not edited or proof read
HYUNJIN hadn't mean to- he never did, but some how the boy managed to tumble over his feet after missing a beat. and it seemed to send him spiraling more mentally then physically.
at first all he could do was sit there- his ears ringing and his eyes dazed. he couldn't feel. he couldn't hear, or smell. everything just stopped. and in those moments he could recall the lack of thoughts, almost nothing swarming his head. but, then they came crashing seconds later.
you destroy everything
hyunjin ignored the crouching figures in front of him; the outstretched hands lingering before his eyes as the thumping of his heart and the raging thoughts was the only thing he could hear.
how useless can you be?
staring up at felix and minho, hyunjin wasn't sure what emotion he felt more- shame, or embarrassment. shame because he wasn't like them. he wasn't cool like them. all he had was a pretty face, while they had everything. they had talent, visuals, style, humor- and he felt the shame pressing against his chest as he compared himself to the two dancers.
and he felt embarrassment; the rush of blood creeping into the tips of his burning ears as all he could do was hope that his blonde hair fell over the sight and blocked his friends from seeing.
"hyunjin?" the voice was soft, a underlying sound of care seeping under the word as they stared down at him, "are you okay? did you hurt anything?"
felix.
it was felix.
felix, who was such a beautiful person- so kind and caring, so absolutely hilarious that it made his gorgeous face seem ten times more breathtaking. felix who always gave his best; showed his best despite being a torn down boy who was left swimming in depression. hyunjin admired him. he found him brave- and if possible, even more gorgeous.
"no," hyunjin replied after a moments pause, his voice low and his eyes casted down, "no, I'm fine" he gave the boy a tight lipped smile as he denied the hands held out to him as he pushed himself to his feet.
fine. he was always fine, wasn't he?
"are you sure, hyun?" minho studied the younger dancer in the mirror, studying the uneven rise and fall of hyunjins chest, how his teeth gwaned at his raw bottom lip, how his hands shook as he dusted himself off. and he doubted that felix missed it either.
he felt helpless. minho felt utterly helpless watching his best friend wither away before him. and he could do nothing. he tried. he tried to reach out to hyunjin, pull him into a warm hug and tell him he was going to be okay, but he had only recieved a flinch and a small "I'm okay" from him. and it hurt him. more then it should.
"how about we go grab something to eat? take a break?" felix suggested to break the small silence that flooded over the practice room despite the booming music in the background.
"you two can go," hyunjin denied softly, "I'm not hungry" he was. hyunjin was so hungry he felt like he was being pricked with a sedative every time he moved. but he couldn't eat. not in front of them. not when he'd have the staring, judgmental eyes watching him as he piled the calories on his plate and put them on his tounge. not when the food would inch up his throat the moment he swallowed it down. not when he'd feel the burning shame the moment he'd return from the bathroom, feeling like they could see right through him. he couldn't even imagine how disgusted they'd be by him, how they'd recoil at the fact that he was wasting what other people couldn't even afford. he'd feel the crushing guilt that would drive him to pick up the sharp object that had left petty scars scattered over his body.
"are you sure?" minho asked the question for the second time that day, and hyunjin felt his heart leap at the concern laced in his voice. but it wasn't concern, right? it had to be anger because why would they care for him? why would they care for someone as icky and terrible as hyunjin?
"yeah, I need to work on some moves"
part of hyunjin hoped he fell again. but, this time, he hoped it bring him to internally bleed to the point of death.
he could only hope.
