TW : sexual assault, attempted rape?
!! this is all fictional, hyunjins family is amazing and loves him dearly !!
note: this chapter is literally everywhere, so i'm very sorry if it doesn't make sense
ALSO HYUNJIN IN MIXTAPE OH HELANDKANDJSN
hyunjin thought- and he often thought a bit too much, especially under the blistering water of the shower, where often reviewed his childhood and recalled on memories. some memories were okay, sweet and melodic that brought his lips to pull softly upwards in a gracious, and beautiful smile that would turn his eyes into crescents.
other memories- memories that occurred more often then not, were ones that made him feel dirty, nasty in every sense that he wanted to scorch his skin under the hot water of the shower to remove their touches, their looks.
he remembers it, sometimes not all too clearly, but he still remembers it.
the first time wasn't his relatives, but close family friends. their five sons had stayed the night whilst his mother flaunted her duvets and decorations, trying to earn a sale. his dad, long gone, had his brother for the week, taking him to meet their new step mother, who he wouldn't meet till he was older. why? because he was the least favourite, of course. heavy hearted and unloved, hyunjin was sure he'd be alone again for the night, and he was thrilled when he found out he wasn't.
his mother's friends, had brought two of their five sons for the night, the other three left with their aunt and uncle. it was nothing big for hyunjin- he was young after all, rounding the ripe age of four or five. and he liked the two boys, despite the age gap between them. the eldest, 13 years old, was someone hyunjin got flustered by easily, as far as he could recall. he loved the elder, thinking of him as a older brother. the other son was ten, closer to hyunjins brother then him himself, but they were still considered close, linked closely by the remaining younger brothers.
the night started off harmless. the three went to hyunjins room, where his mother laid out three single mattresses for the three boys, acquainted with pillows and blankets. they played some games, one of them being truth or dare, despite how cliche it sounded. hyunjin could remember how the two older had to explain the rules, breaking it down slowly as hyunjin was young, and helplessly struggled to grasp the concept of designated rules.
harmless and innocent.
until something switched. the memory blocked, hyunjin only received fleeting moments of the next events. but he still felt it. he still felt the hands that pinned his wrist mercilessly above his head, the hands that slipped over his mouth in a breath stealing manner. he remember the slither of skin over his as the eldest one of the teens put his hands down the materials bounding to hyunjins hips and waist, exploring his way around the front and back of hyunjins private parts. blurred and stung, hyunjin could only manage to remember running out to his mother, tears of distress trailing their way down his cheek as he blabbed about the occurrings of what had happened. hyunjin could remember his mouth moving, but no sound seeping through.
hyunjins mother, confronted in front of her clients and friends, had shut hyunjin down, bidding him back to bed coldly after denying the events.
the next time it happened, hyunjin was nine, making his way across the school basketball court to make his way towards his year three classroom, eying the teacher wearily as he did so. he didn't mean to feel cautious, but the lingering words of a class mate crossed his mind, reminding him of the man who was the high school science teacher stating at his butt as he skipped his way across the court from the bus one very comparable morning.
it was that very day that there was a unusual lesson switch, his class ending up with the said teacher, immediately putting a unnoticeable frown to his lips.
if only he didn't need help in such time.
stuck at the back of the room, as usual, hyunjin found himself unable to continue on the designated work with his partner, ultimately leading to his hand being thrusted in his hands.
hyunjin could still feel the tumble of his stomach as the elder man neared, just as he could still feel the breath that tickled the back of his neck gently.
"do you need help?"
the man leant dangerously close to hyunjin, head may as well be deemed rested upon the boys shoulder. his rough fingers ghosted hyunjins spine, marking dangerously low as hyunjin felt the nausea climb higher within his throat.
hyunjin became jittery after that.
it wasn't like he meant to, but he couldn't help but want to feel clean, freshened and whole. that's where he turned to showers, bathing in the pure water as he drowned under the shower head.
but who was he to get lucky?
he caught him- he was warned. he was warned multiple times that his brother had something happening within his brain. that he had minor malicious intents. but hyunjin wouldn't believe it. he loved the boy too much. until he saw it first hand.
the younger boys head hovered in the window, large smile filling his lips as he watched hyunjin.
no wall, no curtain, no blinds. hyunjin was left defenceless, left to bore the uncomfortable feeling. feeling trapped. the feeling of disgust in his own skin.
his step father was next.
despite being someone who he didn't quiet get along with, was one of the last people hyunjin would have expected to touch him in such vile, cruel ways. but he did.
the first time the male did so was when hyunjin was thirteen, bending into the large canopy of his car to desperately reach for his suitcase slammed the furthest possible distance from his short arms. and in that vulnerable moment the man had taken upon himself to land his hand upon hyunjins ass, layering the limp as he squeezed thoroughly and brought tears to his eyes.
from then it became a causal act- something the older would turn to in any grasping moment.
hyunjin had crumbled then. he supposed the last straw was when his grandmother took her chance, groping his ass with a giggle and hands slipping down near his privates, bringing the vile burn of bile to etch into his throat and the decreasing hymn of feeling human being replaced with the feeling of being a toy, a pleasure act.
maybe hyunjin should have been surprised. maybe he should have been distressed. but, the moment the facts where spilt to him, the moment his stepmother sat down with his and revealed his stepbrothers doings, describing the moments she found the younger humping hyunjin while hyunjin was sleeping, hyunjin couldn't help but feel numb, bordering on empty.
so with his head delved under the scorching dorm shower water, hyunjin recalled. he recalled every touch, every stare, every word. he recalled it all and tried to wash it all away. he was aware of jeongin who he had left mere minutes ago standing in the living room. he was aware that it wasn't jeongins fault or intention to trigger such memories as he accidentally touched hyunjin incorrectly. he was aware.
but really, with the emptiness and nausea curling deep beneath his skin, he didn't care. not any more.
