Senseless

Chapter One

  I winced as I heard the knock on the door. I've never felt more conflicted in my life, open it or hide from sight and act like I'm not home? You see, I've waited three agonizing weeks for this exact moment.   Now that it was here, however, I realized just how unprepared I truly was. I peeked through the blinds to confirm my suspicions...yep, I was correct. 

  The sight of the police car out front nearly dropped me to my knees. The rotating lights almost hypnotic, matching the deafening beating of my heart. As I stared I realized just how much my life had changed. Living in a constant state of fear, feeling my heart both in my throat and that sickening, empty, pit in my stomach. 

  The heavy knock came again, breaking my intense concentration, causing me to gasp audibly. I quickly stepped back from my post, wondering if I had been spotted. The sense of dread growing as I made my way to the door. Was it possible that this was all a bad dream? Could my legs, which felt like they were made of lead, move any slower? I took a large breath as I put my hand on the doorknob, shutting my eyes, willing myself to just wake up. 

  I opened the door to reveal the young policeman standing on my porch. I'd watched enough TV to know this wasn't good. His body language said it all, from how he held his hat in his hands, to the look in his eyes...he had drawn the short straw. Time seemed to stand still and I knew that things were never going to be the same. Whatever he was going to say was going to alter life as I knew it. Judging by his inability to make eye contact I knew whatever he knew affected him as well. I wished I could just close the door, never revealing the words he came to speak.

  I glanced past him and saw Martha standing on her porch across the street, hand at her mouth, gripping the phone in her other hand, clutched tightly to her chest. How could the nosiest woman in town possibly live across the street from me? She saw everything, knew everything, and had the mouth to match. I knew it was only minutes before she was on the phone calling everyone she knew to speculate what was going on here. It was times like these that small town living felt claustrophobic. 

  "Come in." I muttered, stepping back from the door. I barely recognized my own voice, small and pitiful. As he walked in my home I stole one more look at Martha's house, sure enough, she was already on the phone. More than happy to shut the door, I made sure that I didn't slam it. 

  I motioned for him to follow me into the kitchen. What was the protocol? Was I supposed to offer him a drink? Was I supposed to have fresh baked cookies out? I wracked my memory, trying to picture how these things played out in the shows. As I looked through my fridge I realized how bare it was. How long had it been since I had been grocery shopping? 

  "Would you like some water?" I managed, turning to face him, "It seems like that's all I really have to offer you. From the tap." He was looking at a picture hanging on the wall, a picture from a lifetime ago. 

  "No thank you ma'am." He looked back at me and readied himself. He was so young, twenty-one at most, so much life ahead of him. The depressing thoughts of what would never be, could never be, came creeping in. I willed him to never utter the words he was there to speak. Tears filled my eyes as I sat down, knowing that if I stood any longer I'd surely fall.

  "Ma'am?" His voice trembled, giving away that this was his first time doing this, "We found your daughter." 

  Tears began to fall as I thought of my sweet daughter. I waited three weeks, hoping in  vain that the outcome would be different.    "Where? Where was she?" I choked out. I had been promised that the search was extensive. Why had it taken so long to find her? 

  The young officer looked like he was about to cry himself. "Ma'am...it may be better if you don't ask." 

  Summoning every ounce of strength I had I heard myself pleading again, "Where? I need to know where she was found. Please!"

  "The Chief said you'd want to know," he stammered, "do you have a map?" 

  I knew that I did, a map in a digital age, rare. My daughter had laughed at me when I purchased it from the market in town four years earlier. We used it often, however, making plans on where we wanted hike or ride our horses. I steadied myself and opened the drawer it was in, sifting through the junk until I saw its ragged edges. 

  I saw him tremble as I handed it to him. I knew he had hoped that I wouldn't have one. After all, in a world of GPS who needed a paper map? Especially one of their own small, sleepy, town.
  "Please," I pleaded with him, "please mark where she was."

  Red marker in hand he made a small X on the map... then he drew another, and another, and another, and another.