This Summer (DMBB Spin-off)

Bonus Chapter: Cameron's POV

There's an epilogue after this chapter so keep going! This bonus chapter takes place after chapter 13 when Cameron and Shayley kissed for the first time. It's mainly a train of his depressive thoughts, so mind you this might be triggering. So that's just a warning. With that said, happy reading!

***
"But how am I supposed to love you when I don't love who I am?
And how could I give you all of me when I'm only half a man?"

Song: Half A Man ~ Dean Lewis
***

I paced around in my apartment after I returned from walking Shayley home.

Why would you kiss her?

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

I'll admit though, it felt good. Shayley...she was special. She and I, we were alike in a way. We understood each other in ways that no one did. Our struggles were similar.

At least that's what I made it seem like.

Shayley, she put me on a pedestal I didn't deserve to be on. She saw me as better because she thought that I was in control of my addiction.

That was a lie.

The story about the bottles of alcohol on my shelf because they reminded me that I could do better was absolutely bullshit. I don't even think she believed me, but at least she didn't ask any more questions.

I was drowning. And I knew for a fact that I wasn't going to swim back up. It was only a matter of time till I gave up trying to breathe, and I knew that day was coming.

I was tired.

Tired of trying, tired of waking up everyday thinking that things would be different. That I would feel different. But when you've given up hope to the point where there's none left to give, you begin to see things the way they really are.

How they were meant to be.

I'm the biggest hypocrite, and I know that. I tell Shayley to keep her head up and keep going, while I'm lagging behind myself. She was a torch in my life now. A single spark that had ignited and showed me that there really was a way out of one's suffering.

A light.

I could see that in her. I myself may be too far gone, but I could tell that she wasn't. With all the people that she had rooting for her, she couldn't be. Soon she'd see herself as we all saw her...capable of redemption.

I looked at the shelf of bottles and walked over, running my fingers over the glass. This was my life, and I had accepted it. Just one bottle.

Just one bottle.

Just one bottle, I tell myself. It might be just a bottle, but trust me when I say that it is deep enough to drown you.

I picked up the bottle and popped it open, taking the first swig. It burned my throat, but it also numbed my pain. I've never cut myself or hurt myself physically in any way, but that didn't mean I didn't feel pain. You see physical pain, that goes away with time. But mental pain, and emotional pain, that shit stays with you forever. When you had a storm stirring every second of every day in your heart it was hard not to feel that pain. And the alcohol, well it provided me with something to quiet that storm.

Until the next day, bottles after, and a hangover gotten through, when the storm started again. It was a never-ending vicious cycle.

I drowned the liquid in big gulps and emptied the bottle, before taking another bottle off the shelf.

I walked over to my bed and sat down. Putting the bottle on my bedside table, I pulled a sheet of paper out from under my pillow. So far, the only word I had on it was 'Shayley'. I don't know why I thought this was the best way to let her know that I was struggling. Maybe it was because there was no way I could look her in the eyes and admit to her that I was a failure.

I thought about the kiss again and sighed in frustration. Yes it felt good, but I also couldn't help but feel terrible about doing that. I liked her, yes, but how deeply did that run?

The only girl I'd ever loved was Riley. Riley, my best friend. Riley, who was dead.

But then Shayley. From the first conversation I had with her at the counter I knew there was something about her. Maybe it's because I saw her carry the same fake smile I was so used to carrying myself, or maybe it was the sadness in her eyes that gave her away.

Maybe I could be drunk with her instead of alcohol. I could kiss her and feel just as intoxicated.

But I also couldn't.

I couldn't use her to forget my problems. She didn't deserve that. I could tell she had some kind of feelings for me, but in all honesty I think we were both just messed up and confused. When you feel like it's you against the world you tend to find comfort in the things that don't present themselves to be your adversary, especially if they've faced similar situations.

I was that for her, and she was that for me. We were each other's safe situations. Because let's face it, anyone else who didn't understand what people like us went through would most likely walk away when things got tough.

We both knew we'd be there for each other. And if we implode, then hey, we'd implode together. With the two of us, catastrophe was imminent and inevitable.

That's what I wanted to avoid.

I couldn't drag her into what would be a disaster. Why pull her into the hurricane I was spinning in when she already had the ground quaking beneath her feet?

Plus, I could tell that her friend, Jacob, liked her. She liked him too. She only liked the idea of me however, and the safety that I gave her. With him she'd have to face her demons, with me, she could exist with them. That's what she needed to realize. It was a clear distinction, but the heart blurred lines that the eyes were meant to see.

I tossed the paper back under my pillow and took a sip from the bottle beside me. I thought of my uncle too. He basically raised me since I was a kid. Both parents, addicts like me. One dead from driving drunk, the other from a heroine overdose. Guess it was in my blood. His sons were like brothers to me, but they were older and had moved away to start their own lives. They got me into rehab, but that didn't amount to anything, clearly.

I wish I could say that putting an end to all of this was so that nobody would have to deal with me and my mess, but honestly it came from a selfish place. I wanted the peace. I didn't want to have to deal with the chaos anymore. I wanted to be free from all the shackles that held me down along with the weight of everything shitty that I thought about myself.

I got up and walked to my bathroom. I pulled off my shirt and stared at myself in the mirror. I didn't just see my reflection, I saw pain, fear, hurt, and weariness.

And you know what they say, objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.

My eyes drifted to my chest, where the inscription was tattooed on the left side of it.

The sun will rise, and we will try again.

Maybe I should tell Shayley that. She just needed a little bit of hope to see that she'd be okay. As long as a new day came, there was a chance.

Too bad I didn't believe that anymore.

A/N

Well there you have it, inside Cameron's head. Keep reading though, there's a VERY interesting epilogue in the next chapter! ;)

- amani