The things we lost in the rain

Abit of clarity

Chapter 5: Although I smile and seem carefree, there is no one who misses you more than me.

11 MONTHS AGO

" How many homes are we viewing?"
We were driving to Summerstrand, to view a house. We got engaged yesterday and today we are house hunting. Yes but who cares?.
Michael" Four"
" Two here in Summerstrand, then Blue Horizon Bay and Theescombe"
Me" Which one do you like?"
Michael" Doesn't matter, this is our decision"
Me" Michael White, which house is your favorite?"
Michael" I've only seen two, but beautiful but I don't think you will like them"
He stopped the car, the estate agent was waiting for us. She showed us the house, 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, it Jacuzzi and an indoor pool.
Me" We can't raise kids here"
Michael" We can buy it and turn it into an airbnb or a res for students"
Me" No"
Michael" I knew you wouldn't like it"
We went to the second house, this one was slightly smaller and I loved it.
Agent" It's a lovely neighborhood, close to the university and the bus stop"
Me" How many student accommodations are in this neighborhood?"
Agent" I think five, I'm not quite sure"
Micheal" We will meet you Theescombe"
She giggled, we walked to the car while she locked.
" We can make this place a student accommodation, it will pay for itself, think about it, and I'll put in the offer if you want"
Me" Okay"
He spoke as if I made a contribution, we stopped for water then carried on driving to the next house.
Me" Are we going the right way?"
Michael" Yes"
" It's mostly farms"
The minute he pulled into the yard, I knew this is my home. I fell in love with how green it was, I loved everything about it. The swing set, the pond, the big swimming pool. The more we walked around the house I kept on falling in love with everything about it. I didn't want to change a single thing about it.
" Whose that?"
Michael said and I looked towards his direction.
Me" Maybe she is a ghost that come with the house"
We both giggled, the Agent got off the phone and Michael asked her about the lady that was cleaning outside.
" She works here, or worked, since the owners are moving to Australia"
The Agent said, Michael and I exchanged looks then he nodded.
Michael" I want to ask her a few questions"
We didn't wait for the agent to answer, we just walked to the lady. Gladys, that is her name.
Me" Molo Mama, ndingu Balisa, this is my fiance Michael and we want to buy this house. Xa ithengisiwe, wena uzophangela phi?"
Gladys" Hay nam andiyazi, but I will look for work"
Michael" Well we don't really need a domestic but we will hire you. Just to help us with unpacking our things, Billy and I do our own laundy and cleaning up. You will just dust around the house, is that fine?"
" Is the cottage yours?"
Gladys" No bhuti, I go home at 5, madam takes me to taxi"
Me" Okay, that is fine, we can do that"
"Upeya ngemini? Or monthly? Nothing will change kodwa, we will pay you the required rate"
Michael" Wait, so this is our house?"
Agent" Hahaha you know you haven't even viewd it. I need to tell you the basics, it's 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms and it has a cottage. It's 39.45 acres and 10, 979 square foot interior. "
"This property has stables, but the previous owners turned that into a wedding venue, there's a totally different entrance for that. You can carry on hiring it out should you want"
Me" What's the asking price?"
Michael" If I tell you will you change your mind about us getting this place?"
Me" Unlikely, just tell me"
Michael" You tell her"
The Agent laughed then cleared her throat.
Agent" The asking price is 25 Million rands, they are willing to negotiate but they not accepting anything less than 23 Million"
Me" Sorry I asked"
Michael" It's time to open that champagne. We are taking the house"
" We putting up the 23.5 as an offer, 24 is the highest we are willing to go"
He kissed my forehead then went to speak to the estate agent they were calling his broker. I went inside the house to Gladys.
Me" Mama, we forgot to ask, uyafuna wena phofu usiphangelela?"
Gladys" Ewe mntanam, kanti umyeni wakho bese buzile naye"
We both laughed, she poured some juice for us.
" Ithule ke lendawo, kodwa iright for ukhulisa abantwana"
Me" We don't have any children, it's just the two of us. He asked me to marry him izolo"
I showed her my ring, it was just a plain band with an infinity symbol in diamonds. We chatted some more before Michael came into the house.
Michael" Let's go to lunch ladies, we had a long day"
Me" Masambe Mama, take your things we will wait for you in the car"
Gladys" Oh hay noko sana lwam, hambani nina. Nosuka ndixelele ba mandize nini"
I took out 300rand and gave it to her, Michael offered her a lift and she declined. We eventually gave up and left.
Me" How about we just go home and I cook for us, and we watch some t.v."
Michael" What's wrong?"
Me" I feel like a gold digger"
Michael" That's crazy"
"I have the means to do these things and I love doing them for you. Money is there but it was never the determining or decisive factor in our relationship. A house is an investment, that house will pay for itself, we will continue with the services that were previously available and add catering. We are buying a student accommodation, the money we spend now will come back ten times more"
Me" You spend"
Michael" We, you will be wife"
" Okay, what really happened, I know you"
We arrived at place and I got off the car first, I went straight to the kitchen. I looked for the ingredients. I heard his footsteps then he held me from the back.
" Talk to me"
He said and I started crying.
Me" I feel like we are too happy, too soon, we skipped so many steps and I am scared that we will end as fast as we started"
"I am just overwhelmed, I am exhausted"
Michael" Then we will end. We can't be scared of the unknown. You love me and I love you"
Me" I do love you. A lot"
" I was just worried about you spending that much on a house and you still have to pay lobola"
Michael" Crap! I forgot about that"
We both giggled
" Okay, I'm selling my car to pay for your lobala. We will use your car in the meantime"
Me" You hate my car"
Michael" Yes I do, but I love you"
" Is that fine?"
Me" Yes"
Michael" Since you said you are due for an upgrade, can I make a suggestion?"
Me" Go right ahead"
Michael" Get a Polo"
Me" That I can do".
" Lets get married next month"
Michael" Are you sure?"
Me" Yes, we have spent so much money, so we don't have to spend a single cent for the wedding. Let's get married where we met, just the two of us and whoever wants to come. Then I can finally be the black Mrs White"
Michael" And we can make babies"
Me" Lots of babies"
Michael" Giselle"
Me" And Onxy"
Michael" Harlow! Don't forget Harlow"
Me" Yes! We will name our first child Harlow"
Michael" And if it's a boy?"
Me" Harry. It's Harlow/Harry, Onxy and Giselle"
Michael" No babysitters"
Me" Yes! We raise our own children"
" Parents are not allowed to interfere"
Michael" Do you think yours will ever come around?"
Me" I don't know but they will take the lobola money no doubt about that"
" They kicked me, there's no coming back from that"
Michael" Forgive them when the time comes"
Me" No, I won't. I can't forgive someone who didn't apologize. I will then have to shrink my feelings just to accommodate them and I can't, they hurt me. And I can't get over that until they apologize"
Michael" Part of growing up is learning to accept that you'll never receive some apologies"
Me" And the most important thing about healing, is cutting off everyone that is bad for your energy"
" I will never forgive someone who doesn't ask me forgiveness. I am hurt and I need them to take responsibility for the hurt they cause"
Michael" Let's go to Angelos and have pasta there. You are way too angry to cook for us"
Me" Hahaha okay"
Michael" We hired a helper today"
Me" And started a business"
Michael" Hahaha I'll buy you a bottle of vodka so you can process everything"
Me" Thank you babe"

