The things we lost in the rain

The day it happened

Chapter 14: tears fall because the heart can no longer handle the pain. 

3 WEEKS AGO

*sigh*

"This is not a false alarm, unless I just wet the bed then I'll need you to forgive me and blame the babies"
I pulled the covers and I showed him the blood. I didn't expect to see so much blood because I felt fine, I wasn't in that much pain but just a lot of discomfort.
"I'm calling the ambulance"
He said, it was hard to miss the panic on his face. I wondered is this what all women go? Assure the husband that it will all be fine?.

"I think you'll have to drive us"
I said wincing, I was suddenly in pain. The minute I moved my legs.
"I am about to scream, you are not allowed to freak out"
He nodded and I screamed, suddenly I was in tears.
"I think something is wrong"
He carried me down the stairs, I was crying. Gladys followed after us with my bags.
Gladys" I am coming with"
It wasn't a question, I don't think we  wanted to argue with her. We both got in and she rubbed my stomach while I was crying.
"Sukhala Balisa"

I wondered what it's like to have a mother that actually loves you. Listening to this woman pray for me and my children made me wish my own mother was here.
"Mama"
I said to Gladys because in a way, she has been my mother. At least everything a mother is in television and every book I have ever read.
"Just keep breathing, everyone will be fine"
She said, continuing rubbing my stomach. We arrived at the hospital and they rushed me in.

*
Yesterday was a nightmare, turned out Harlow was really ready to come out but so was her brother. They had to take out Harlow then leave Harry/Micheal inside. I am a mother! To a beautiful baby girl who snatched my heart the minute I held her.
"She looks so ugly"
Michael said and we both giggled, she is beautiful. He is just being mean, she looks like a frozen chicken with these really beautiful brown eyes.
"I want to hold her"
He said and I pulled her close to me, then arched my brows and he chuckled.
"Hey, we need to take turns. You spent nine months with her"
I giggled then handed her over to him, I was jealous of how she immediately touched his face and let out a sniffle. Yes it was probably nothing but to me it felt like it was everything. She is definitely his, I know, he will spoil her rotten and I will be jealous because I will have to compete with Michael and he is definitely the cool parent.
"Your time is up"
I said and we both roared with laughter, I think that shocked her because she started crying.

"Protect us Lord, we have a drama queen in the building"
He said handing her to me, I fed her and cradled her. I think I was getting the hang of this motherhood thing. She cries and I give her milk, seriously though is this all I'm worth? Breast and calming down someone who cries for absolutely no reason.
" I have to go. I will come back with everyone later. They've been  calling none stop"
He said and I nodded, I wanted to ask if my family knew that I gave birth but they probably did because knowing Michael he told them. Them not being here right now, is just a sign of what I have always known. It hurts though.
"I sent Elena a photo of Harlow, she didn't reply"
I wish I could fix that for him.
" Give it some time, she might reply"
I said, he came towards us, he kissed her forehead then my lips.
" Later"
Me" I love you"
Michael" I love you too"

*

I am not a difficult person at all, I am quite easy going if I may say so myself. However, I have been stuck in hospital for an entire week and I was ready to go home. Observation was just kidnapping at this point. My Obgyn is definitely avoiding me and the nurses smile so much with next to little information.
"We have to monitor your blood pressure"
It's probably high because I am stuck here. Harlow and I needed to be home, plus I'll be back here two months from now to push another baby. Surely they will drain our medical aid then.
"Please use your white privilege to get us out of here"
I said to Michael and he laughed. It would probably make things easier and quicker.
Michael" It's raining, I don't think they would discharge you and a new born when the weather is this bad"
I stared at him, he cleared his throat.
"But I'll speak to your doctor"
He said and I smiled, I missed my home.
"Thank you husband"

*

Hear me when I say this; White privilege is a thing!. Harlow and I were discharged from the hospital.
" It's raining like crazy out there"
Wayne said taking Harlow from me, he was in town just to see Harlow.
" We can wait it out but I miss my bed"
I said, I reached for Michael's hand then smiled.
" I love you so much"
We kissed, I thought I should tell him because he went out of his way to make this possible for us. Even though he didn't think it was a good idea.
"Are we ready?"
Wayne asked, Mikey got the porter to push me which was so unnecessary.
Michael" I love you too, stop rolling your eyes at me"
I giggled. Wayne went to bring the car around, they got Harlow in first then me. She was fast asleep.
"She is so quiet, bless her heart"
I said and Michael laughed, we all got in the car.

The car ride was so much funny, Harlow woke up a few times and screamed. She fell asleep again, we were taking longer because of the rain. Wayne and Michael decided to stop, Micheal wanted to drive because we were not far from the house and he can avoid the potholes better than Wayne because he is used to the road.
"Hurry up"
I said, he giggled and blew me a kiss.
Me" You are annoying"
Wayne" Enough with the mushy stuff"
Michael" He is just jealous"
Wayne" And that's my cue"
Michael" Let me switch on the lights, it's quite foggy"
Wayne got out of the car, for a good second it was quiet then it wasn't.

*
I could smell it all, I opened my eye and closed them again. There was this ringing sound in my ears, a lot of people around us. I closed my eyes again, I wanted to scream but I couldn't. I couldn't move.

"ONE IS ALIVE!!!!!!"
*
*
*

PRESENT DAY!!!

"Balisa"
I looked at my mother in law and cried. I just felt so empty, and I don't know how to get out of this darkness.
"The baby is awake"
My son was born the same day his father and sister died. My son doesn't have a father because I couldn't stay in hospital, Wayne's children don't have a father because he died and it's all my fault. I am alive but I don't feel like I should be. Maybe that's why I have been seeing Michael everywhere, the guilt, I just couldn't let myself admit that I killed my husband.
" I can't, not today"
I said then pulled the covers.
Elsa" It's been months Balisa and that boy needs his mother!"
Me" Get out"
"Please get out"
Elsa" No!!!"
"No! You don't get to feel sorry for yourself!"
Me" My husband died!!!! Harlow died! Wayne died! I survived! You don't get to tell me when to stop hating myself! Not when you don't know my pain!!!"
"Get out!!!!!!!"
Elsa" You need to stop because they want to send you back to that hell hole! They think you are far gone"
"I don't think Michael would be okay with seeing you like this"
I looked at her.
Me" I killed them. They can take me back, I don't care"

*

"Please appear"
"I am begging you, please appear"
I looked around the room and he wasn't there.
"I need to see you"
"I can't do this without you"
" Michael!!!!!! Please"
I closed eyes and opened them slowly.
"Hey Billy"
I jumped up and ran to him. He chuckled.
Me" Don't leave! Don't go anywhere again"
I gave him a hug.
" I want you to be real so bad, why can't you and Harlow be real?"
" I a....m so...rrry"
Michael" He needs a mother"
" You can do it Billy, I know you can"
I touched his face, it felt real. This felt real.
Me" Not without you"
Michael" You will learn, each day will be hard but then some days will get better. You'll laugh again, you'll be happy and I want that for you. Harlow and I will ALWAYS be with you and Micheal Ross"
I pulled away from him then stared at him for a while.
" I am begging you to not leave me"
"Stay"
His was suddenly covered by blood, his clothes were torn. He turned blue.
"I love you Billy"