The things we lost in the rain

Fresh Starts.

Chapter 15

PRESENT DAY!!!

4 YEARS LATER

"MOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!"
I am sure there's more to life than being my son's personal assistant. Surely.
Me" We are almost there"
It took more some time, I also didn't think I could smile again. Time. I guess that's all I needed.
"What if I don't like the new house?"
I giggled, he has a big personality. Definitely nothing like me.
Me" Your father built the house for us, you'll love it"
I think pain can take away so much away from a person. I never understood that until I went through the worst thing ever. I lost the people I love in one day and I was never okay again. The last four years were not my best moments.

The first year; I spent half of it in a psychiatric hospital and the other half high on pills that helped me fall asleep at night.

The second; I moved in with Gladys and her family, she took care of me and helped me. Being around her healed parts of myself that I never knew still needed healing, I still spoke to Michael and Harlow, some days I was sure they answered. I didn't share that with anyone though. I finally tried being a mother and my son looked like me which I found so funny because Michael was always sure that Ross would look like him. All he took from Micheal was the skin tone and the eyes, but he was all me. He had his personality. I however struggled with getting the hang of his birthday because it's the same day Harlow and Michael died. I think I went back into my little hole, Gladys guided me out. Each day I learned to let go of the pain, and some days were good and some were just shitty.

Third year; Well, I finally left Gladys and her family alone. I thought I could move to back to the farm but I couldn't get myself to go back there. The place was just filled with so many memories and I wasn't ready. So we moved in with Michael's parents, that was good for a few months before I got us our own place. I spoke about Michael to Ross, I would play him voice notes of Mikey planning our future and asking me to tell them children that he loves them. The more I spoke about him, the pain was suddenly not that bad.

Fourth Year; Well Elena turned 25 and it turned out Michael put some clause in her trust fund that she must be cut off at that age. Now I didn't know that, I never actually knew anything about Michael's money. So imagine the shock I got when Elena was taking me to court because I was "stealing her money". She never wanted anything to do with Michael yet she wanted his money. That week was the first time I actually learned how much money Michael had, the coffee shop and events place in our yard was just small change. I honestly thought that was where we got most of the money, because he said those businesses were paying for the house. Well, he had 5 student accommodations in Johannesburg and 3 in Cape Town, 1 in Port Elizabeth. He had a boat hiring service. Then our Jeffrey's bay, the farm house, and the bedfordview home. Two businesses and an investment portfolio that gave me a headache just listening to them explaining it. Michael was wealthy.

Obviously she lost because that was done way before he married me and it never changed. The only thing he changed was not leaving her anything in his will, that part I knew about and it was a hard decision for him. But she didn't want him in her life, so it also didn't make sense for him to shower her with money. She and I came to an agreement, she can take care of the student accommodation in Port Elizabeth, the returns are hers and if she does that well. Then I'll eventually give her more. However Gladys, Musa and Jackson now earned the money generated from the farm house. No one lives there though, I'm sure Gladys goes in and cleans it. However I haven't been there since my failed suicide attempt. I wasn't ready.

*****

"We can take a walk"
I said to Ross, and he looked at me and smiled.
Ross" Can we also get an ice cream?"
Me" Yes we can"
We have been in Bedfordview for a week now and it's everything I thought it would be. A gated community with neighbors that just stared and judge you from a distance. However Ross and I didn't care, he wasn't one for making friends and I didn't have any friends. We called Gladys everyday since being here, Micheal's parents too. It has been good, we are happy here.

"We need to find you a school"
I said to him and he chuckled, probably because I always say that to him and never get around it. We was in Vulisango preschool when we lived with Gladys. Yes, she did that and because of Gladys he speaks both IsiXhosa and English equally well.
Ross" No rush"
Me" Hahaha hey, I'm the parent here"
Ross" Okay Mommy"
I smiled at him, then tossed his jacket and he caught it.
Me" Let's go for a drive"
"There's a Roccomamas here"
Ross" Ice cream Mom"
Me" It has ice cream baby"
Ross" Good"
Me" Any other demands?"
Ross" Please call Khulu for me"
See Ross doesn't know my actual family, he knows Gladys and her family. My actual family never bothered to reach out to us, and I was okay with that. My uncle was the only tie I had to my biological family.
" We will but later"

Being in this house without Michael was strange. Every part of it is exactly proof of his love for me, he incorporated every idea I had and brought it all to life. Not sharing this with him was just strange.
" Can we call Khulu today?"
Ross said, he has a habit of not knocking. I'm sure he learned that from Gladys.
" Yes, then we go find you a school"
We both chuckled, he got on top of the bed then handed me my phone.

"Khulu"
He said as soon as Gladys answered
" When are you visiting?"
I thought as much, this is the first time it's just the two of us. I'm sure it's a huge adjustment for him.
Gladys" When you go to school"
He chuckled then hid his face, as if she can see him.
Ross" Mommy take me to school"
Me" Hahaha we still have to look for one"
Gladys" Roro, did you see my gift?"
" Go look in your bag, don't show it to your mommy"
He got off the bed so fast I thought he was going to fall.

"Balisa, is everything fine apho? Are you taking your medication?"
I giggled
Me" Ewe Mama, everything has been good. There's a lot of dust but I called an agency to find me someone"
Gladys" Have you went to visit Wayne's wife?"
Me" Not yet"
"I know you don't think it's a good idea but I need to do it"
Gladys" You need to let go"
" Forgive yourself and find some happiness again"
Me" oh no! I don't want to date"
Gladys" Then make some friends, you are still young. You need some happiness again, and you need to stop wearing black clothes. You've grieved long enough"
Me" I am not ready"
" I don't think I can stop, I am begging you don't make me forget about Michael"
Gladys" You'll never forget him. However, you don't have to punish yourself. That's not living and I told you when I kicked you out that your son needs a mother. You need to live, if not for yourself then for you because that little boy will always carry the burden of being born the day his father and sister died. Surely you want to make his life a little easier"
" Be the mother you wish you had. And live your live, we both know he would hate seeing you like this"
Me" Okay"
I wiped my tears.
Gladys" You've cried for too long. Now it's time to live. "

I never really figured out how to live without the love of my life, I tried but I failed. He was mine and suddenly he wasn't, I sometimes wait for him to wake me up and tell me this was all a dream. But he won't and I have to live with myself and the things we lost in the rain.