*

PRESENT DAY! NOW!!!! TODAY!!!!!!

"I miss our picnics, we haven't been outside together since Harlow got here"
I said to Michael, we were cuddling and listening to sad song about love.
Michael" We can have one tomorrow, just the two of us, how does that sound?"
Me" Harlow?"
Michael" We will put her to sleep, then focus on us"
Me" I can finally read The Return"
Michael" Yes, and you can finally wear that dramatic floppy straw hat of yours"
Me" Yes! I can watch you ride a horse too"
" I am looking forward to this"
Michael" Your phone is ringing"
I grabbed it then looked at the caller id. It's my mother again.
Me" Hello"
Mama" Balisa, ndim uNamhla"
Me" What do you want?"
Namhla" My daughter is sick and I just need money to buy her some medication"
Me" I just gave Mama money njena, I don't have money nam, pay day is still far"
" I don't know where you think I get money xa wena ungenayo"
Namhla" You can ask your husband"
Me" I'll pretend like you didn't just say that"
" Michael hired you Namhla and you stole from him, he didn't call amapolisa because you are my sister but you had a job and you fucked it up all on your own. I can't keep on rescuing you"
Namhla" Yeka"
Me" No, I will transfer you money. But this is the last time"
I ended the call then sent her an ewallet.
Michael" You did the right thing"
Me" I am tired of them"
There was a knock on the door, I walked towards it to open up. Gladys was standing there.

Me" I thought awuzi today"
Gladys" Balisa ulibele ubhatala uJackson and Musa"
Me" I thought Michael will do it since he takes care of those things. Okay I'll do it now for everyone"
" Gladys, ndicela ubuza"
She nodded
Me" Am I losing my mind? I don't feel like my usual self. I keep losing track of time, I don't know what day it is, I don't know anything"
" Andizazi, so tell me, nditheni?"
Gladys" Oh sana lwam. Nditshilo, I told them awukho right"
" Uzityile pills zakho namhlanje?"
Me" I don't know"
Gladys" Yima, ndikuphekele, utye then uthathe eza pills zakho"
Me" Okay"
She left me to go cook and I went inside my room. I locked the door then took my pills and went inside the blankets.
" I died"
I closed my eyes again, and I could hear the rain pouring down. Michael trying to convince me to stay in the hospital one more day and wait out the rain. We argued until he finally caved in.
"Billy!!"
I opened my eyes and looked at him.
Me" Am I imagining this?"
" Did I die?"
Michael" Look at me"
I looked at him, he sat on the bed then touched my face.
"Can you feel that, that's me, you can feel me, you can see me. You are not dead. We are both alive"
Me" No! Something is wrong!!"
I pushed him away, then covered my ears so I couldn't hear him speak.
" I killed Harlow!!!"
I closed my eyes again, Michael was trying to take off my seatbelt. He was covered in blood. It was raining so hard, I could smell the trees and the burnt tires.
Me" I don't want to feel like this!"
I got out of bed and ran to the bathroom, I grabbed the razor blade, I made a small cut on my hand.
Michael" See? You are bleeding, you are alive! Billy looked at me"
Me" No! I am not okay!"
"Michael... I...c..an't....no"
I have never been suicidal, but I just need to stop my thoughts. I needed a break from the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the guilt.
Me" I...am..so..rry"