself, that is so valid. If there is a burden on you, it's okay to put it down for a little bit, even if other people don't or can't understand, so that you can take care of yourself and pick it up again later when you can breathe a little easier. You are more than anything you do. You are valid just for existing.

And most of all, remember that the dreams and hobbies you have that might scare you right now or make you feel small (because you're afraid of failing) can be enjoyable again, if you release ideas of failing and/or succeeding and instead just meet yourself wherever you are. Enjoy the little things again, like breathing in fresh air or being able to think about all the fandoms you love, and one day, even if it's not today, you might be able to sit in that happiness.

So yeah, like I said, I've worked on cultivating a healthier version of myself these past 2 or 3 years, but that in now way means I have any answers or that I've transformed in some life-altering way. I just acknowledge that I hit rockbottom and I'm ready—so ready :D—to look up now. If you guys wanna chat about anime, random life advice, meditation/yoga, and maybe watch some shows or something on netflix party/teleparty randomly, let me know. Here's some of my contact info (Everything is "shaniceisfalling")

Tiktok: shaniceisfalling (I read poetry and inspirational anime quotes on there, among other things lol)Youtube: shaniceisfalling (AMVs and film analyses, might rant about Barbie or Winx Club soon)Instagram: shaniceisfalling (Don't really use it rn, but will post art in the future and talk about anime and self-help undoubtedly)AO3: shaniceisfalling (I write fanfics! About Zuko/Sokka and Beastars' Legoshi/Louis)

I will finish TATM one day. I'm on my last semester of college, so that should free some time up. I just had to stop for a while to take care of myself, so thank you for all your patience. You guys are wonderful. And thank you to everyone who's read this far, or didn't. Just thank you to everyone.

I'd love to know how all of you are doing, if you'd like to share. I wish the absolute best for all of you and peace with who you are.