TW: talked eating disorders (starving/purging)
HWANG HYUNJIN often got mad- he got so mad that he swung his fists before he could realise it and spilled his words through screams and growls. but, nothing of the times- nothing of his rage had ever settled for the wrath he faced chan with at the adoption of the new information.
"fuck off, hyung. I told you, I'm fine!"
he remembered how clouded his mind had became; how the noise seemed to be a distant hum that barely reached his ears as all he could feel was his heart drumming away rapidly and the rage spreading through him like a disease.
for once in his life, he was thankful to be alone. with the dorm empty, and only Chan here to confine with the boy, it meant he could shout to his own desire- let out as much wrath as possible, knowing it would never properly fade until the next day.
he had been in this situation before- chan trying to help, pleading with hyunjin to go somewhere, to do something to benefit his own health. but hyunjin would explode. he always would, and there was no way to stop it; dull the flame of anger to a spitting flicker. so chan stood. he stood and waited for hyunjin to finish his shouts. finish his screams. finish his string of wrath and utter repulsion. why? well it was the only thing he could do, because in a few hours hyunjin would be back to normal; silent and stowed away behind his room walls and repulsed by the mere thought of interaction.
but, what if he spoke? what if this time he stood firm- didn't let the younger get his way and skip the appointments set up. chan was tired of seeing it. seeing the shell of what was once his most cheerful member. watching the way he slowly decayed with every meal he skipped or binged. watching as he became less of who he once was and shifted to autopilot.
hyunjin was a great actor. he could put on an act, flash a smile, laugh brightly. but chan was his weakness- someone who could see through the ruthless and sharp facade.
so chan spoke. he poured his sadness, his love, his anger, his hurt, his empathy into the words. he fuelled it all with every emotion he could muster towards the younger.
"hyunjin, look we just want to help you-"
"well I didn't ask for help, did I!"
"no" chan gulped, the crushing feeling of tears wanting to fall weighing down on him, "no, you didn't" because hyunjin never asked for help..
hyunjin never asked for help. he took the stress and pain all by himself; took every responsibility upon his shoulders as if he were made of steel- made to carry the weight of the world with all its pain and glory perched upon his shoulders. admittedly, it was a flaw hyunjin despised. a flaw he hated to have. sometimes he would think, and sometimes he wondered what life would be like if he wasn't so closed up. what if he asked someone for help? but, then again, he wasn't sure if he wanted any.
"so i'm not going to the stupid doctors appointment, hyung" hyunjin spoke boldly, jutting his chin and crossing his arms to display his stubbornness, the seriousness of his actions. he wasn't going to go. no, not when he knew the outcome of it would be.
Hyunjin had been at this all time low when he was younger. blaming society's standards, whether he believed it or not, he had found himself fasting more then your average 10 year old would. There were lunch times where hyunjin would sit alone, reserved and lonely at a cool metal table as he sat and observed. the skinny people around him caused his gut to twist in desperation and nausea. he wanted that- to be like them. so thin and small that no one would spare a second glance to you when you walked in the room. no one would send a judgemental stare or snicker when he pulled off the schools oval with a heaving chest and screaming lungs. you'd be loved- so admired that it was hard to make enemies. and so what did he do? well, he starved. he threw away the food he had packed himself and kept his eyes low. if hyunjin didn't think of the food, he wouldn't be hungry. and maybe, just maybe, he'd forget such thing existed.
stupid little boy, he couldn't help but feel the overwhelming negative emotions cloud over him at the mere memory. oh, how he wished he was more sly- more careful. then maybe he wouldn't have spent three weeks impatient, unable to walk and not aloud to stand longer then 10 minutes.
chan told himself he wasn't supposed to notice it- the flash of fear that drew hyunjins shoulders tense and his eyes dull. he told himself it was something he should have brushed away. but he couldn't. not when there was a heavy ache in his chest. not when his lip twitched in anxiety, not when his brain buzzed with questions.
with a heavy heart, chan spoke, his words brushing the air so lightly he was unsure he was heard, "just please, think about it, jinnie" and he walked away. he walked away with the burden of guilt growing heavier and heavier with each step. he walked away with the tears drowning his eyes and the sobs clouding his lungs. hyunjin- his poor hyunjin..
