Fragile

Fragile XVII

He didn't show up again.

Castiel sighed, running a hand down his face as he stared at the mountain of tax sheets in front of him. He knew that he should be focusing on work, that his boss wouldn't appreciate him turning in his papers late once again - however, he found it difficult to care. Not when the words of his brother's sponsor kept repeating over and over again in his head like a broken record.

He didn't show up again.

Castiel knew what those words meant and he shouldn't have been surprised when the Balthazar called to tell him that his baby brother had yet again failed to appear at his AA meeting. Gabriel had already skipped the last two meetings. Why would he have gone to this one? And the more Castiel thought about it, the more he realized that he wasn't really shocked at the news but rather, disappointed.

Like he always was.

It's not his fault, he tried to remind himself, absently doing the math on the papers he had in front of him. Not everyone deals with grief the same way. This is his way of healing. However the difference was their father wasn't dead. He had just abandoned them.

And his brother never got over it.

It was as if he blamed himself, something that Castiel could and would never understand. They were just children. They had done nothing wrong. It was their father who had been the one to give up. Their father had been the one who chose the shiney new family over his old one. It was his choice to leave.

But Gabriel never saw it that way.

There has to be reason, his brother would insist, Dad would never just leave us like that. But there wasn't one and their father did leave.

And Castiel was the only one who could accept that.

It made him angry just thinking about it, because this was a never ending cycle between the two of them. Gabriel would fall apart, Castiel would try and mend the pieces together, and just as he thought it'd all be over... the process would happen all over again. It was like no matter how hard he tried to forget about the man who left them, his brother was always right there to remind them of what they had lost.

And it was slowly killing him, Castiel thought in anguish, his eyes flickering towards the clock on his desk. His brother was going to relapse - going to fall into that dark pit of despair again, and instead of being there for him, Castiel was sitting here at his desk pretending to work.

Pretending to be okay.

"This is ridiculous," he muttered under his breath, at last pushing away from his desk. He ignored the curious looks he got from his coworkers as he tugged on his beige trench coat. He could only imagine what they were thinking. They probably thought he was crazy. That how could he abandon his work when the end of the quarter was just a week away? However, he couldn't find it in himself to care. He knew they'd tell his boss, Anna, that he left work early again, but he was okay with that.

His baby brother needed him more.

With that in mind, he rushed out the door and went to the only place he could think his brother would go to. A bar.

McClarins to be exact.

Castiel never understood what his brother saw in this place. It was old, raggedy. The neon sign only had five letters working and the C-rating from the health inspector hung proudly from the front window like a badge of honor. He cringed in disgust as he grabbed ahold of the handle with his jacket sleeve and pulled, feeling his skin crawl at the action. He was already having second thoughts when it suddenly dawned on him that maybe that's why his baby brother chose this lovely place.