Dusk & Dawn

22- unspoken thoughts

It was dangerous what I felt for Ezra.

My eyes gradually fluttered open and I tried to take in my surroundings, Ezra's face was turned to me while my back faced him. He looked the most comfortable when he slept. I sat my back on his headrest and stared at him. My heart felt the most at peace when I looked at him, I knew that. But I couldn't keep on doing that.

I hauled myself out of his bed, taking off my jacket which revealed a part of the portacath on my arm. I looked back to his little drowsy movement on the bed knowing, he already knew and saw the port and there was no point hiding it from him anymore. I switched off the alarm reminding me of my chemo session this evening and headed into the bathroom.

I cleaned my face in the bathroom and found that toothbrush he gave to me the other time and used it. I then headed out of the bathroom ready to go. I couldn't confront the truth and I was happy he wasn't awake for me to.

As soon as I opened the door to leave,

"You're leaving again?" his voice was grumpy as he spoke.

"What's there to wait for?" I asked him.

"Nothing I guess," he shook his head, getting off the bed. "I know that you're sick, Raine. And I just want to tell you that you don't have to face it alone."

He headed to his cupboard and brought out the small ornate box and placed it on the dresser so that I could see it. He looked at it for a moment and my brows arched at his actions. His gaze met mine, a depth of compassion in his eyes.

I was dumbfounded, out of words. The thoughts in my head morphed into a wrap that culminated as deep self pity for myself.

I looked at him again, his gaze still on me. I stared around and wondered if that was all there is to me anyways. If all that I was to Ezra was a charity case or better yet, less fortunate.

"And I figured you didn't want me to know and I wasn't trying to -"

"And you pitied me and befriended me?"

"No Raine, of course not." His brows furrowed, confused at my words.

"You think that I'm deserving of your pity and attention?" I continued to ramble on knowing that I was about to give up on another of my addiction which had become a coping mechanism.

"You're not listening to me Raine!" Ezra deadpanned approaching me in slow strides. Tears pricked my eyeballs, my knees aching from standing for so long.

"I do not talk to you because I pity you. Yeah, of course I am concerned about your well-being and that's alright because I care about you."

"Stop,"

"Raine, I talk to you because you understand me! I hang out with you because I love to have you around. Being sick doesn't change the fact that I care about you."

"Can you not see what is happening?"

"You can talk to me, I'll listen, I promise." He nodded his head continuously as he came to me, holding my hands and my gaze as well.

"If it hasn't occurred to you, Ezra. My hair is falling out, my bones ache massively and I'm not getting surgery. Can you not see? That whatever this is, it can't. It can't!"

"Raine..."

"Please take me back to my apartment. See? I can't even walk away when I want to. It feels like my knees will split into two any moment. I don't want that for you, Ezra."

He doesn't say anything else. When I took a glance at him, his eyeballs were glassy due to the tears accumulating in them. He came closer to me and only wrapped me in his embrace without saying anything. He planted a small kiss in my head, still without words. And then carried me, like a child, his muscles flexing as he took us out of his apartment and to his car in the driveway.

Soon, he parked in front of my apartment and got down from his side of the car. He walked over to mine and opened the door for me to step out. He held out his hands to help me out and while I took them, I refused to meet his gaze because I had tears pricking my eyeballs but I couldn't let him see me doing that.

"Raine.." he drawled, unsure of what to say. I shook my head and silently pleaded for him not to say anything.

"I am not going to leave you," he said to me as he faced me. "I won't."

And I sighed what a fool.

I don't say anything to his statement so I went into the house instead. I finally felt a bit at home where I could let out my tears. I stayed behind the door, leaning on it. If I decided to be selfish and open the door, I knew I'd find Ezra still in the car. But if I decided to walk away, I could save him the pain for good.

So I walked to the couch, Lane wagging his tail as he followed me. I sat on the couch and turned on the tv to stare blankly at whatever was playing while I held onto Lane like he was the only one I had enough strength to hold onto.

The door clicked open and I turned to find Harper strolling in. "I saw Ezra on the way, did he drop you?" She asked me as she walked into the kitchen to get some water. I cleaned off my tears and cleared my throat before she came back.

"Why? Did something happen?" She asked immediately as she walked up to where I was. I didn't say anything to her so she sat on the table to face me.

"Why? Did you break up with him?" She asked me again and my brows lined up to a frown at this question.

"So you did break up then." She nodded to herself.

"You do realize that I'm just friends with him right?" I asked, like I was trying to convince myself as to what I was to Ezra.

"Friends? That's a good joke right there." She laughed out on top of her voice before turning back to me. "Don't even get me started, Parker."

I picked up my phone and found my mom's message. I facepalmed in remembrance of what day it was.

"Shit, I've got chemo."

Nov 24th