Love him, Definitely... [Under Revision]

Chapter 21

Birthday Blues

"I need to tell you something...I-"

"Uy Happy Birthday mo nga pala! Muntik ko ng makalimutan."
He interrupted me sabay hampas sa braso ko.

My mouth gaped open, okay...
at least nag greet siya?

"Uy sorry wala akong gift, bawi nalang ako next year."

Napakurap naman ako, saka ko napansin ang gift bag na dala nito. Halatang pa valentines gift niya sa uri ng desenyo ng gift bag. Kunwari hindi ko alam kung para kanino talaga yun. Kinalimutan ko na rin ang inggit na wala naman akong karapatan na maramdaman!

But I was not fast enough to stop the reaction to the emotion that I felt.

I harshly scoffed, "Ano ba! hindi yun tungkol dun..."
Hindi ko na iwasan na biglang ma frustrate, nag taas pa ako ng boses.

"Ijiel..." He muttered, the look of shock was evident on his face.

Of course! sino bang hindi
masho-shock, hindi ko namalayan. Bigla ba namang umagos ang mga piste kong luha!
Dali-dali ko itong pinalis at umiwas ng tingin sakanya para makahinga.

"Put*ngina! Wala pa akong sinabi o!" I sniffed while I quite stomped my feet.

Oh dear God!! In the name of all those preparations just for me to cry like a f*cling child in front of him?! No! Hinarap ko ito kahit na parang baliw ako na umiiyak ng walang dahilan.

"I'm sorry... I'm so, so, sorry Font."
Iyan naman dapat ang mga unang kataga na dapat niyang marinig.

Unti-unti kong inabot ang love letter sa aking bulsa. Not breaking into our eye contact. "Only if I can just erase this f*cking feeling I would." I said sobbing.

It feels so suffocating to tell the words in front of him. Wala akong choice but to give the letter that contains all the words and courage that I couldn't give him now.

It's just so heartbreaking...
Honestly, I've already made up my mind about something...Making, not just this decision of confessing but at the same time, letting go.

Sa sobrang panghihina ay hindi ko mahanap ang sulat sa aking bulsa. Mabilis ko itong binalingan ng tingin samantalang nanginginig ang aking mga kamay ng sa wakas ay nahagilap ko iyon at mahawakan.

Sure that the idea of loving him was a true bliss. And I could be so all out for it. Offering all of my love just for him, even without any exchanges that's what I guarantee. But it was never not painful to love someone, that will never love you back to the amount of what you are giving...

But what hurts the most in the process of it all? It is the fact... The fact that you are willing to lose your sense of self just so you can love someone until other important things will no longer make sense...

"But this has to end now." I said, finally reaching out to him.

He just stood there, I couldn't process the emotion in his eyes.
But I've never been so eager all my life, I want to end this suffocating feeling. Even if I had to lose him now, it's fine. I had to tell him, He must know, parang nawalan ng tinik ang aking dibdib.

"Hindi ko kailangan ng sagot Font, pero kunsiderasyon 'oo'.

Kahit wag ka ng magpasalamat okay lang. Maintindihan mo lang sana ako..."

But yes, I pleaded for that, I pleaded for him to understand me. Kasi kung hindi kagaya ng pagmamahal ko sakanya ang maipapadama niya okay lang. Kahit pag-unawa niya nalang, iyon ang mas importante saakin ngayon.