tainted transparency || a harry potter story

Chapter Twenty-One: Towers

tw: attempted suicide and brief mention of self harm. nothing graphic.

Draco and I entered the castle a lot more confidently than the first time. Well, for me at least. Draco's always had a confident walk. Anyway, I'm entering the Gryffindor common room and the first thing I'm treated with is the trio all huddled together on the floor in front of the fireplace.

Hermione's giving me a look that I can't read. Is she... smirking? I'm suddenly feeling uneasy. Hermione Granger has that same mischievous grin on her face that the twins always dawned while they were planning a prank.

Oh god... the twins.

I remember now what Ron said about Fred. About how he's ditched work and isn't taking care of himself. It's no doubt now that Ron or Harry's written to them by now. I suddenly felt a little suspicious.

Knowing those two- they could show up at the school any second to deal with me and my issues. They're my soft spot. My weakness. And absolutely everyone in this school knows it. I then made the heartbreaking decision to not let myself be around them. Not until Draco and I's plan has been mostly successful.

I don't want to break and blow my cover. It would throw off the entire plan not to mention get them killed. It's for their own safety that I distance myself. And it's the same with everyone I'm friends with. And those that I love.

I'm doing this for them. No matter how much it hurts me.

I stepped up to the dormitory that Hermione, Ginny, and I all share. Remaining lowkey without blowing my cover in this room with them is going to be literally impossible. I have to make sure I sleep in long sleeves at least. I can't have them seeing this godforsaken mark on my arm.

So, I dug through my wardrobe and found something that I seem to keep forgetting about.

A black and yellow hoodie. With Hufflepuff's crest on it.

I pulled it on after I shrugged the mandatory Gryffindor robes off. And a pair of black leggings. My hand reached for my notebook and pen in my bag, and I soon found myself crying over a rough drawing I drew of Cedric that looked way too realistic for my heart to process.

He'd be so upset with me. With what I've become. Just like the rest of them. I've let everyone down. I've let him down just like the rest of them. I don't deserve them. I don't deserve any of them.

I got up and yanked my hoodie off, replaced it with a black jacket, and left the common room. Cedric's hoodie in my hands and a plan in my head. It's too late for me to have been followed. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched. Even as I left the common room.

I ran up the stairs to the astronomy tower and threw the hoodie at the floor. And pointed my wand down at it. My eyes filled with tears and I wiped them away so my vision wasn't blurry.

God forbid I miss and this curse bounces off something and shoots back to hit me. Though at least my suffering would be over. And I'd be back with Cedric. And my parents.

Suddenly that didn't sound like such a bad idea. I pocketed my wand and walked to the railing just over the balcony of the tower. My hands gripped the black metal tightly in my hands as I gulped. Pondering the dark, death drenched thoughts in my head.

I climbed up onto the railing and sat on the edge of it. I swayed gently, trying to convince myself.

To fall.

"Don't you even think about it."

Oh bloody hell. It's Ron.

"Go away, Weasley. This has nothing to do with you."