tw // homophobia, weightloss/disordered thoughts
when hyunjin awoke, he woke to the rough shakes from jisung, who held an annoyingly adorable smile spread upon his face.
"you gotta wake up"
ignoring the boys words, hyunjin pouted, bundling himself within the warmth of his blanket and rolling to face his wall. his wall was boring, a plain blue with splatters of white where the paint was chipping away. admittedly, hyunjin had caused some damage to the wall himself, finding a soothing pleasure in pulling the crumbling paint off and flicking it into the gap between the wall and his bed.
"hyunjin, we have to practice! you don't want to let stay down, do you?"
he knew the younger had good intentions- he just wanted to get the guy out of bed, but he still couldn't help but feel the crushing guilt pushing down on his chest. stay meant the world to him- coming right under stray kids themselves, and even the thought of letting them down, not meeting their expectations ashamed him. they had given him so much and the fact that he couldn't even pull himself from bed made himself feel repulsed.
a failure
mentally sighing, he rolled over to face jisung. jisung was so talented. the boy had started at the bare point of youth. he worked through the thick and the thin, giving all his efforts and devoting it to what he loved. on top of that, he was so smart. he was funny, kind, and all hyunjin wished for was to be him. to be in his thin, skinny, body that was to die for. literally.
"how long?"
hyunjin cringed at his own voice, the broken crackle that forced him to clear his throat as he rubbed at his tired eyes.
how disgusting
"about fifteen minutes. if you're quick enough, you can get breakfast"
breakfast. even the word made him sick. the idea of putting a drop of food in his mouth made him want to cry. he just knew that as soon as whatever savoury thing he were to put in his mouth would immediately fall to his stomach. he would feel it too. he would feel the first few crumbs fall to his thighs, making him itch with the wavering feeling of being uncomfortable. then he'd feel it in his stomach, the overwhelming feeling of shame and slight nausea would engulf him in a instant.
hyunjin sat up, his hand meeting his forehead while he muttered a small okay. the shorter boy smiled softly moving away from him, sparing a small glance at the elder to make sure he was properly up before leaving the room. knowing hyunjin, he would lie down again and drift back to sleep, which was slightly irritating, but it was life.
despite everything in his mind and body screeching at him to stay in bed- to pull a high school sickie and sleep all day, hyunjin got up leaving the warmth and security that his bed provided. and he had a shower, despite the fact that he'd most likely spend the day with danceracha- with minho- fixing up the choreography and sweating his ass to hell.
hyunjin wasn't sure when, but at some point, he had fallen for the second eldest. in all honesty, hyunjin thinks he's always had some sort of attraction for the latter, but never been able to admit it. because, when he was young, his father always told him the same thing over and over again. liking a boy was bad. it made him disgusting- foul, and no one would ever want to be his friend, let alone his partner.
and it made him sad- his mother wasn't the best; always moving hyunjin into the background, medically neglecting him in times where he needed it the most, ignoring his existence. and, his father and stepmother were uncomfortable with his existence- and found him disgusting. and not only that, they feteshised his sexuality- the idea of two men having sex. gosh, he hated the world.
picking a pair of sweatpants and a jumper, hyunjin moved towards the bathroom, dragging his felt with his head hanging low.
his shower was cold. mainly due to the fact that he had read somewhere that 20 minute long showers could help someone lose weight. but, it was also because it helped him feel something- take his mind off the constant, drumming voice beating him down in his mind. the cold water leaving him shaking was enough to blank his mind and focus himself on not turning on the hot water.
his shower ended too quickly, because before hyunjin knew it, he was in the van, accompanied by felix, chan and jisung who all made convosation with eachother.
tsch, what a loner
hyunjin flinched at the thought, but couldn't help but agree. he couldn't pinpoint when exactly, but his members had stopped trying to reach out to him when he first spiraled. and he wasn't sure if it hurt that they had stopped trying or that he was okay with it.
he was so happy. the first years felt like euphoria to him, a constant high as he laughed his way through life- where he was sure that everything was good. but of course, nothing really ever lasted.
where did it go wrong?
"hyunjin," felix looked back at the elder while in the middle of moving out the van door. "we're here bud"
and with a heavy sigh and a small nod, hyunjin started the day.
