Senseless

Chapter Six

  I walked back through the station in stunned silence. I felt like I had been simultaneously punched in the stomach and had my heart ripped out of my chest. I felt eyes on me as I walked past the desks. I felt the shame creep over me, wishing I could disappear. I imagined they all felt the same way, that as soon as I walked out the chatter would mimic everything Chief Steele had said. 

  My thoughts a jumbled mess, no longer forming anything of substance, I walked out into the sunshine in a daze. I had glanced at Jenny on the way out, waiting to see the pity in her eyes, instead, she wouldn't even look at me. Walking to my car I felt more alone than ever. 

  I hated that Chief Steele was right, that he had used my own past against me. I was a fool for never seeing it coming. I felt small, worthless, insignificant. Not only had I failed myself but I had failed Emily. I didn't regret having Emily, but I couldn't help but feel like she would have been better off if I hadn't been selfish. If I had put her up for adoption she would likely still be alive. 

  I reached the car, seeing the package as I climbed inside. Seeing it turned my stomach, more shame creeping in. I had been so preoccupied with the near accident I had forgotten to take it in with me. I knew there was absolutely no way I could take it in now. "Another failure in the book." I said to myself softly, voice trembling. 

  I had let my emotions get the best of me and had lost the control I went in there with. Knowing I was no closer to having any information, than I was before, all of the stress came crashing back down. Unable to stop it the flood of tears broke through and I sobbed, hunched over the steering wheel, all of the emotions I had kept at bay rearing their ugly heads.

  Once all of my tears had fled I noticed how badly my head hurt. I wanted nothing more than to be at home, curled up under my blanket, in a room as dark as my mood. I could almost hear my bed calling to me. Feeling so defeated, absolutely exhausted, I pulled out of my parking spot and started to drive home.

  As I pulled into the driveway I realized that I didn't remember driving home. This day had really taken its toll. I looked into the lighted visor mirror assessing myself, almost expecting to see the word Failure scrawled across it. I looked awful, even without the writing, and a nap sounded like the perfect solution. 

  I had just drifted into a troubled sleep when I was woken up by the sound of someone pounding on the front door. Each knock a stab to what was now a full blown migraine. I buried my head under the pillows, trying to will whomever it was away. I was not in the mood to deal with anyone. They would just have to come back...preferably ten years from now. 

  I groaned as it became clear they weren't able to take a hint. Frustration building, with each interruption of the silence I craved, I snatched my robe off the foot of the bed. Wrapping it around myself I trodded to the door. "I'm coming!" I yelled so they would finally stop that infernal banging. "Geez this better be important." I muttered to myself quietly. 

  I flung open the door, only to be met with a disapproving stare. Martha. I silently called upon every ounce of strength I had left in my body. "Yes martha? How can I help you?" Oops...what was meant to sound nice dripped with clear distaste. 

  "I'm so sorry dear, I didn't realize you'd be...sleeping at this time of day." The disdain matching mine, it was painfully obvious that she didn't approve. "I was just coming by to see how you were doing. I realized I hadn't done so yet." She said, feigning innocence as she looked me up and down. I knew that she was here to use whatever I said to report back to her bingo buddies. 

  "Honestly? It's been hell this past month, as I'm sure you can imagine. Today wasn't much better and I have a migraine...which is why I was sleeping at this time of day." I struggled to keep my tone even, calm.