[tw for weight, body image, and suicidal thoughts ?? ]
the dressing room was clammy, one too many people in one small room, pushing around the eight idols in a rush to find their clothes or make up. hyunjin loved his job, but at times like these, he despised it with his whole heart.
"here" a black muscle tshirt accompanied by black jeans, a belt, and multiple harmnesses were shoved into his hands, and all hyunjin could do was huff, making his way towards the small room designed for the members to change out of sight of staff. he hated this concept and he didn't understand why. it was just for an video opening so why was he so mad about it?
locking the door behind him, hyunjin pulled off his jumper and pants, quickly swapping them for what he was given. and he couldn't help but feel revolted by his body. the more he looked, the more he saw. he noticed the way his stomach pushed out against the muscle shirt, and he felt how his thighs clashed together. and in that moment of self criticism he saw the simplest details- like how his rings were strained against the fat on his fingers, or the way his bracelets struggling to stay on his wrists and not on the ground, broken into little pieces.
lose some weight, you dumb pig
he shuddered, but didn't mind the idea. perfection was something he's always reached for, so what's the harm in reaching the ultimate perfection? but, he didn't want to be under chan's watchful eye once again. his eating was already a concern to the leader, having been told that his proportions were too small and that only eating dinner wasn't healthy. he just didn't know that hyunjin binged.
when they all weren't watching, hyunjin stuffed every sweet his eyes had found into his mouth without hesitation, every bit of self control he had slipping away in the process. and the more he tried to stop, the more he found himself eating.
and he just couldn't stop.
it was like his hands had a mind of their own, controlling themselves. and after binging, hyunjin often found himself curled away under the sheets of his bed, crying as he told himself, 'I'll just start tomorrow'. but tomorrow never came.
picking up his belongings and unlocking the door, hyunjin came to a holting stop, almost running into jisung and minho who scanned him up and down with a smile.
"you look amazing, hyunjin" jisung complimented, moving to make room for hyunjin to step through and out into the room filled with people, before making his own way into the dressing room.
"yeah, you look beautiful" maybe it was minho's smile, or the way his eyes sparkled when he spoke with his melodic voice, but hyunjins heart skipped a beat, and his breath got caught in his throat.
"thank you, hyung" he smiled, watching as the latter returned the guesture, turning moments later and entering the changing room- the room jisung was in. and he couldn't help but feel the jealousy pool in his stomach. because it was always jisung.
it was jisung who was minho's favourite, it was jisung who he openly accepted skinship from, it was always jisung who he complimented, it was always jisung who got the lowest weight during weigh-ins, it was always jisung who got more lines, it was jisung who always danced amazingly, who had a voice of honey. it was just jisung. the amazing, hardworking, kind, thoughtful, and beautiful jisung.
from behind him, his name was called, a stylist jerking her head towards his seat as he looked at her. hell, he hated full places. he was ready to go to bed once again, close his eyes and sleep peacefully for once.
a small part of him just hoped he wouldn't wake up when that time came.
